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The Value of Consequences

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The Value of Consequences:

The Value of Consequences
“People don’t learn from their mistakes,
they learn from the consequences of their mistakes.
Remove the consequences and you will have robbed them
of a potentially valuable life lesson.”

– Chaplain Joe Herzanek, Why Don’t They Just Quit?

The Value of Consequences. It seems that out of our hundreds of blog posts, the most universal truths lie in those that speak about consequences—and the important role they play in every person’s life. These concepts apply to all, from toddlers and teens to the middle-aged and elderly.  We decided to gather some of our most popular segments and combine them into one post—to be read quickly, or if you have time, with links to more info/the expanded text. We hope this will be helpful to you and/or to share with a friend.

Raising The Bottom

Help an Addict by “Raising The Bottom”

Raising the Bottom:
Addicts like me, and potentially my son, often need to learn things the hard way. Judy vividly recalls a time when Jake was about three years old. She was ironing and told him not to touch the iron—that it was hot. He looked directly into her eyes, stuck out his finger and touched it. At that moment she knew this was not going to be an easy road. Jake was going to have to learn things the hard way.

“We cannot learn without pain.”
~Aristotle

The Value of Pain
Pain can be a wonderful teacher. Pain usually means that something is wrong or perhaps broken. Without pain, most people would have even larger problems. Pain is a signal that we need to do something different if we want it to stop.

We decided to not rob Jake of these pivotal learning opportunities. We weren’t going to lie for him, put up his bail, or pay for lawyers. In one of the seminars we attended, we were advised not to argue with our son; just let the consequences be the “bad guy.”

“Don’t rob your friend or loved one of the wonderful
learning experience they are about to have.”
~Joe Herzanek

So does everyone have to hit rock bottom? I would say no. Tough love can prevent a substance abuser from prolonging their usage. There are loving ways to refuse to rescue someone who in the long run will help him or her to choose recovery. Loving means doing the right thing to help. This can take all of our strength and energy at times. “We all hate to see someone suffer even when the suffering is a consequence of their bad choices.

This approach, or some form of it, is something you might consider: Raise the bottom. Whether it is a teenage son or daughter, a spouse, boyfriend, aunt or uncle, the same principles can apply. A few nights in jail could be the best thing that ever happens to them. The next time this person you care about appeals to you to get them out of a bind (loan them money, pay their electric bill, buy them gas, pay for a lawyer), think twice. You just might be prolonging their disease and robbing them of the natural consequences they need to experience in order to seek help and begin to connect the dots.

Don’t bail them out. A few nights in jail
could be the best thing that ever happens to them.
~Chaplain Joe Herzanek

“Raising The Bottom” is excerpted from Chapter 23 (Pivotal Teaching Moments: The “rock bottom” myth) of the 2016 updated edition of Why Don’t They JUST QUIT? Hope for families struggling with addiction.




Addiction A Family DiseaseA Family Disease:
“Once we recognize our futile attempts to stop a disease for which there has yet to be found a cure, we can begin to utilize different strategies in dealing with our addicted children.

We can allow our children to feel the consequences and results of their behavior. In essence, we can “raise their bottom.” We can begin to take care of ourselves by reaching out to mothers who have had similar experiences. As we build friendships and feel supported and loved, it becomes easier to make difficult decisions and we learn new ways to cope with the reality of addiction.“

The above is excerpted from: Why is Addiction Called “A Family Disease?”
~By Kathy Brock Frasier, Regional Director, The Addict’s Mom

 

Detachment-How-Can-IDetachment. How Can I?:

When life becomes one crisis after another, when emotional pain and endless drama become “the norm” what am I supposed to do? Over the past few decades I’ve received this question a lot. Recently it has become the #1 question. Why is that? What do I suggest to families who have arrived at this place? How about this: My suggestion is to do NOTHING! Stop “doing.” Quit “doing.” No longer “DO” anything.

Let’s talk about letting go and what that looks like (sometimes referred to as “detachment”). So there—I’ve said it; The “D” word, The Ultimatum, The Nuclear Option.
READ THE ENTIRE ARTICLE

Detachment. How Can I?” is excerpted from the 2016 updated edition of Why Don’t They JUST QUIT? Hope for families struggling with addiction.

 

Parenting Warnings and ThreatsWarnings and Threats:

Although this story centers around a mother and her young child, we find that most of the “Love and Logic” principles apply to ANY age group (children, teens and adults). 

Parenting: Warnings and Threats

Little Cleo looked out of the corner of her eye at her Mom with one of those testing looks, then pushed her child sized grocery cart into the legs of her sister.

“Quit that,” warned Mom. “I’ve warned you about that three times already. If you do it again I’m going to take it away!”

Three minutes later Cleo was doing it again.

“Cleo, I said no,” yelled Mom. “Now you stop it! You’re going to be in big trouble! How many times do I have to tell you?”

Ten minutes later, I saw Mom still making threats. I’m not sure she was aware of Cleo’s sly little grin.



During the same trip, I watched another Mom dealing with the same problem. There were no threats.

“Willie, you know better than that. Follow me.” She calmly walked to the front of the store with her son trailing behind.

“Leave your cart with the others here. You can try it again next time we’re in the store.”

“But, Mom. I’ll be good. I promise.”

“I’m sure you will next time we shop.”

A sobbing little Willie followed his mom through the store.

Let’s all give Willie’s mother a big hand. And let’s give Cleo’s mom a moment of silence. The threats and warnings may still be going on while we read this.

Thanks for reading,
– Jim Fay

Jim Fay
As one of our favorite authors, we highly recommend Jim Fay and Foster Cline’s  book  Parenting Teens With Love And Logic

Originally published 1/06/2010 by the Love and Logic® Institute, Inc.©2010 Jim Fay, Charles Fay, PhD & Love and Logic® Institute, Inc. www.loveandlogic.com

 

Judy Herzanek TelluridePosted by:
Judy Herzanek is the Director of Creative Development and Marketing for Changing Lives Foundation. She graduated from Columbus College of Art & Design in 1976 and worked as Graphic Designer and Art Director for Hallmark Cards, Kansas City, MO (12 years), Celestial Seasonings, Boulder, CO (16 years) and owned and managed her own design business.

Joe and Judy Herzanek

Joe and Judy Herzanek

Chaplain Joe Herzanek and Judy met in 1984 at an AA meeting in Kansas City and have been married and in long-term recovery for over 30 years. She loves working from her home office in Berthoud, Colorado and the opportunity to combine her design, marketing and online skills with her 30+ years of sobriety to bring the message of hope to families struggling with addiction.
Please visit Changing Lives Foundation website


RESOURCES:
> Recommended Books and DVDs for families of substance abusers and addicts.

> Addiction Recovery Resources for Families of Substance Abusers, Addicts and Alcoholics

Why Don't They Just Quit? Hope for families struggling with addiction.



Why Don’t They Just Quit? Hope for families struggling with addiction.
~By Joe Herzanek

New! 2016 Multi-Award-Winning Updated Edition!
Contains 7 new chapters and info on: Heroin, Shame & Stigma, Harm Reduction, Marijuana, Synthetic Drugs, 12-Step Groups & The Church, and much more!

Amazon.com reviews:
As the mom of a child struggling with addiction,
and the author of ‘The Joey Song: A Mother’s Story of Her Son’s Addiction,’ my ‘go to’ book is still “Why Don’t They Just Quit? ~Sandy Swenson

Best book ever about addiction. Written by one whose done it and is recovering. Easy to read, not preachy, just honest. I recommend this book to anyone with an addict in their life! ~Lynda A

Got an addiction problem in your family? Read this book. Joe knows his stuff. This book helps you to better understand those who are dealing with friends and family that are addicted to drugs and alcohol. I have read several of these books but this one is the best. ~RJ

> Paperback
> Audio Book CD (Listen to the book)
> Kindle
> Audible Audio Download (LISTEN TO 4 MIN. SAMPLE NOW)

Chaplain Joe Herzanek, Author ASK JOE:
> If someone can stop using drugs or alcohol for weeks at a time, they “aren’t an addict—correct?

> Chronic Pain Management & Pain Pill Addiction: What to do?

>How can I know if my addicted friend or loved one is telling the truth?

>Should my husband “back off?”

>Gambling vs. Drug Addiction? What is your opinion?

>How can I tell if someone is an addict/alcoholic or just a heavy user?

>What is Methadone? What is Harm Reduction?

RETURN:
from “The Value of Consequences.” to Blog Home
_________________________________________________
Value of Consequences, Value of Consequences

 

 

 

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Our Addicted Child

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Our Addicted Child:
that feeling of powerlessness was horrible.

Our Addicted Child

 

~By Daniel Green (Recovering Addict)

Daniel Green interviews his parents on how they coped, living with an addicted child.

Daniel: So, first thing’s first, what was it like living with a child in active addiction?

Mom: It was horrible. Horrible beyond words. We never knew what to expect. I never knew what to expect and that’s true of the big stuff and the little stuff. When I say the big stuff, I mean thinking you were going to get arrested, overdose, or die. You know what’s so bleak about having a child who’s also an addict?

At the end of your addiction, I wanted you to get arrested. At least then I would know where you were and that you were alive. Having to seriously consider the fact that my child might die was also probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Imagine feeling all that and knowing there’s not much you can do to change it. Of course, I thought there was a lot I could do at the time.

“Coming to terms with my own, and your mother’s, powerlessness was very hard.” ~Daniel’s Dad

Dad: Yeah, your mother pretty much covered it. I’d just add that that feeling of powerlessness was horrible. I thought, man I even knew, there must be something I could do to help you. I tried everything. We paid for therapists, counselors, drug treatment, school, everything. None of it worked. Coming to terms with my own, and your mother’s, powerlessness was very hard.

Daniel: How did you cope?

Mom: I don’t know that we did cope. Well, I don’t know that I coped anyway. From the time you were about fourteen to nineteen, I was pretty much a mess. I lived in fear and anxiety. Once of the outpatient clinics you went to had a parents’ support group. I went there once a week and kept in contact with the other mothers. That was probably the most helpful action I took.

Dad: I’m with your mother on this one. I don’t think I coped too well, if at all. I tried going to the parents’ group, but I found it more depressing than helpful. We all sat around on these folding chairs. I don’t know. It just wasn’t for me. I threw myself that much harder into work [my dad is a doctor]. When I was at the hospital, I wasn’t thinking about you. Well, that’s not 100% true, but it offered me some relief.

Daniel: Where there other resources or techniques you used to deal with me basically being a living, breathing train wreck?

Dad: Well, I didn’t mention prayer. I prayed a lot. That helped, but again, it wasn’t a magical cure. It wasn’t a silver bullet. There probably wasn’t anything that was a silver bullet. I sought counseling from our Rabbi. That only went so far. I think part of having a child struggling with addiction is just gritting your teeth and hoping that things will get better.

“I never gave up hope. I don’t think a parent can.” ~Daniel’s Dad

Mom: The support group was really what helped me the most. Like your father, I did prayer and seek religious help and that was absolutely helpful. It only went so far though. Mainly it was talking with other parents who had been where we were and some whose kids had found recovery.

Daniel: Did you blame yourselves for my addiction?

Mom: I did for a long time. Certainly I did when you were using drugs. I questioned myself a lot. Things along the lines of “what if I had done this?” and “Why am I such a bad mother?” It was hard! I’ve come to learn that I’m not responsible for your addiction or your recovery. That was another big thing for me to learn. There’s not much I could do to make you stop using drugs. I thought doing this or that would work. Ultimately, it was up to you.

Dad: I did blame myself. I thought maybe I wasn’t a good enough father or role model for you. I thought there were things I could have done differently when you were a child. I even blamed my genes. Addiction runs in our family, you know. I never had a problem, but others did. I used to wish I had different genes. That our whole family did. After doing a family workshop at the first residential rehab you went to, I learned I wasn’t to blame. I guess I knew that all along, but it’s one thing to know it and it’s another to feel it.

Daniel: Is there anything you’d like to say to parents struggling with a child in active addiction or alcoholism?

Dad: Don’t give up hope! You went to seven outpatient rehabs, two inpatient ones, and more private therapists than I can count. You seemed hopeless. That’s it. I never gave up hope though. I don’t think a parent can. I think it’s hardwired into us to never give up on our children. Anyway, I kept hoping you’d get it one day. That it [being sober] would click. And it did.

Mom: Yes, don’t give up hope and seek help for yourself. It was so important for me to have support during your addiction. Your father was amazing, but I needed more. He was just as clueless as I was. I needed parents who had been there before, who had come out and were able to smile again.

BIO:
Daniel Green
is a writer and media specialist at Lighthouse Recovery Institute  He’s been sober since 2008 and loves being able to give back to the still struggling addict or alcoholic.

FAMILY PHONE COUNSELING:
> Phone Counseling for Family Members

Gain peace of mind, knowing that you are taking the steps necessary to begin healing and recovery—for your loved-one and your family.

MORE Al-ANON-RELATED ARTICLES:
> Why is Addiction Called A Family Disease?
> Twelve Signs of A Spiritual Awakening in Al-Anon
> The Critical Role of Al-Anon in Family Addiction Recovery
> Are AA, Nar-Anon or Al-Anon twelve-step meetings really important?

RESOURCES:
> Books and DVDs for families of substance abusers and addicts
>
Recommended Books and DVDs for families of substance abusers and addicts
> Low cost, No cost Alcohol and Drug Treatment Directory
> Drug Addiction and Alcoholism Recovery Resources for Friends, Families and Employers

Why Don't They Just Quit? What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery.
Get the help you need today.
Why Don’t They Just Quit?
What families and friends need to know
about addiction and recovery
~by Joe Herzanek

Author/Chaplain Joe HerzanekTo arrange a workshop or presentation at your organization with Author/Speaker Joe Herzanek
call: 303.775.6493 or email: Jherzanek@gmail.com

More info about Speaking Engagements with Author/Chaplain Joe Herzanek

RETURN:
From
“Our Addicted Child” to Changing Lives Foundation Blog Home

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How Alcoholism Affects the Entire Family

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How Alcoholism Affects the Entire Family

Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism 2015

~By Jail Chaplain Joe Herzanek, Family Addiction Counselor and Author of Why Don’t They Just Quit? What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery.”

This article is included in the current FREE magazine download:  Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism 2015  (Page 21).

Alcoholism is devastating to all members of the family. Family members may have watched someone they love turn into a stranger. They ask, “How did this happen? Why didn’t we see it sooner? Are we somehow to blame? How do we make it stop? What if we can’t make it stop? Why won’t this person listen to us? Can’t they see what’s happening to them?” The list is long.

From the shared experiences of Al-Anon members at meetings and in Al-Anon literature, the family learns that alcoholism is not their fault. With that understanding, some of the pressure is lifted. By attending Al-Anon meetings, my clients gain clarity and peace of mind, so that they can take positive action.

“My family phone counseling clients who attend Al-Anon meetings come to understand that they can have peace, regardless of their loved one’s poor choices.”

Al-Anon supplements and reinforces the information I give my clients about alcoholism as a disease. My clients gain encouragement from attending Al-Anon meetings. The importance of this cannot be overstated.

Doing what’s best (which sometimes means doing nothing—but allowing consequences to happen) is often extremely challenging. Al-Anon members help and play a special role because they are like-minded and share common experiences as a result of living with an alcoholic.

My phone counseling clients who attend Al-Anon meetings come to understand that they can have peace, regardless of their loved one’s poor choices. Family members learn that recovery is a process that takes time. But they learn that they are not alone, and that help is available from the Al-Anon program.

FAMILY PHONE COUNSELING:
> Phone Counseling for Family Members

Gain peace of mind, knowing that you are taking the steps necessary to begin healing and recovery—for your loved-one and your family.

MORE Al-ANON-RELATED ARTICLES:
> Why is Addiction Called A Family Disease?
> Twelve Signs of A Spiritual Awakening in Al-Anon
> The Critical Role of Al-Anon in Family Addiction Recovery
> Are AA, Nar-Anon or Al-Anon twelve-step meetings really important?

RESOURCES:
> Books and DVDs for families of substance abusers and addicts
> Phone Counseling for Family Members
>
Recommended Books and DVDs for families of substance abusers and addicts
> Low cost, No cost Alcohol and Drug Treatment Directory
> Drug Addiction and Alcoholism Recovery Resources for Friends, Families and Employers

Why Don't They Just Quit? What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery.
Get the help you need today.
Why Don’t They Just Quit?
What families and friends need to know
about addiction and recovery

Author/Chaplain Joe HerzanekTo arrange a workshop or presentation at your organization
call: 303.775.6493 or email: Jherzanek@gmail.com

More info about Speaking Engagements with Author/Chaplain Joe Herzanek


RETURN:
From “How Alcoholism Affects the Entire Family
to Changing Lives Foundation Blog Home

______________________________________________________________________________________
Family Alcoholism, Al-Anon, Family Alcoholism, Al-Anon, Family Alcoholism, Al-Anon,

 

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When Your Child’s Addiction Becomes Your Own

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When Your Child’s Addiction Becomes Your Own

When Your Child’s Addiction Becomes Your Own

Many thanks to our guest blog author
—who wishes to remain anonymous.

From the moment you give birth, an innate force within secures a powerful and concentrated intent at the deepest level to protect your precious child, protect them from harm. As a parent, you accept this role with reverence as it carries the highest priority.

Holding your child carefully, keeping them warm, nourished and safe, you show them the immeasurable importance of their place on earth. They feel loved and of great value, knowing that you care about their happiness, comfort and fulfillment. You are their greatest fan and root them on as they step into the world, deciding for themselves how they wish to engage in the life experience. Seeing them off, deep steadfast desires to protect surge through you still. As their caretaker for many years, this powerful urge does not ever truly end. You simply let go, hoping the years of love, guidance and care remain as the foundation for their own ability to keep themselves safe from harm.



What happens when your child is involved in one of the most harmful behaviors possible and they fall away from the safety you worked so hard to instill, strengthen and ensure? How do you handle watching them sink deeper into a world that seems to swallow them into darkness, an unreachable place where you feel powerless – the world of addiction?

Addiction is dangerous and destructive to everything you have committed to keep safe. How do you protect your child? Your natural instinct is to shield them from harm, however in your attempts to do this, the addiction begins to engulf your life as well. This is when your child’s addiction becomes your own.

Three major reasons for this are:

1) Believing you have the power to change or control the person/addiction.

Feeling powerless, you strive for ways to gain a sense of control – life centers around fixing the problem and dealing with the addiction’s consequences.

Attempts to gain control are:

• Becoming a “perfect” parent, supporter, nurturer
• Being careful about everything you say and do
• Peacekeeping
• Taking care of the child’s needs over your own

2) Treating addiction as a moral, behavioral issue rather than an illness.

Expecting rational thinking from an irrational, altered state of perception – addictions cease to be rational by their very nature. Usual support and guidance are ineffective. When tried, there is a great sense of failure, frustration and hopelessness for all involved.

3) Believing the addiction means something about you.

Self-blaming causes guilt, anger, regret, and a sense of inadequacy as a parent. Identifying with your child’s addiction – either feeling responsible for fixing it or unable to face it. The key is not gaining control or changing the addiction. It is understanding you have no control over the addiction. You do, however, have power; the power to let go.

Letting go is:

• Supporting, not fixing
• Permitting another to face reality
• Allowing consequences
• Not taking responsibility for them
• Admitting the outcome is not in your hands
• Acceptance

In letting go, you truly embrace your parental power, by being the example of that which you wish them to do. The addict will be most positively affected by a healthy parent who takes care of themselves, has good boundaries, follows through, respects themselves and honors their life. You don’t need to control or change the addict’s actions, but you can learn to change your responses.



You best help your addicted child by:

• Reaching out for support of others who have been through it
• Expressing your feelings
• Letting your child solve the problems their addiction creates
• Focusing on one day at a time
• Not determining your choices by theirs
• Not doing for them what they can do for themselves

Remember, your child doesn’t need you to take them away from their journey toward discovering their light, they simply need to see your light shining as a reminder along the way.

RESOURCES:
Addiction Recovery Resources for Families of Substance Abusers, Addicts and Alcoholics

Why Don't They Just Quit? Hope for families struggling with addiction.

2016 Updated and Revised


Why Don’t They Just Quit? What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery.

> Paperback (Amazon.com)

> Audio Book CD (Listen in your car)

> Kindle

> Audible Audio Download  (LISTEN TO 4 MIN. SAMPLE)

RETURN:
FROM : “When Your Child’s Addiction Becomes Your Own”
TO CHANGING LIVES FOUNDATION BLOG HOME

__________________________________________________________
child’s addiction addicted child addict’s mom help addicted child

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Free Event: Joe Herzanek at Boulder Bookstore!

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Free Event: Author Joe Herzanek at Boulder Bookstore!

Author and Boulder County Jail Chaplain Joe Herzanek with Lewis and Clark

Author and Boulder County Jail Chaplain Joe Herzanek with Lewis and Clark

Boulder Bookstore Free Event: Author and Boulder County Jail Chaplain Joe Herzanek will speak about and sign his new, multiple award-winning 2016 edition of “Why Don’t They Just Quit? Hope for families struggling with addiction.”

When: Wednesday, October 5 at 7:30pm.
Where: Boulder Bookstore, Boulder, Colorado

No Tickets Required
More details coming soon!

Facebook Event Invite: https://www.facebook.com/events/1029427380486558/

We will be sending out “Save-the-date” postcards before this event to those interested. If you or your friends or family are interested in attending this free event in Boulder, CO, please send us the address via email at: jherzanek@gmail.com before August 25th. See you there!


“People don’t learn from their mistakes,
they learn from the consequences of their mistakes.
Remove the consequences and you will have robbed them
of a potentially valuable life lesson.”

– Chaplain Joe Herzanek, Why Don’t They Just Quit?

____________________

Judy Herzanek TelluridePosted by:
Judy Herzanek is the Director of Creative Development and Marketing for Changing Lives Foundation. She graduated from Columbus College of Art & Design in 1976 and worked as Graphic Designer and Art Director for Hallmark Cards, Kansas City, MO (12 years), Celestial Seasonings, Boulder, CO (16 years) and owned and managed her own design business.

Joe and Judy Herzanek

Joe and Judy Herzanek

Chaplain Joe Herzanek and Judy met in 1984 at an AA meeting in Kansas City and have been married and in long-term recovery for over 30 years. She loves working from her home office in Berthoud, Colorado and the opportunity to combine her design, marketing and online skills with her 30+ years of sobriety to bring the message of hope to families struggling with addiction.
Please visit Changing Lives Foundation website





RESOURCES:
> Recommended Books and DVDs for families of substance abusers and addicts.

> Addiction Recovery Resources for Families of Substance Abusers, Addicts and Alcoholics

Why Don't They Just Quit? Hope for families struggling with addiction.



Why Don’t They Just Quit? Hope for families struggling with addiction.
~By Joe Herzanek

New! 2016 Multi-Award-Winning Updated Edition!
Contains 7 new chapters and info on: Heroin, Shame & Stigma, Harm Reduction, Marijuana, Synthetic Drugs, 12-Step Groups & The Church, and much more!

Amazon.com reviews:
As the mom of a child struggling with addiction,
and the author of ‘The Joey Song: A Mother’s Story of Her Son’s Addiction,’ my ‘go to’ book is still “Why Don’t They Just Quit? ~Sandy Swenson

Best book ever about addiction. Written by one whose done it and is recovering. Easy to read, not preachy, just honest. I recommend this book to anyone with an addict in their life! ~Lynda A

Got an addiction problem in your family? Read this book. Joe knows his stuff. This book helps you to better understand those who are dealing with friends and family that are addicted to drugs and alcohol. I have read several of these books but this one is the best. ~RJ

> Paperback
> Audio Book CD (Listen to the book)
> Kindle
> Audible Audio Download (LISTEN TO 4 MIN. SAMPLE NOW)

Chaplain Joe Herzanek, Author ASK JOE:
> If someone can stop using drugs or alcohol for weeks at a time, they “aren’t an addict—correct?

> Chronic Pain Management & Pain Pill Addiction: What to do?

>How can I know if my addicted friend or loved one is telling the truth?

>Should my husband “back off?”

>Gambling vs. Drug Addiction? What is your opinion?

>How can I tell if someone is an addict/alcoholic or just a heavy user?

>What is Methadone? What is Harm Reduction?




RETURN:
from “Free Event: Joe Herzanek at Boulder Bookstore!.” to Blog Home
_________________________________________________
Free Event: Joe Herzanek at Boulder Bookstore!

 

 

 

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