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Wife of Alcoholic. An Amazing Story.

March 14, 2012 in Al-Anon Related. . ., Real People, Real Stories, Why Don't they Just Quit by jherzanek | 8 comments

This story below was sent to us at Changing Lives. We share this candid and powerful account of one woman’s struggle and ultimate healing (with the author’s permission) with hope that it will provide inspiration to others who may be experiencing some of the same struggles. You are not alone.

I Was the Wife of an Alcoholic.

There are so many books out there about alcohol recovery, the addict, what addiction means and what family members are supposed to do. We are led to believe we need to be the addict’s personal cheerleader. Support them thru all the chaos they create in the lives around them. Pick them up when they fall, as relapse is a part of addiction. They skirt around withdrawal. Maybe because the people writing these books were the ones going thru withdrawal and not seeing it from the perspective of the people actually witnessing the withdrawal.

My question was always “when does he start taking responsibility for his own actions? When does the disappointment stop?” This tells a real life story about what family members go through on a daily basis living with an addict. I am not skirting around the withdrawal. The havoc it causes in your life. This is the story of my life.

I was the wife of an alcoholic.

I have two amazing children. I feel I am a very straightforward person. I try not to pull any punches- this tends to get me in trouble, as I have been known to hurt people by what comes out of my mouth. I usually remain calm and composed during difficult situations.

My husband could not be depended upon to be there for us. My son once described to me our family- “there is me you and Sarah who live upstairs and there is Dad who chooses to live downstairs”. Profoundly true. We have a dysfunctional family “true by every meaning of dysfunctional.” I have tried my hardest to make things as normal as possible for my children. I feel I have been a good mother. I know things haven’t been smooth sailing with them, but I feel our past has made us stronger people and we will be better people because of it.

My parents are still married. They have been my lifeline. When things were really bad and I knew I needed to get out of my house with the children I went to my parents. I did not have the financial means to get my own place. Without hesitation my father came up with a plan. We will convert the finished downstairs into two bedrooms with a small sitting area. Sarah could have my old bedroom because she only had a year before moving away to college. Within days the renovations started. My parents are both strong, opinionated people. My dad is the “take control of the situation” type person. My mom thinks nothing of helping with whatever needs to be done.

Sarah is my eighteen-year-old daughter. She has been an adult since she was a child. She loves to have fun and when you hear her laugh it brings a smile to your face. She doesn’t show her emotions. She is straightforward. Sarah loves life-she loves to try new things, she loves to be original and is truly comfortable with her uniqueness.

I have a sixteen-year-old son Greg. He too is old beyond his years. Prior to all the chaos in our lives, Greg would smile and laugh all the time. He loved to be hugged and give hugs. That all changed-partly because of the family situation and partly because of his age. Looking at him, he has this tough exterior. He is quiet and usually only talks when he is being talked to or needs something. He is such an observant kid. He takes everything in. He too is straightforward and always feels the need to protect himself from being hurt.

And so it began–

I met my husband when we were freshman in high school. We became friends. I was a cheerleader, he was a football player. When we were juniors in high school we started dating. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was cheering at a basketball game. He came to the game. At half time we were walking down the hallway, he put his arm around my shoulder and asked me to go to the party after the game with him. I should have seen it. He was drunk but we were in high school and everyone was drinking.

Fast-forward nineteen years- (more detail later)

July 28th, 2007

Hospital Stay #3: I was only out of the house for two weeks. My phone rings at 6:30AM. It was my husband. “Kim, I need you to come to the house. I’m sick and need to go to the hospital.” I tell him I’ll be right up. I arrived within minutes of his call. He was sitting in his recliner, smiling at me. I ask him what’s wrong, as if I don’t already know. He said with the faint smell of alcohol on his breath “I just need you to give me a ride to the bathroom.” I know this isn’t good. I am not a nurse or a doctor but I’ve been here before-he has encephalopathy again. I know that ammonia is going to his brain causing this confusion. I asked him if he called the ambulance yet, he said, “No I was waiting for you.”

Seconds later there is a knock on the door. The paramedics have arrived. I didn’t call them, they told me my husband did. (This has been a constant in my life these past few months. Asking him questions, getting a response from him, but never knowing whether or not to trust the answer that comes from his mouth.) He wanted to change his clothes before he went in the ambulance as he told them “I soiled myself a little”. The paramedics told him he was fine and were taking his vitals. I needed to walk out of the house. I was so angry. One of the paramedics came outside with me to ask some medical questions. They smelled the alcohol on him too. I just shook my head. My thought of “My God Greg you knew if you drank again you were going to die. Why???” I knew what we were all in for. I called his parents. I was crying and telling them that I had the ambulance at the house and their son needed to go to the hospital. I told them that this is exactly what I did not want to be doing, that I could not do this anymore. They reassured me they would meet me at the hospital. They lived twenty minutes from the hospital. Two and a half hours later they arrived. Of course, my own mother knew what was going on and immediately met me at the hospital. She walked into the ER room that my husband was in, talked to him like he was going to be OK. Thoughts of “Am I insane? Am I seeing something that nobody else is? Am I exaggerating his medical condition and what the GI doctor told me- if he drinks again he would die? My mom walked out in tears. She never showed him those tears; she wanted him to have hope.

I needed to leave the ER as I had a second job I needed to go to. I know this may sound cold of me to leave him alone, at the hospital; waiting for his parents to arrive but mine was the only income. I was responsible for the mortgage, utilities, food etc. I had no choice but to go to work. I was the responsible one. I had two teenage children to care for.

I just pulled into the parking lot for my job when, my husband’s GI doctor was calling my cell phone. He said, “Kim, I know we just worked really closely on your husband’s case a few weeks ago, but his parents are telling me that you are estranged and they will be making all the medical decisions.” I explained to him that I moved out two weeks ago, however, I was still his wife, knew what my husband wanted and that I would in fact be making any and all medical decisions if my husband could not. He asked me to please come to the hospital as soon as possible. I ran inside Bed Bath and Beyond where I worked, found my manager, trying to hold back my tears I explained to her that my husband was in ICU, and I needed to go to the hospital immediately and would be unable to work my shift. I told her I would call later as I didn’t know what the week would hold for me. Running out of the store and to my car my thoughts were “Damn you Greg! I can’t believe you are doing this to us again!”

So now I’m feeling anger at him, anger at his parents, fear for what’s ahead. It’s always been a feeling like getting punched hard in the stomach when you’re not looking. On the ride to the hospital, I played it out in my head, what I would say to his parents, what I would do, how I needed to keep composure. Falling apart was not a part of the plan.

By the time I arrived at the intensive care unit, the nurses were already giving him a blood transfusion. His parents were sitting in the waiting area. I stopped briefly, and calmly told them I knew that they told the doctor that I was the estranged wife and that they would be making the medical decisions. I told them that I have lived with their son for the past nineteen years, and lived the hell of his addiction. I told them that I was still his wife, I would include them in on any medical decisions that needed to be made, however my decision would be the final one. They of course, denied ever saying that to the doctor. My thought was “let it slide, Kim- just take a deep breath and let it slide.” The reality of it all was I knew my husband was dying; I didn’t need a doctor to come out and speak those words. I knew in my heart, that my in-laws could not make the tough decisions that were ahead. And I was his wife; it was my responsibility to make those decisions.

I met with the GI doctor. Based on my husband’s blood levels, he felt he was bleeding internally, and wanted to perform an endoscopy to see if there was varicies. I signed the consent for it, because my husband was incapable of signing. The doctor also informed me that he would like to wait until the next morning to do it, however, if things got worse today he might need to do it on an emergency basis.

I needed to go home and tell my two children what was happening. They were numb to what I was telling them. You tend to feel emotionless when you’ve been thru this enough times. How many times can you hear “you need to be prepared, your father probably won’t make it thru this time.” I have always been honest with my children about their father’s disease. I knew it was so important for them to be able to trust me with this, to know I was always going to be straight forward no matter what the outcome may be. This was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

My daughter was accepting of it. She was angry but wanted to see her father. It’s been a crazy year for her. Between her father going in and out of the hospital, leaving for rehab on her birthday, in June she left for an economics leadership program, she was home for a week, she spent a week at my brothers house taking care of his animals while they were on vacation and then she left for Washington DC to volunteer at the Hugh O’Brien World Leadership Congress. She arrived back home late on July 28th. On July 29th her father was admitted to the hospital and she hadn’t seen him in weeks. She was exhausted to say the least. Another emotional roller coaster for her.

Can you imagine going from a World Leadership Congress with 400 plus teenagers from all over the World who excel in academics, leadership and volunteerism, a place where when you walk into a room with these teenagers you can’t help but feel their enthusiasm for life, their positive spirit and feel through your entire body the energy that radiates from them to a place where death is imminent? All I can say is she is a remarkable person.

My son was angry. He told me he was not going to see his father at the hospital. I respected his decision. My family did not understand my acceptance of his decision. You see, they didn’t live in our house; they didn’t experience the day-to-day chaos that the alcohol brought into our lives. You need to experience it to truly understand it. I was told “he will regret this the rest of his life if you don’t make him go see his father.” I knew my son. I knew he absolutely needed to feel he controlled his own decisions. I was truly fine with his decision. In a lot of ways I envied him.

It’s funny now, how really “in control” I was during this time. I guess I had been preparing myself for years. During the last week of my husband’s life, I stayed calmly in control. I listened to people’s opinion; I saw their concern, their hurt, and their tears. I was able to take it all in and feel for them, be there for them. I was able to talk to doctors rationally about their expectations, plans, and reasoning’s behind certain tests. I amazed myself. I believe so much of this was due to me making a promise to myself and my family to do everything possible to help my husband with his addiction. I knew that this day would come and I was going to need to say “you have done all you could for him, it was in his hands and Gods hands.” As this promise came into play, I shared it with my children- always using the words “we are” or “we will”. Always letting them know I would be truthful with them. In the end, they too, were able to feel “we” did all we could for him. There was no guilt attached. What a good feeling.

There are a few parts of this that remain foggy to me. This next part is one of them.

My brothers and their wives arrived at the house. I sat downstairs with them, explained to them what was happening with my husband and we all held each other and cried together.

During this time, my father was walking around on crutches. He badly needed to get his hip replaced and was in agony from the pain. My father was angry with my husband for all he put us through. He had a difficult time accepting that my husband couldn’t just stop drinking. He made a lot of excuses for not going to the hospital to see him. My mom is a very forgiving person, and while her son-in-law hurt her daughter and grandchildren, she completely understood the disease and forgave him.

I went back to the hospital. I know I said I would not do the hospital scene ever again. But the truth was, I still loved this man. I hated the alcoholic but loved the man. I realized I was finally able to separate the two. He was going downhill fast. Blood transfusions had been running throughout the day, he still had brain confusion when he was awake.

My family (minus my father) arrived shortly after. (My father did eventually come up to the hospital and then we couldn’t get him to leave).

I remember walking into my husband’s hospital room with my twin brother and standing by him. His anger now gone. His compassion, immeasurable. He walked over and kissed his friend (my husband) on the forehead. My husband opened his eyes and smiled. I remember my brother walking out of the room, tears running down his face, and I hugged him. He has felt that blinded punch in the stomach that I have lived with for so long. As I write this, I have tears running down my cheeks. It is like opening newly healed wounds

Monday July 29th:

It’s early Monday morning and there is some confusion as to whether or not the endoscopy will be done. The resident doctor comes out to speak to me. We talk about a DNR. We talk about the expected outcome, it’s grim. I am confident with my answer to the DNR. I know, without a doubt, a DNR order needs to be in place. This is something my husband and I talked about in depth.

The doctor covering for our primary care physician arrives. We sit on the couch of the waiting room in the ICU. It’s eerily quiet. We talk about the lab results, the blood transfusion, and the encephalopathy. He explains to me what to anticipate. I told him I signed a DNR order. He said it was a good decision. I remember looking him straight in the eyes, hoping for an honest answer. I asked him, “When will I know it’s time to stop everything?” He said, “You will know that it is time when the blood transfusions are being hung one after another after another. When you see that he has had three or four transfusions and nothing has improved it will be time to consider stopping all help.

At this point all we will be doing is playing games with numbers. One transfusion brings the lab levels up only to drop again and another transfusion is given to bring numbers up again. Follow your heart, you will know.”

My husband’s GI doctor arrives. He sits and talks briefly to me. He said, “I understand there is some confusion as to whether you want this test done.” His GI doctor is all business. Bedside manner could be better, but he is the best in his field. So I ask him, “Why are we doing the endoscopy if there is little chance of him pulling thru this?” He said, “Kim, you brought him to a hospital, at a hospital we do what we can to give the patient a chance. I am not saying this will help anything but if there are varicies and we can clip them so they stop bleeding, maybe it will help. If you didn’t want to take these chances then you should have gone to hospice.”

I thought he was fair with his answer. I didn’t need him babying me with words. Short and sweet and to the point. Perfect for me. I said go ahead do the test.

The endoscopy was done right inside the ICU room. I remember my parents, my twin brother, and my best friend being there. (It seems like my best friend NEVER left my side during this week). It seemed like an eternity before the doctor came out. But he came out and called me over to the side away from everyone. I remember seeing his face how pale it was for a doctor, so I listened to him and looked down at his clogged feet. He told me to prepare myself for the worst; my husband was in congestive heart failure. My husband had minimal varices. That was good right? Wrong- Instead, the doctor explained to me that my husband’s entire GI tract was oozing blood. It was described as “kinda like when you scrape your knee and it just keeps oozing and stings.”

The doctor told me he put an oxygen mask on my husband to try to help him breathe a little easier, and I should go in and be with him. I called the family over and explained to them what was explained to me. I then walked into my husband’s room totally unprepared for what I was about to see. The hospital staff had my husband propped sitting straight up; his eyes were bulging as he was gasping for air. There was blood everywhere. On his face, on his Johnny coat, on the sheets. He then began to make a God-awful noise. It was loud, so very loud. I didn’t know what to do. He was looking at me with his bulging eyes looking for me to help him. I wanted to run. I needed to get out of that room. I am a strong person but I was not prepared for this.

I can’t tell you how many times I walked quickly away to the door leading to the hallway- the hallway where I could escape and not see that image any longer. At that moment I knew what it was like to be insane. I would walk away only to tell myself I couldn’t leave him alone like that, alone and scared. I think by the fourth time I just had to leave. The nurse actually came in and told me to leave she wanted to clean him up. She did this to save me from making the decision. I remember just barely being able to walk out of his room, my energy completely drained from my body.

Everyone was standing there wanting to know how he was, I couldn’t speak. Instead I let my knees give out and I slid down the wall in a crouched position, my hands covering my eyes, and I sobbed uncontrollably. While this was happening, his moaning increased in volume and everyone in the waiting area could hear him. I didn’t need to say anything else. They all cried along with me. I would not allow anyone to go in to see him like that, I wanted him cleaned up. I knew that vision was going to haunt me the rest of my life. No need for anyone else to experience it.

It was an extremely long day of not knowing what was going to happen. My husband was not going to pull through this time. I called both of the kids and told them that I did not think their father was going to live much longer. Throughout the afternoon we all went in to say our good byes. At one point both families had encircled his bed and you could feel the love for him in the room. I remember holding his hand and telling him that it was okay to let go. I was trying to give him permission to die. We stood around and cried, and hugged one another and tried to console each other. I didn’t care who was in the room; he needed to know it was time to let go. I never thought I would actually know that he was dying. I always said he was going to die from the alcohol, I didn’t know that I would actually know when but I could feel it in every fiber of my being that my husband was going to die. I knew what I needed. I needed to turn back time and find a way to change the outcome of my husband’s addiction. That wasn’t going to happen.

Everyone was trying to support me the only way they knew how. You need to remember this was a new experience for all of us. No one planned on my husband dying at the age of 42.

During this stressful day, I took a few minutes to call my divorce attorney. I told her my husband was in the hospital and was not going to pull through this time. I needed to stop the proceedings. She didn’t really know what to say, so she told me she was there for me-anything I needed just call. When I look back at this, I wonder why I made this call from the hospital.

Later in the afternoon, my son called me. Mom I’m coming up. I’m not staying more than twenty minutes. I told him “whatever you want to do.” He was walking to the hospital. Everyone offered to give him a ride, but I know my son, walking is a kind of therapy; he can collect his thoughts and feelings. I called him back to see if he knew where to go, he didn’t so I met him at the elevators. He was so angry. But I know he came for me. We sat at the furthest waiting area, and we talked. I told him what was happening with his dad. He didn’t want to go in to see him. He told me he was leaving.

July 30th:

It’s now Tuesday morning. I arrive at the ICU room at approximately 630am

Slowly, the last day, he slipped in and out of consciousness. When he was awake he kept asking for water. WATER

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATER.

At some point on this day, the hospital social worker stopped by to see me. This is the same social worker that walked out on me when my husband was standing over me with his fist, the same social worker that told me I was speaking out of anger and would not get inpatient rehab the first time around. She came up to me and told me she was there for me and whatever I needed she would be there for me. I said thanks and walked away shaking my head laughing. Now she wants to help me? Now when there was no hope left. What help could she possibly be? I didn’t need a friend or support- I had my family.

On August 4, 2007 my husband passed away, quietly in his sleep. The death certificate read heart failure. The reality was his death was caused from alcohol dependency.

My daughter just recently graduated from high school.I am so proud of all that she has accomplished. Throughout the year after her father died, she maintained her high honor status, graduating as Valedictorian of her class. She was involved with HOBY, National Honor Society, Spanish Honor Society, United Way- to name a few. She will be leaving in August for The George Washington University. She is looking forward to moving away and starting fresh. I can’t say I blame her. I just hope she isn’t trying to run away from memories.

My son is still struggling thru high school. He is such a smart kid, but lacks the motivation to use what he has. I see a more relaxed kid, someone who talks to me instead of yelling at me. I see him smiling a little more and every now and then I even get a semi- hug. To me this is huge. I still see a very protective teenager with his “walls up”- always ready to never let anyone hurt him again.

As for me- I struggle every single day. I have a difficult time trusting people. I don’t let people in easily. My philosophy on this is if people aren’t in your life they can’t hurt you. It’s hard to even let family members in. I don’t want them feeling sorry for me. I close my eyes and see the last week of my husband’s life. Sometimes it will be a vision of him after his endoscopy when he was in congestive heart failure, sitting straight up in his bed with an oxygen mask on his face, eyes bulging, and blood all over him AND HIS BED another time it may be him prior to his final hospital stay, bloated to the point where fluid was leaking thru his skin and running down his legs. He would take a sanitary napkin and put it inside his sock to soak up the fluid so it didn’t drench his sock. These are two memories that haunt me. This is what the other books don’t tell you. The insanity of living with an alcoholic.

It’s funny how the people around you judge you when they don’t know what’s going on in your life and then feels the need to feel sorry for you when they realize the hell you’ve been thru. I remember people I went to school with my entire life, making statements behind my back about my lack of participation in my children’s school events, sports, meetings etc. during the past year. It really hurt but in the grand scheme of things it just didn’t matter at the time. If they only knew the insanity in my life, my kids life, if they only knew I had all I could do to keep things together for the kids and myself.

I’ve learned a very important lesson thru all of this and that is not to judge people. When you think that someone is snubbing you off stop and think that maybe they have something going on in their own lives that they aren’t ready to share.” Walk away with a smile because if they are snubbing you off your smile will be an indication that it’s not really bothering you, and if they have something going on that smile may just brighten their day a little even if they don’t show it.

After my husband died, I began to hate these two simple phrases; “so how are you doing?? ” and “how are you?” The walls go immediately up. What I really want to say is “how the hell do you think I’m doing– I lost my husband, my house, my life”– but I realize that would be my anger being thrown at people who simply are just asking a question of concern. So I simply smile and say, “I’m fine”.

My life has been forever changed. But I am moving forward. I am currently enrolled in college. I am working toward obtaining a BS degree in psychology. My goal is to become a Substance Abuse and Behavioral Disorder Counselor.

What you read above, is a small section of the book I am in the process of writing. It is a slow process–mainly because it becomes too painful to write at times. But I have a goal to finish it.

I want other people to know they are not alone.

(I can be contacted at: kmtimp1@yahoo.com)

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Raising the Bottom?

February 12, 2012 in AA Related, Al-Anon Related. . ., Ask Joe, Why Don't they Just Quit by jherzanek | 3 comments

Joe Herzanek, Author, Addiction Counselor and Interventionist

> Chaplain Joe Herzanek, Author, Addiction Counselor

Rock Bottom, Raising the Bottom
or Tough Love?

After speaking to and emailing hundreds of parents, spouses and other family members, I know this is a lot easier said, than done. Raising the bottom is especially difficult for mothers and is one of the reasons I wrote the book Why Don’t They JUST QUIT? — to get the message to as many as possible.

Exactly what do I mean by “raising the bottom”? This whole idea of “hitting bottom” is out of date. Some people will wait years–even decades–for their friend to reach this mythical point in their alcohol and drug use. But why wait for them to “hit bottom”? Why not help them by raising their bottom? There are ways to encourage someone to reach for help much earlier. In doing so, we can avoid a lot of unnecessary pain and heartache and maybe even save their life. For some people, hitting bottom will be six feet underground.

So does everyone have to hit rock bottom? I would say no. Tough love can prevent a substance abuser from prolonging their usage. There are loving ways to refuse to rescue someone that in the long run will help him or her to choose recovery. Loving means doing the right thing to help. This can take all of our strength and energy at times. “We all hate to see someone suffer even when the suffering is a consequence of their bad choices. This approach, or some form of it, is something you might consider: Raise the bottom. Whether it is a teenage son or daughter, a spouse, boyfriend, aunt or uncle, the same principles can apply. A few nights in jail could be the best thing that ever happens to them. The next time this person you care about appeals to you to get them out of a bind (loan them money, pay their electric bill, buy them gas, pay for a lawyer), think twice. You just might be prolonging their disease and robbing them of the natural consequences that they need to experience in order to seek help and begin to connect the dots.

I receive a lot of mail from family members who are searching for “Al-anon type” answers and information. Here’s a typical email and my response (I’ve changed the name and some of the details to protect the identity of this woman).

Dear Joe,
I have just ordered Why Don’t They JUST QUIT? as my last resort to get off the emotional rollercoaster my alcoholic husband has put me on! He has been an alcoholic since he was a teenager. It’s like living with Jekyl & Hyde! The physical & emotional rollercoaster is killing me. He has been incarcerated about 4 times and was in many different programs for alcohol, at least 5 or 6. He drives while drinking, and gambles when he drinks. I could go on forever. I constantly walk on eggshells and don’t know how much more I can handle. This book is my last resort before I suffer a mental breakdown.

Thanks Joe,
Sarah

Hi Sarah,
Thanks for your email. Sorry to hear about your current struggle. Your life does not have to be this way! The book will definitely help and give you some insights on the addiction problem. The difficult part will be sticking with the tough love that is necessary to motivate your husband to begin recovery. You can do it and so can he.

I don’t know your entire situation, but the number one issue must be dealt with, and that is HIS alcohol and or drug use.

Keep that in mind. You didn’t cause this problem and you can’t control or cure it. What you can do is confront it and perhaps give ultimatums. You can force him to see the light or feel the heat.

At some point he needs to choose which relationship is the most important–his relationship with you or his relationship with alcohol. Let him know there is a high cost to continue his current way of living. The pain of consequences is often the best teacher.

Hang in there.
Joe

ASK JOE:
>Son needs $75 for drug dealer of he’ll be “killed for sure.”

>”I need help because I’m not able to deal with my live-in Fiance’s need to get drunk every night.”

>Should my husband “back off?”

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This article excerpted from the award-winning book “Why Don’t They Just Quit? What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery.” by Joe Herzanek

The Parable of the Prodigal Son

While he was still a long way off,
his father saw him coming.
Filled with compassion
the father ran to the son,
threw his arms around him and said,
“Welcome home.”
His son had come to his senses.
Let’s have a party!

His brother refused to come to the party
even after his father pleaded with him
to join them.
“I’ve stayed here all these years
and never caused a problem.
No one ever had a party for me,”
said the brother.
–paraphrased from the Gospel of Luke

Siblings often find themselves caught in the middle of the recovery process. In the story of the prodigal son, a father waits and watches expectantly for the return of his wayward child. The boy left home and not only squandered his inheritance, but also wasted a big chunk of his life. But there is so much more to the story. As we take a closer look at the entire family, we see that “the rest of the story” can apply to families and siblings today who are struggling with the early stages of recovery.

I know from firsthand experience how siblings can suffer. During my addiction, I was blind to how my actions were affecting my brother and two sisters. Actually, the entire family did not understand what was happening. Even now, more than thirty years later, some members of my family remain bitter, and we have never been able to resolve those hard feelings.

There is only so much time in any given day and when there is one high-maintenance family member, often the other children are neglected. Parents have a limited amount of energy for each day, and then they reach a point of exhaustion. In my case, which again is not unique, I received more than my share of attention. I, like many other addicts, was a very needy person. My life was one crisis after another. There were many occasions when I needed money. I drained my parents of their finances as well as their time and energy. Who suffered? At the time, it was far from obvious, but as I look back it is clear that my brother and sisters—basically good, low-maintenance kids were the innocent victims.

Mom and Dad spent a lot of their parenting energy either helping me with a problem or worried about what I might do next; they were even afraid to answer the phone. They couldn’t be in two places at once, physically or mentally. As a result, my siblings did not receive nearly the amount of attention they deserved. My parents missed their school programs and sports games because of my problems, and holidays were often ruined. Much of the focus was on Joe, and I was messing up my life while my brother and sisters were left striving to do the right thing and gain my parents’ approval and attention.

To make matters worse, my parents’ attention continued to be focused on me for a long time into my recovery. My siblings had to hear over and over, Isn’t it great that Joe’s quit using drugs? How wonderful that Joe is clean and sober. Joe has been drug-free for a year now “let’s celebrate!” These sort of comments continued, even after everything should have been back to normal. Talk about rubbing psychological salt in a wound; my brother and sisters must have been ready to puke. At that time, none of us had a clue how this would ultimately affect our future relationships.

Insidious: working or spreading harmfully in a subtle or stealthy manner. awaiting a chance to entrap; treacherous. harmful but enticing. Developing so gradually as to be well established before becoming apparent. (Webster’s Dictionary)

It was only after years of recovery and study on this topic that this realization came to me. Because of this disease’s slow progression, few families are aware of the effect addiction has on the family as a whole. Few addicts think of making amends toward those who did not appear to be directly affected.

When I entered treatment many years ago, there was not much emphasis placed on the importance of family in the recovery process. Today, this is a key component in most treatment programs. Parents and siblings are strongly encouraged to be part of the process. Some centers will even offer what is called Family Week. This is a time for those who have been negatively affected to become involved in the recovery process. Many times family members will refuse to get involved: “He/she had the problem, not me. And now you are asking me to get counseling? You must be crazy.” Nonetheless, I strongly suggest that family members attend some meetings–if for no other reason than to vent frustration. It will be worth it.

Addiction is treacherous for the whole family. Over time, relationships can become a tangled web. Feelings get hurt and bitterness creeps in, almost unnoticed. Strife begins to build, and after a while no one remembers why. But life is too short to waste years like this. Miracles can happen when a professional helps untangle the mess.

Time has yet to heal some of the wounds in my family. The impact of my addiction and recovery has left deep scars, and damaged relationships among my immediate family that we are still attempting to understand and mend. Despite our attempts to keep things simple, life can sometimes become very complicated. Over the years, my siblings have married. Bitterness and unresolved strife have colored relationships not only among my siblings, but among our spouses and children as well. Recovery and the process of making amends to those who were hurt takes a while. Sometimes these differences may never be resolved.

Quitting, as wonderful as that may be, is not the same as recovering. Recovery means taking responsibility for the broken relationships that occurred when the addict was using. Repairing broken relationships is critical to the process of recovery. With patience and time, progress can be made.

This article excerpted from the book Why Don’t They Just Quit?

* Have you “tried everything?” To learn about individual counseling with Joe Herzanek (in person or by phone) click here.

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November 20, 2011 by jherzanek | 6 comments

I’m worried he may never recover

June 2, 2011 in Ask Joe by jherzanek | 3 comments

Joe Herzanek, Author, Addiction Counselor and Interventionist

ASK JOE: ADDICTED TO OXYCONTIN

Q
Hi Joe:
I purchased your book in Jan. I read it from front to back several times for more than one reason. It was so full of information I wanted to make sure I absorbed it all.

My 20 year old son has just entered rehab for the 3rd time. We have tried to send him to the best places and so far have spent $30,000.00. He is addicted to Oxycontin. I had so much hope the first few times and now I am starting to realize what a stronghold this drug has on him. I am worried that he may never recover.

I am also feeling so much guilt and keep looking back to try and figure out what I could have done differently when he was growing up. I’m constantly convincing myself that if we had only been more firm with him, had more rules, if I hadn’t been a working mom and put him in so many daycares, things would have ended up differently (he wouldn’t be addicted to Oxycontin). I know that I’m just trying to find a way to ease my pain and guilt. Do you have any suggestions?

–Guilt-ridden in Minneapolis

A
Sorry to hear about your son who is addicted to Oxycontin. I’ll get right to the point. He doesn’t need another rehab to go to; he can completely stop using pain meds if he wants to–and you didn’t cause his addiction.

His age is a big issue. Most treatment places won’t even take him because he’s an adolescent. They have learned over the years that the success rate for treating adolescents is abysmal. He needs to feel the pain and consequences of his use.

I would use the tough love approach if it were me. Foster Kline’s book, “Parenting Teens with Love and Logic” is a book you should also read.

If the “want to” is there, your son will be able to quit. Your job is to make it crystal clear to him that you love him and will help him on the journey to recovery. And you will not do anything that keeps him from growing up and becoming a mature adult.

This is a process that will take some time but needs to begin now! The longer you wait the harder it will become. He will fight this in the beginning, that’s just the way it is. “Do you love your son enough to let him be mad at you?” I hope you do because that too is part of the process.

Seek some wise counsel for yourself as well.

Best regards,
Joe

Email your questions to Joe. He will reply to you personally.

* Have you “tried everything?” To learn about individual counseling with Joe Herzanek (in person or by phone) click here.
MORE ASK JOE:

Son needs $75 for drug dealer of he’ll be “killed for sure.”

“I need help because I’m not able to deal with my live-in Fiance’s need to get drunk every night.”

Should my husband “back off?”

addicted to Oxycontin addicted to Oxycontin addicted to Oxycontin addicted to Oxycontin

Tags: Addicted child, addicted son, addicted teen, addicted to Oxycontin, addiction books, addiction help, addiction recovery, addictions help, addictions video, addictionvideos.com, addicts help, Al-Anon, Al-Anon literature, alanon, alanon ca, alanon group, alanon help, alanon literature, alanon manhattan, alanon steps, alcohol addiction help, alcohol help, alcoholic child, alcoholic help, alcoholic son, alcoholism help, alcoholism.about.com, allanon, Ask Joe, changing lives foundation, drug help, drug use help, drugs help, help an addict, help for addiction, help for addicts, help for alcoholic, help for alcoholics, help for alcoholism, help for drug, help for family of addicts, help for teen addicts, how to beat addiction, how to help a drug addict, how to help an addict, just quit, Why Don't they Just Quit, whydonttheyjustquit, worried about recovery

The Importance of Empathy

This short article explains one of the most important (and one of our favorite) concepts. Dr. James Fay (Parenting Teens With Love and Logic) illustrates the simple approach–of showing empathy while remaining strong.

EMPATHY!

Consequences delivered with empathy
create responsibility.
Consequences delivered without empathy
create resentment.

So we have a choice: Will we raise responsible kids…or resentful ones?

Will we end up in a nice nursing home or a nasty one?

Understanding why empathy is the most important skill is simple. Empathy preserves the relationship and makes it very hard for our kids to blame us for their poor decisions.

Really using sincere empathy…on a consistent basis…is the hard part!

We’ve spent over two decades studying people who’ve been successful with this. What do they have in common? They use just one empathetic statement…regardless of what consequence they must provide.

That’s right. They keep it simple!

They also pick one that fits their personality and culture. Some folks always precede consequences with, “That is so sad.” Others prefer, “Oh, man…”

Some parents say, “What a bummer.” Others prefer, “Bless your heart.”

Tape this note on your bathroom mirror as a reminder.

Thanks for reading!
Dr. Charles Fay
Originally Published 7/15/09

©2009 Jim Fay, Charles Fay, Ph.D., and Love and Logic® Institute. All copyright infringement laws apply. Permission granted for photocopy reproduction and forwarding. Please do not alter or modify contents. For more information, call the Love and Logic® Institute, Inc. at (800) 338-4065 or www.loveandlogic.com

RELATED:
Why Do Alcoholics Drink? ~by Toby Rice Drews

The Critical Role of Al-Anon in Family Addiction Recovery ~by Joe Herzanek

RESOURCES:
Addiction Recovery Resources for Families of Substance Abusers, Addicts and Alcoholics

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April 20, 2011 by jherzanek | No comments

Memories of past relapses

April 9, 2011 in Charlie's Corner: "Sobriety is a HOOT!" by jherzanek | No comments

Daily Prayers

I was talking with my Sponsor about prayers to God.. I pray to God in the morning for direction in my day.

Then I pray to God in the evening, thanking him for keeping me sober each day. That is all I do each day on Prayer.

I have also noticed that I also only pray when something seems to be not going the way I want them to. As of yesterday, I will be praying more during the day, starting with the poor Alcoholic that is still suffering, and I will pray for God’s guidance through out the day, not just in the morning.

God and Prayer is my mainstay in Sobriety; I cannot afford to let down of the spiritual part in my life.

Just my thoughts for this morning. I owe so much to God, Alcoholics Anonymous, great sponsorship, and people just like you…

Thank you all for being my friends in recovery. I love you all.. Sobriety is still a Hoot for me…

Memories of past relapses

I was thinking about some of my many attempts to get sober, and when I just didn’t quite get it. I can remember going to get that first bottle, going into the liquor store, looking around, as I was sure the AA Police were following me. Buying the bottle still looking around like I might be robbing the place. My hand shaking as instead of a normal person I placed the bottle in my pants, and sneaked out the door, still looking. I guess I thought I was that important that people would follow me to a liquor store.

I have been blessed as God has lifted my desire to drink and I do not have to live that way today. In my life Sobriety is a Hoot, that I won’t give up for anything. Just my thoughts for today.

Tags: AA, AA humor, addiction, addiction help, addiction recovery, Al-Anon, Al-Anon literature, alanon, alanon steps, alcohol addiction help, alcoholics anonymous, changing lives foundation, Charlie Vaughn, just quit, Relapse, sobriety stories, Why Don’t they Just Quit

Charlie’s Corner: I still do stupid stuff sober.

February 16, 2011 in Charlie's Corner: "Sobriety is a HOOT!" by jherzanek | 4 comments

I STILL DO STUPID STUFF SOBER

I went outside this morning to let Max out in the back yard. Went to let him back in as it was pretty chilly out there in my Jammie’s. Apparently the door going to the deck locks—so I was locked out with Max in the back yard. I wonder if the Serenity Prayer works on stupid.

I had to go meet my new next door neighbor in my jammie’s to get help to get back in. If I would have been drunk I probably would have broken the window. Got in by a friend of mine that used to break into houses to get drug money. See—the Program does work if you work it…lol

Just a share to let you know we are all human and do things that just aren’t cool…Love you All.

MORE FROM CHARLIE

Tags: AA, AA humor, addiction, addiction help, addiction recovery, Al-Anon, Al-Anon literature, alanon, alanon steps, alcohol addiction help, changing lives foundation, Charlie Vaughn, just quit, Why Don’t they Just Quit

Ask Joe: “I need help because I’m not able to deal with my live-in fiance’s need to get drunk every night”

January 17, 2011 in Al-Anon Related. . ., Ask Joe by jherzanek | 14 comments

Ask Joe:
“I need help because I’m not able to deal with my live-in fiance’s need to get drunk every night”

I just now received this email/question asking for guidance.

Dear Joe,
I came across your site but I don’t have the money to buy a book or anything. I need help because I’m not able to deal with my live-in fiance’s need to get drunk every night. I’m not comfortable with it.

He says I need counseling to just deal with it because lots of people drink every night. He comes up with bizarre stuff to justify his drinking. Like he’s an Aquarius so he has to drink because . . . (Read the entire entry and Joe’s simple answer)

MORE ASK JOE:
> Do you have to stop seeing all your old friends in order to recover?

> Is a relapse—failure?

> What is a Pink Cloud? What does the term “pink cloud” mean?

> If someone can stop using drugs or alcohol for weeks at a time, they “aren’t an addict—correct?

>Chronic Pain Management & Pain Pill Addiction: What to do?

>How can I know if my addicted friend or loved one is telling the truth?

>”I need help because I’m not able to deal with my live-in Fiance’s need to get drunk every night.”

>Should my husband “back off?”

>Gambling vs. Drug Addiction? What is your opinion?

>How can I tell if someone is an addict/alcoholic or just a heavy user?

>What is Methadone? What is Harm Reduction?

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Detachment in the Real World and The Monastery

St. Benedict

Below is part of a newsletter that I receive weekly from a monk at a Monastery in New Mexico. The name of the monastery is, “Christ in the Desert.” I make an annual retreat there every year.

It’s very secluded—at the end of a thirteen mile dirt road. It was built in the 60′s by George Nakashima, famous Japanese-American woodworker and architect. The Monastery is “off the grid” and the adobe construction blends perfectly with the cactus and the high canyon walls that surround it. Cloistered together there are about twenty-five monks and rooms for another ten or so guests.

Abbot Philip’s message this week addresses the challenge of dealing with difficult people in our lives—people we cannot trust. Below is a portion of that newsletter. I think his words help us (family members) know how to best deal with someone in our lives who has shown (often over weeks, months and even years) that they cannot be trusted. I guess that even among the monks “every day is not a hot fudge sundae.”
~ Joe

THE PRACTICALITY OF CUTTING SOMEONE OUT OF ONE’S LIFE (AT LEAST FOR A TIME).
~ Excerpt from Abbot Philip’s newsletter

“. . . In the long-run, whatever we do—presuming that we allow such a person to remain in our lives—is going to require huge amounts of energy from us, so we must be prepared for that, if we choose to continue to relate to the person. READ MORE . . . (and to see photos of Christ in the Desert Monastery)

To read more on the subject of detachment, read Joe’s very popular article “Detachment. How Can I?“

_____________________________________________________________________________
Detachment Monastery Detachment Tough Love Detachment Monastery Detachment Tough Love

January 15, 2011 by jherzanek | No comments

On Wednesday, October 20, 2010 Changing Lives Foundation/Joe Herzanek was honored to have the privilege of conducting the Keynote Address for the Adult Drug Treatment Court Graduation in Colorado Springs, CO.

During his address, Joe spoke of his (often humorous) past experiences, displaying a large “before photo” of himself, and ended the ceremony by leading the group in an emotional “pledge” —first recited by the new graduates, and followed by friends and family (see below). We have reprinted the feature article on this event that appeared recently in the Colorado Springs Gazette.

“We received many great comments regarding the keynote address by Joe Herzanek at our Drug Court graduation ceremony. The attendees related to Mr. Herzanek’s personal experience on the road to addiction recovery and were encouraged by his long term success. He made them laugh at some of his (and their) choices, and reached them with down to earth examples that hit home with their recovery challenges. We were pleased to have Joe speak at our graduation and hope to have him back again.”

~ Marilyn Burnett/Program Manager: Adult Drug Treatment Court State of Colorado 4^th Judicial District Court, Division 5L

Second chances: Drug Court helps people turn lives around

November 27, 2010

Barbara Cotter/The Gazette Photos by Mark Reis, The Gazette

Deanna Simmons chokes up as she grabs the microphone in the jury room of the Fourth Judicial District courthouse, but who can blame her? This is her night to graduate from Drug Court, and it represents a huge step in mending the life she shattered with her meth addiction.

“In this room, I had supervised visits with my son,” the 40-year-old woman tells a roomful of other Drug Court participants and their families. “Now, I get to take him home with me.”

The crowd applauds as Simmons returns to her seat and hugs her 12-year-old son and her mother.

It’s another success story for Drug Court, an 11-year-old program for people facing their first-ever felony drug charge. It relies on a team of two psychotherapists, two probation officers, a prosecutor from the District Attorney’s office and Magistrate Lisa Kirkman to assess the offenders’ issues and needs, equip them with a “toolbox” of coping strategies and plug them into services to help them get clean and stay that way.

“We wrap ’em up in services,” Kirkman says.

As of Oct. 19, 624 people had successfully completed the program, representing a graduation rate of about 76 percent. The graduates are rewarded with dismissal of the charge that got them into Drug Court in the first place. If they can stay clean for two years after graduation and undergo aftercare for the first of those two years, they can even get their records sealed.

But the biggest reward goes beyond their status with the legal system. They leave with a sense of accomplishment, higher self-esteem, a much healthier body, a set of coping tools and the prospect of a rosier future, the Drug Court team says.

“It’s changed my life,” says 32-year-old Bonnie Norris, a habitual meth user and mother of an 11-year-old daughter. “My goals are to graduate, stay sober, raise my daughter without drugs, move up in my job and get my GED.” She eventually wants to be a crime scene investigator.

Four “strikes” allowed

For Simmons, Norris and the 120 or so others in the program at any given time, Kirkman’s courtroom is a place of second chances. And third.

And even more.

Joe Herzanek displays "before" photo at Co. Springs Drug Court Graduation

“We never lose hope in Drug Court,” says Kirkman.

Magistrate Lisa Kirkman claps for the 100 days of sobriety for Drug Court participant Kathrin Bueche Wednesday, October 20, 2010.

Most participants can finish the program in a year as they pass through three phases that require several commitments: random drug tests, meetings with probation officers, regularly scheduled court appearances and the presentation of a “life plan” after the last phase.

They’re allowed up to four “strikes” — mistakes — in the first two phases, and one in the third.

Even that isn’t hard and fast, however, because the DA can combine strikes “and give more opportunity to people,” Kirkman says.

“I had five strikes in my first three weeks. I wasn’t taking it seriously,” says 25-year-old Chelsea Oubre, who expects to be in the next group of graduates.

“I kept using. I went back to jail.”

Jail is the consequence for the more egregious violations, such as a missed or “hot” urinalysis tests.

Other violations, such as missing a treatment group, might bring a requirement for public service and electronic home monitoring.

“One of the reasons Drug Court works is that consequences for behavior are immediate and swift,” the program material states.

But Kirkman says the strike system isn’t front and center in the program.

“It’s not so focused on strikes as it is on accountability, honesty and success,” she says.

Ironically, Kirkman was once known as “lock ’em up Lisa,” a reference to her success rate as a prosecutor, which included the prosecution of many drug crimes.

She helped launch Drug Court in 1999 and served as prosecutor, then was appointed magistrate.

She left the position for two years to go back to the DA’s Office, but then returned to being magistrate.

“I really like to see people changing their lives; I like to be part of the solution,” says Kirkman, who has four children, including a set of twins.

And so she goes to extraordinary lengths to keep these first-time drug offenders out of lockup, and she does it with a velvet hammer.

Her courtroom is a place where applause breaks out at any piece of good news. Oubre announces she’s pregnant.

Applause.

One man says he’s been drug-free for 10 months.

Applause.

Someone else has come up with productive ways to combat the boredom that would ordinarily have sent him running for a high.

More applause.

But it’s not just the supportive atmosphere of Kirkman’s courtroom that sets it apart from many others. It’s her approach — part concerned

mother, part savvy social worker, part humorist, part cheerleader, part stern but loving teacher — that she uses with each person who steps up for his or her case review.

“Remember: Mistakes are for learning,” she tells one man who messed up and received a “strike.” “What did you learn from your mistake?”

“Don’t hang out with those people no more,” he says with a grin.

“That would be like me hanging out in a bakery,” she responds, drawing a laugh from everyone in the

Deputy state public defender Carrie Lynn Thompson, right, listens as David Jones talks about charges he faces during an appearance in Drug Court

courtroom. “It would be ugly.”

Another man is about to move up into another phase of the program, but Kirkman looks at his charts and notices he has a legal issue to clear up: He was throwing things at cars.

“You’re not going to do that again, are you?” she says. Then she tells him the prosecutor is going to look into having the charge related to the offense dropped, so it won’t affect his status in Drug Court.

“That’s a huge gift,” Kirkman tells him. “Remember: An instant decision can change your whole future.”

Recognizing the individual

The parade of people continues its march in front of Kirkman’s bench, where a sign behind her reads “Justice with Heart.”

She asks about their children, and what character the kids will be for Halloween.

She notices improvements in their physical appearance, and keeps encouraging them, even those who show up in orange jail suits because they’ve failed a drug test or done something else to incur a strike.

She passes along phone numbers of treatment providers, asks family members if they can afford medical expenses, makes a note to follow up on dental care for Bonnie Norris, whose teeth are missing, though not from meth.

Kirkman believes it’s imperative to make sure participants are covered on the basics, including health care.

“Safe housing, food and water — we focus on these three first,” she says.

“Then, when they’re sober, we work on their health. They’re encouraged to see doctors and get their bodies healthy.”

Because many of the people are on the lower end of the economic scale and don’t have health insurance, the Drug Court team works with organizations to address their physical and mental health needs and get them medications.

They work with sobering houses to find people a supportive, drug-free place to live.

They’ve hooked up with an organization that arranges outdoors activities for people trying to stay off drugs and alcohol.

“Just about anything we can think of that will help, we try to plug into,” Kirkman says.

A huge component of the program is the team approach to handling each case.

Kirkman, prosecutor Judy Haller and DA volunteer Leticia Cisneros, therapists Gregory Ortega and Laura Fetters, and probation officers Jennifer Jones and Mike Hernandez meet regularly to discuss each Drug Court participant, what obstacles the person might be facing, and what he or she might need to succeed.

Most team members have been with Drug Court for at least four years, and they operate like a well-oiled machine.

“They have a very strong team that’s cohesive,” says Carrie Thompson, head of the Office of the Colorado State Public Defender office here.

“It’s been enlightening to see how they can work as a team, because that’s a concept that’s not in the regular court system.”

No easy process

Despite the best efforts of the team, about two in 10 people fail the Drug Court program, and they end up with a felony conviction, the result of a plea bargain they entered to get into the program. (Read about long-term studies on drug courts here.)

Team members also know some people will slip up after graduation, although they haven’t extensively tracked anyone long term.

“I think we can all think of a few cases where someone relapsed,” Haller says.

“That’s the reality of addiction,” Kirkman adds.

Still, they hope that the graduates will commit to long-term sobriety, but they know it’s not easy.

People often have to change their circle of friends, their routines, their whole reality. “It’s brutal,” Haller says.

Drug Court Graduate's Pledge. ~By Joe Herzanek (click image for larger view)

But those who stick with it — and even some who are getting their first blush of sobriety through Drug Court — start to see the possibilities of a drug-free life.

“There’s a lot of drama, a lot of turmoil, chasing a bag,” says 45-year-old Gary Daily Jr., who used meth for 30 years before cleaning up nine months ago and is moving into the third phase of the program.

“I feel at peace. I still have my moments of life that are not always joyful, but I deal with it in different ways.”

If he graduates, he’ll get to go up to the podium at the next graduation ceremony, as Deanna Simmons and about a dozen other people did one evening last month, and go through the rites of passage.

He’ll hug Kirkman and, perhaps, some of the team members who are sitting off to the side, applauding his accomplishments.

He might say a few words of encouragement to the crowd, as several of the graduates did.

And Kirkman will give him a parting gift: his booking photo.

____________________________________________

To contact Joe Herzanek for Family Workshops, speaking engagements or one-on-one phone counseling:
Call: 303.775.6493 or Email Changing Lives Foundation: jherzanek@gmail.com

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Drug Addiction Phone Counseling for Families Dealing with Substance Abuse

December 15, 2010 by jherzanek | No comments

They’re BAAaaack! What should you do when he comes home from treatment?

What Now?
When the recovering person comes home from treatment, the real journey is about to begin. They have just been immersed in a crash course—Everything you need to know about addiction and how to live substance free. Coming home is an important event. How successfully will your husband apply his newfound wisdom? Will your friend be able to make a lasting change now that she is back in the real world? Remember, they just left a safe place where they made friends and received daily encouragement—and now they are back, facing many of the harsh realities of life.

Most likely, your loved one will feel a real sense of accomplishment, having successfully completed the program. Having confidence that he can start a new life is a good thing. At the same time, however, he is about to receive his first dose of reality as he is home from treatment. Now all the knowledge he gained about recovery must be practically lived out. He is going to have a myriad of questions: How do I tell old friends about my new life? How are they going to react? How am I going to react if they aren’t supportive of my new lifestyle? Will I have the strength? What will I say? Who should I see and who should I avoid? What do I need to start doing right now to avoid using again? Where will I find a new group to belong to? What if I don’t find a group of people I like? How hard do I have to work to stay away from alcohol or drugs? Do I have what it takes to do this?

Seek Support
All recovering addicts must decide what they need to do to continue their lives in recovery with success and then follow through with action—all by themselves. In light of their own circumstances, only they can take the next step. Obviously many people and groups can be helpful, but it’s the individual that must decide to seek out the support that will make his commitment to change successful. This needs to happen soon. Some form of support will be needed to keep this recovery ball rolling, whether it’s AA, NA, an outpatient group, or counseling. This period of time, when the person has just returned home from treatment, is when all the talk and good intentions need to turn into positive action.

It should not take long to determine the sincerity of the recovering person. Actions speak louder than words, and no one successfully recovers alone. How much and how long the person makes use of outside support will depend on the situation, but everyone will need some form of support as they adjust to life on life’s terms.

What to Do
So as a family member or friend, what do you do? If possible, anticipate this situation by meeting with treatment staff for sound advice before your loved one comes home from treatment. This can be a time to debrief and get answers to some of your questions. Try not to be overly self-conscious about what you do or say to the person returning home. You don’t need to be walking on eggshells. Talking about recovery and encouraging someone is a good thing. By the same token, recovery shouldn’t dominate all discussions. The process is just beginning, and you should give it time. The recovering person is trying to build a new life—one they can call normal. The more they see that life can be normal without using, and that they can deal successfully with everyday situations, the more motivated and encouraged they will be to continue with sober living. It may take time, but it does become easier.

When I returned home from treatment, I was both confident and scared at the same time. I know that sounds like a contradiction, but it’s true. I was having an internal battle: part of me believed that I would do whatever it took to stay away from drugs, but another part of me wasn’t sure about the “do whatever it takes” strategy that we had discussed in treatment. My family knew it wasn’t going to be easy. For the most part, they left me alone. When they saw that I made the effort to go to work and regularly attend my group meetings, the atmosphere gradually grew more relaxed. They saw that I was moving in the right direction and seemed to discern that it was okay to trust me. I’m glad they gave me some space. I guess they knew they didn’t have the answers I needed anyway. Only another recovering person can really understand what it’s like, so my parents and family could not fully put themselves in my situation. Their ability to understand what I was going through was limited, yet I needed their support. This is when I began to spend a lot of time with other recovering people.

Not everyone will be able to go to a residential treatment center; therefore, recovery will look a little different in such cases. It will mean attending a lot of evening and weekend groups. A healthy level of busyness can help ensure sobriety. Work and recovery should be the two main priorities for those in recovery. If your loved one is not working, then that means they should spend more time attending groups. Idle time can be a strong temptation to revert to old habits.

For families in this recovery situation, encouraging the recovering addict to continue with his new life and not give up will take a great deal of patience. Because the user has not been totally removed from his life setting, it may take longer for him to become strong. Remember, you have a limited understanding of addiction and recovery, so attending some Al-Anon or “open” AA meetings would be an excellent idea. This will give you more knowledge about what your loved one might be going through. In addition, these meetings are a way for people in similar situations to connect and give one another support and advice. Attending these meetings is also a huge sign of support from you to your friend or loved one.

In some cases, it would benefit the recovering person to temporarily relocate. If they can live with a relative or friend for a few months, it will give them a chance to concentrate on their recovery without the pressures of dealing with old buddies, bad influences, and triggers that can cause a relapse.

If you have been a positive influence in this person’s life, continue that support. However, you will need to provide a healthy balance of support. Don’t smother them with an unusual amount of concern, as this will make them feel self-conscious. On the other hand, don’t distance yourself, because you may be afraid and unsure how to act around them. Be yourself. Help them to see that life without using can be fun. They may have been afraid of losing all their friends, including you. Be a friend. Good friends who don’t use are what they need.

It won’t take long to figure out how serious your loved one is about their new life. Their attitude will be one indication of how they are adjusting. Admitting complete defeat in the face of addiction is a humbling experience. In my case, life in recovery meant acting differently than I did before: striving to listen to others without overreacting, and learning how to be patient. This again is a process that takes time. Some moodiness should be expected, but if it persists it needs to be addressed, as it could be a sign of too much stress. It could also be a result of the void created by not using, sadness from losing old friends, and abandoning an old lifestyle that defined who they were.

There will be some peaks and valleys in early recovery. Remember: If relapse occurs, don’t be too harsh. Rather, be concerned about the next step they need to take. If your struggling friend gets right back to their recovery program, then stay as optimistic as possible. And when they fall down, help them to get back up and moving in the right direction. Remember, recovery is a process, and your relationship with your friend or loved one can greatly impact their desire to stay on course and make the right choices.

This article excerpted from Part 4/Life in Recovery: Why Don’t They Just Quit? What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery.

Home from Treatment, Home from Treatment, Home from Treatment
_______________________________________________________

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Wise Counsel and Professional Intervention Services for Your Situation.

Providing families in crisis with over 30 years of real-life,
hands-on experience and success.

Your situation may be unique, but it’s not hopeless.
We specialize in those tough, “seemingly impossible” situations.

There IS a solution. Together we can formulate a plan to restore sanity to your life—saving you and your family time, money, stress and unnecessary heartache.

Learn more about personalized consultations
with author/addiction counselor Joe Herzanek.
Specialized to your unique situation.
(in person or by phone)

Call: (303) 775.6493
or
Email: jherzanek@gmail.com

to learn more about this option.
(call now to speak to Joe about our many options)

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At Changing Lives we know that the need for counseling is not run on an 8 to 5,
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We are often available on weekends and even holidays.
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December 7, 2010 by jherzanek | No comments

MARIJUANA: THE FACTS

Q: Does marijuana pose health risks to users?

Marijuana is an addictive drug¹with significant health consequences to its users and others. Many harmful short-term and long-term problems have been documented with its use:
The short term effects of marijuana use includes: memory loss, distorted perception, trouble with thinking and problem solving, loss of motor skills, decrease in muscle strength, increased heart rate, and anxiety².
In recent years there has been a dramatic increase in the number of emergency room mentions of marijuana use. From 1993-2000, the number of emergency room marijuana mentions more than tripled.
There are also many long-term health consequences of marijuana use. According to the National Institutes of Health, studies show that someone who smokes five joints per week may be taking in as many cancer-causing chemicals as someone who smokes a full pack of cigarettes every day.
Marijuana contains more than 400 chemicals, including most of the harmful substances found in tobacco smoke. Smoking one marijuana cigarette deposits about four times more tar into the lungs than a filtered tobacco cigarette.
Harvard University researchers report that the risk of a heart attack is five times higher than usual in the hour after smoking marijuana.³
Smoking marijuana also weakens the immune system⁴ and raises the risk of lung infections.⁵ A Columbia University study found that a control group smoking a single marijuana cigarette every other day for a year had a white-blood-cell count that was 39 percent lower than normal, thus damaging the immune system and making the user far more susceptible to infection and sickness.⁶
Users can become dependent on marijuana to the point they must seek treatment to stop abusing it. In 1999, more than 200,000 Americans entered substance abuse treatment primarily for marijuana abuse and dependence.
More teens are in treatment for marijuana use than for any other drug or for alcohol. Adolescent admissions to substance abuse facilities for marijuana grew from 43 percent of all adolescent admissions in 1994 to 60 percent in 1999.
Marijuana is much stronger now than it was decades ago. According to data from the Potency Monitoring Project at the University of Mississippi, the tetrahydrocannabinol (THC) content of commercial-grade marijuana rose from an average of 3.71 percent in 1985 to an average of 5.57 percent in 1998. The average THC content of U.S. produced sinsemilla increased from 3.2 percent in 1977 to 12.8 percent in 1997.⁷

Q. Does marijuana have any medical value?

Any determination of a drug’s valid medical use must be based on the best available science undertaken by medical professionals. The Institute of Medicine conducted a comprehensive study in 1999 to assess the potential health benefits of marijuana and its constituent cannabinoids. The study concluded that smoking marijuana is not recommended for the treatment of any disease condition. In addition, there are more effective medications currently available. For those reasons, the Institute of Medicine concluded that there is little future in smoked marijuana as a medically approved medication.⁸
Advocates have promoted the use of marijuana to treat medical conditions such as glaucoma. However, this is a good example of more effective medicines already available. According to the Institute of Medicine, there are six classes of drugs and multiple surgical techniques that are available to treat glaucoma that effectively slow the progression of this disease by reducing high intraocular pressure.
In other studies, smoked marijuana has been shown to cause a variety of health problems, including cancer, respiratory problems, increased heart rate, loss of motor skills, and increased heart rate. Furthermore, marijuana can affect the immune system by impairing the ability of T-cells to fight off infections, demonstrating that marijuana can do more harm than good in people with already compromised immune systems.⁹
In addition, in a recent study by the Mayo Clinic, THC was shown to be less effective than standard treatments in helping cancer patients regain lost appetites.¹⁰
The DEA supports research into the safety and efficacy of THC (the major psychoactive component of marijuana), and such studies are ongoing, supported by grants from the National Institute on Drug Abuse.
As a result of such research, a synthetic THC drug, Marinol, has been available to the public since 1985. The Food and Drug Administration has determined that Marinol is safe, effective, and has therapeutic benefits for use as a treatment for nausea and vomiting associated with cancer chemotherapy, and as a treatment of weight loss in patients with AIDS. However, it does not produce the harmful health effects associated with smoking marijuana.
Furthermore, the DEA recently approved the University of California San Diego to undertake rigorous scientific studies to assess the safety and efficacy of cannabis compounds for treating certain debilitating medical conditions.
It’s also important to realize that the campaign to allow marijuana to be used as medicine is a tactical maneuver in an overall strategy to completely legalize all drugs. Pro-legalization groups have transformed the debate from decriminalizing drug use to one of compassion and care for people with serious diseases. The New York Times interviewed Ethan Nadelman, Director of the Lindesmith Center, in January 2000. Responding to criticism from former Drug Czar Barry McCaffrey that the medical marijuana issue is a stalking-horse for drug legalization, Mr. Nadelman did not contradict General McCaffrey. “Will it help lead toward marijuana legaization?” Mr. Nadelman said: “I hope so.”

Q. Does marijuana harm anyone besides the individual who smokes it?

Consider the public safety of others when confronted with intoxicated drug users:
Marijuana affects many skills required for safe driving: alertness, the ability to concentrate, coordination, and reaction time. These effects can last up to 24 hours after smoking marijuana. Marijuana use can make it difficult to judge distances and react to signals and signs on the road.¹¹
In a 1990 report, the National Transportation Safety Board studied 182 fatal truck accidents. It found that just as many of the accidents were caused by drivers using marijuana as were caused by alcohol — 12.5 percent in each case.
Consider also that drug use, including marijuana, contributes to crime. A large percentage of those arrested for crimes test positive for marijuana. Nationwide, 40 percent of adult males tested positive for marijuana at the time of their arrest.

Q. Is marijuana a gateway drug?

Yes. Among marijuana’s most harmful consequences is its role in leading to the use of other illegal drugs like heroin and cocaine. Long-term studies of students who use drugs show that very few young people use other illegal drugs without first trying marijuana. While not all people who use marijuana go on to use other drugs, using marijuana sometimes lowers inhibitions about drug use and exposes users to a culture that encourages use of other drugs.
The risk of using cocaine has been estimated to be more than 104 times greater for those who have tried marijuana than for those who have never tried it.¹²

In Summary:

Marijuana is a dangerous, addictive drug that poses significant health threats to users.
Marijuana has no medical value that can’t be met more effectively by legal drugs.
Marijuana users are far more likely to use other drugs like cocaine and heroin than non-marijuana users.
Drug legalizers use “medical marijuana” as red herring in effort to advocate broader legalization of drug use.¹Herbert Kleber, Mitchell Rosenthal, “Drug Myths from Abroad: Leniency is Dangerous, not Compassionate” Foreign Affairs Magazine, September/October 1998. Drug Watch International “NIDA Director cites Studies that Marijuana is Addictive.” “Research Finds Marijuana is Addictive,” Washington Times, July 24, 1995.
²National Institue of Drug Abuse, Journal of the American Medical Association, Journal of Clinical Phamacology, International Journal of Clinical Pharmacology and Therapeutics, Pharmacology Review.
³“Marijuana and Heart Attacks” Washington Post, March 3, 2000
⁴I. B. Adams and BR Martin, “Cannabis: Pharmacology and Toxicology in Animals and Humans” Addiction 91: 1585-1614. 1996.
⁵National Institute of Drug Abuse, “Smoking Any Substance Raises Risk of Lung Infections” NIDA Notes, Volume 12, Number 1, January/February 1997.
⁶Dr. James Dobson, “Marijuana Can Cause Great Harm” Washington Times, February 23, 1999.
⁷2000 National Drug Control Strategy Annual Report, page 13.
⁸“Marijuana and Medicine: Assessing the Science Base,” Institute of Medicine, 1999.
⁹See footnotes in response to question 4 regarding marijuana’s short and long term health effects.
¹⁰“Marijuana Appetite Boost Lacking in Cancer Study” The New York Times, May 13, 2001.
¹¹Marijuana: Facts Parents Need to Know, National Institute on Drug Abuse, National Institutes of Health.
¹²Marijuana: Facts Parents Need to Know, National Institute on Drug Abuse, National Institutes of Health.

Reprinted from http://www.justice.gov

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November 16, 2010 by jherzanek | 6 comments

Healthy Characteristics for Women in Recovery From Loving Too Much

November 9, 2010 in Al-Anon Related. . ., Detachment, Other topics of interest, Recovery Books by jherzanek | No comments

At Changing Lives we find that most of our clients are women who seem to deal with some common challenges. During the next few weeks we will be posting helpful tools for all who face these situations. Hope this one is helpful.

1. We accept ourselves fully, even while wanting to change parts of ourselves. There is a basic self-love and self-regard, which we carefully nurture and purposely expand.

2. We accept others as they are, without trying to change them to meet our needs.

3. We are in touch with our feelings and attitudes about every aspect of our lives, including our sexuality.

4. We cherish every aspect of ourselves: our personality, our appearance, our beliefs and values, our bodies, our interests and accomplishments. We validate ourselves rather than search for a relationship to give us a sense of self-worth.

5. Our self-esteem is great enough that we can enjoy being with others, especially those of the opposite sex, who are fine just as they are. We do not need to be needed to feel worthy.

6. We allow ourselves to be open and trusting with appropriate people. We are not afraid to be known at a deeply personal level, but we also do not expose ourselves to the exploitation of those who are not interested in our well-being.

7. We ask ourselves “Is this relationship good for me? Does it enable me to grow into all that I am capable of being?”

8. When a relationship is destructive, we are able to let go of it without experiencing disabling depression. We have a circle of supportive friends and healthy interests to see us through crises.

9. We value our own serenity above all else. All the struggles, drama and chaos of the past have lost their appeal. We are protective of ourselves, our health and well-being.

10. We know that a partnership, in order to work, must be between partners who share similar values, interests and goals, and who each have a capacity for intimacy. We also know that we are worthy of the best that life has to offer.

There are several phases in recovering from loving too much. The first phase begins when we realize what we are doing and wish we could stop. Next comes our willingness to get help for ourselves, followed by our actual initial attempt to secure help. After that, we enter the phase of recovery that requires our commitment to our own healing and our willingness to continue with our recovery program. During this period, we begin to change how we act, think, and feel. What once felt normal and familiar begins to feel uncomfortable and unhealthy. We enter the next phase of recovery when we start making choices that no longer follow our old patterns but enhance our lives and promote our well-being instead. Throughout the stages of recovery, self-love grows slowly and steadily. First we stop hating ourselves, then we become more tolerant of ourselves. Next, there is a burgeoning appreciation of our good qualities, and then self-acceptance develops. Finally, genuine self-love evolves.

Unless we have self-acceptance and self-love, we cannot tolerate being known, because without these feelings, we cannot believe we are worth loving just as we are. Instead, we try to earn love through giving it to another, through being nurturing and patient, through suffering and sacrifice, through providing exciting sex or wonderful cooking or whatever.

Once the self-acceptance and self-love begin to develop and take hold, we are then ready to consciously practice simply being ourselves without trying to please, without performing in certain ways calculated to gain another’s approval and love. But stopping the performances and letting go of the act, while a relief, can also be frightening. Awkwardness and a feeling of great vulnerability come over us when we are just being rather than doing. As we struggle to believe that we are worthy, just as we are, of the love of someone important to us, the temptation will always be there to put on at least a bit of an act for him, and yet if the recovery process has progressed there will also be an unwillingness to go back into old behaviors and old manipulations.

From “Women Who Love Too Much” pages 272-274.

Also read Joe Herzanek’s article “Detachment. How can I?”

_________________________________________________________

Tried everything?
Wise Counsel for Your Situation.

Providing families in need with over 30 years of real-life,
hands-on experience and success.Your situation may be unique, but it’s not hopeless.
We specialize in those tough, “seemingly impossible” situations.

There IS a solution. Let me say that again—There IS a solution! Together we can formulate a plan to restore sanity to your life—saving you and your family time, money, stress and unnecessary heartache.

Learn more about Phone Consultations
with author/addiction counselor Chaplain Joe Herzanek.
Specialized to your unique situation.

Call: (303) 775.6493
or
Email: jherzanek@gmail.com

to learn more about this option.
Note:
At Changing Lives we know that the need for counseling is not run on an 8 to 5,
Monday through Friday schedule.

We are often available on weekends and even holidays.
Please don’t hesitate to call as the need arises.

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Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism 2011

November 1, 2010 in Al-Anon Related. . ., In the News by jherzanek | No comments

Alanon Faces Alcoholism 2011

Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism 2011

Changing Lives strongly encourages finding a good 12-step group and attending regularly. This brand new Al-Anon publication can answer many of your basic questions.

To Download your copy of Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism 2011

Contents:
• How drinking affects family members
With so much effort and attention focused on the drinker, family members often
ignore—or deny—what effect the drinking has on them.
• Why the drinker’s family members need Al‑Anon
Al‑Anon members and professionals explain how family members can benefit from
the understanding and support of an Al‑Anon group.
• Alcoholism is a family illness
Problem drinking is a complex issue that involves much more than just
the drinker’s behavior.

• The Al‑Anon meeting is a safe, supportive environment
Al‑Anon Family Group meetings create opportunities for healing and growth.
• The Al‑Anon program offers ‘tools’ that help people manage their lives better
Al‑Anon members share choices they have made that enable them to respond more effectively to the challenges of problem drinking.
• Therapy and Al‑Anon complement each other
Professionals recommend Al‑Anon because it offers additional support.
• Al‑Anon is a spiritual program, not religious
Everyone is welcome, regardless of religious affiliation or none.
• Al‑Anon can still help, even if active alcoholism is no longer in your life
Sometimes when the drinker is gone, the effects of the drinking remain—until they are understood.

VISIT THIS SITE TO LOCATE A MEETING IN YOUR AREA

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and just don’t know what your next steps should be,
Low-cost, affordable phonecounseling for family members with Joe Herzanek is just a phone call away.

CLICK HERE FOR DETAILS

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Parents of Prodigals: Holding Tight When Your Teen Rebels

by Joe White

As this article states:
Each situation needs to be assessed individually.
Learn about phone counseling from
Author/Addiction Counselor Chaplain Joe Herzanek

The worst nightmare of many parents is to have a rebel — a kid who makes her own destructive way through life, ignoring everything she’s been taught, refusing to abide by any rules, causing chaos in the lives she touches. The fear is so great that some parents stress over everything their teens do, taking even normal behavior as a sure sign that their kids are headed for the edge of the cliff.

Other parents of prodigals do the opposite. They ignore obvious warning signs, hoping it’s a phase their kids will grow out of. I’ve talked with moms and dads who couldn’t believe the alarms they missed — a pot-smoking son coming home glassy-eyed and wanting to devour every snack in the house, an alcoholic daughter returning on weekend nights and vomiting on the front lawn.

One couple discovered their son had helped a friend break into a truck. Later they would say, “We didn’t think our son was capable of anything like that. Now we’re finding out, OK, he’s done some serious drugs, he’s been involved in a crime, he’s hanging with a kid we hate. That night started us on the process of determining what we should do with him because it was apparent we had a problem here that was bigger than we were.”

No parent wants to live through something like this. But more and more are being forced to these days. They’re finding that no matter what they did to raise their children right, it’s possible that one or more will rebel.

Parents of Prodigals—Don’t give up

This is a tough section to write. Tough because there’s no easy answer to your situation. Each kid is different and will take his own detours.

That’s why each situation needs to be assessed individually. Consulting a pastor or counselor is wise; sometimes more drastic measures need to be taken. When a teen is a threat to himself or others, for example, a place where well-trained professionals can monitor him 24 hours a day may be the best call. There are many good counselors and programs available.

The temptation is to walk away, to throw up your hands and surrender. You wouldn’t be alone if you did. Many parents want to give up — and do. Unable to take the pain any longer, they protect themselves by pretending it doesn’t matter. Their child screams, “Leave me alone!” and so they just do what he says, removing themselves emotionally from his life.

What these folks don’t realize is that even though the teen’s every action and word are designed to push the parents away, deep inside he longs for his mom and dad to hang tough, to keep trying — to be there for him no matter what.

Insights from Parents of Prodigals

It’s one thing for me to tell you what I’ve learned. What about parents who’ve watched their kids make bad choices, who’ve been dragged down the most dangerous detours, who’ve agonized and cried and prayed — yet somehow survived?

I’ve talked with moms and dads like these and want to share their insights with you. It’s surprising how many of them report learning similar things about what it takes to make it through. Here are some of their hard-won lessons. (For more on this subject, see the book Sticking With Your Teen.)

You can’t control your teen’s choices. Once your daughter leaves the house, there’s no telling what she’s doing. She can listen or not listen in class. She can throw out the good lunch you made and eat grease-laden fries covered with nacho cheese and suck down a 64-ounce Coke. She can take drugs, cheat on tests, drive drunk — or study hard and land in the top 10 percent of her class. She can be class president or class clown. And there’s nothing you can do about it.
Learn the art of relinquishment.This means letting go. It may mean releasing your dream for who your child would be, giving up control over your teen, leaving the results to God.
Get help for yourself and your family.If you broke your arm, you’d rush to the emergency room for help. So why are so many moms and dads ashamed to get help when a family is broken?Some folks prefer pastoral counseling; others opt for a therapist. Just take that initial step and get help.
If necessary, get your troubled teen out of the house to protect the rest of the family. When a teen becomes violent or brings home illegal activities like drug dealing, it’s time to act on behalf of your family’s safety.Forcing your teen to live elsewhere is no easy decision, and it should be made with the concurring wisdom of a professional. But if your teen is unmanageable, don’t hesitate to find a residential facility where he has a chance to turn his life around. At the very least, it’s a place for him to be relatively safe until he’s 18 and can sign himself out to live where he wishes.For help in locating a program or residential facility that might suit your situation, call Focus on the Family’s Counseling department at 800-A-FAMILY (232-6459).
Don’t be afraid to let others know what you’re dealing with. One parent admitted, “We didn’t want the whole world knowing [about our rebellious teen] because my husband was an elder in the church.”You don’t need to share details with gossipmongers, but be real. Many parents have been surprised at how their transparency proved helpful to families in similar situations. Pain shared is lessened; shared joy is increased.
Allow yourself some enjoyment. Many couples who have rebellious teens put themselves in suspended animation, grimly hanging on “until this thing is resolved.” Some feel guilty about having fun when they should be “doing something” about the problem; others are too vigilant, tense, worried or embarrassed to enjoy anything. But you can’t keep going without recharging.Don’t neglect the physical side of your relationship with your spouse. Take a weekend off. Set a regular date night, and don’t talk about the kids during that time. Relax in a bubble bath. Rent a funny movie, and watch it together.
Hold on to your core values. Don’t let the continuing crisis wear you down. Did you believe before that God knew you, right down to the number of hairs on your head? He still does. Have you always felt it was important to give your child a present on her birthday? It still is. Did you think you needed to use your gift of encouragement in the children’s ministry at church? You still do.
Try writing in a journal.Recording your thoughts, feelings and prayers can help you sort through the turmoil and discover what’s important. You can use a notebook, a blank book or a computer. You could even e-mail your entries to a trusted friend.

Be relentless.Never give up. Move forward no matter what. Don’t stop the good stuff. Try new things when old things aren’t working. Stick with the things you know are right. Love unconditionally. Stay put as a parent when you’d rather run.Karilee and Dan Hayden know the meaning of the word relentless. For over 10 years their daughter Wendi took a long and winding detour, making the most destructive choices along the way. But they hung in there — praying for her, loving her, never giving up. Wendi, like the prodigal son in Jesus’ parable, finally came around. (You can read the Hayden’s complete story in the Focus on the Family book Wild Child, Waiting Mom.)
Be tough and tender. You need a thick skin and a sensitive heart. That’s especially true when it comes to dealing with the comments of others. Even well-meaning people can be hurtful. Don’t let their barbs penetrate, but be tender enough to hear the supportive words others may offer.

Related:
Drug Addiction Blog

Tried everything?

Need help now?

Phone Counseling and Intervention Services with Author/Addiction Counselor and Interventionist Joe Herzanek

Providing families in crisit with over 30 years of real-life,
hands-on experience and success.Your situation may be unique, but it’s not hopeless.
We specialize in those tough, “seemingly impossible” situations.

Learn more about phone consultations with author/addiction counselor Chaplain Joe Herzanek.
Specialized to your unique situation.
(your first call is free)

Call: (303) 775.6493
or
Email: jherzanek@gmail.com

to learn more about this option.
(call now to speak to Joe about our many options)

Note:
At Changing Lives we know that the need for help is not run on an 8 to 5,
Monday through Friday schedule.

We are often available on weekends and even holidays.
Please don’t hesitate to call as the need arises.

SELF TESTS:
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October 17, 2010 by jherzanek | No comments

“The Gettysburg Address of how to help with substance abuse”

October 8, 2010 in Feedback from You by jherzanek | No comments

From time to time we like to share some of the response we receive in the mail. This recent letter (with some personal info deleted) sent to us from Larry N (Venice, CA) was a “colorful” and much appreciated addition to our day!

Dear Mr. Herzanek,
I just finished reading your amazing book “Why Don’t They Just Quit?” I have a son that is abusing alcohol, pot and perhaps other substances. . .
. . . This has been a frustrating journey, but your book gives me guidance regarding my behavior toward him, and regarding what I can and can’t do to change his behavior. Hopefully, his path toward recovery will begin today when he gets up.

One more thing—I don’t think that I have read a more effectively-written book. Your straightforward approach, with no frills and fluff, make every sentence informative. This is the Gettysburg Address of how to help with substance abuse. I will be ordering more copies to pass around. Best wishes with your continued work in this field.

Sincerely,

Larry N.
Venice, California

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Tags: AA, addict, addicted spouse, addicted teen, addiction, Al-Anon, alanon, alanon meeting, Alateen, alcoholic, alonon, changing lives foundation, Christian recovery, Family recovery, Herzanek, how to help an alcoholic, Joe Herzanek, just quit, quit drugs, recovery, siblings of alcoholics, Why Don't they Just Quit

We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol
and that our lives had become unmanageable.
—Step One, AA 12-Steps

After many years in recovery,
I know that I must not forget
this one principle–I will
always be an addict.
–Joe Herzanek

Whether you are a fan of twelve-step programs or not, the first step an attendee will hear offers a great deal of wisdom. The alcoholic/addict should never venture into the world without remembering the important bit of knowledge that Step One provides: Chemically dependent people will not ever be able to gain control over their substance use. Millions of addicted people have tried, and many have even died trying. Not one person has ever successfully returned to social use.

Admitting Powerlessness
After many years in recovery, I know that I must not forget this one principle–I will always be an addict. Confusion on this matter can lead to disastrous results. My substance use took me places I didn’t want to go, cost me more than I wanted to pay and kept me longer than I wanted to stay. My addiction is now in remission. Just the same, it is alive and well–ready to inflict a lot of pain on me. To forget this would be my greatest mistake.

I have a friend who owns a treatment center in the Colorado Rocky Mountains called Jaywalker Lodge. He accepts only men who are highly motivated to change. The program is a four-month-minimum-stay facility, cash only, no insurance. The entire focus is on Step One. It’s for men who have made several attempts to quit, only to find themselves stumbling again and again. Frustrated and broken, they arrive at the treatment center willing to do whatever it takes to regain their sobriety. This facility teaches men that the key to recovery starts with a true admission of powerlessness.

Once a recovering addict is convinced of their inability to ever control their using, they will no longer attempt to do so if they want to maintain their recovery. Incorporating Step One into a person’s life requires a daily ongoing shift in thinking–sometimes referred to as “one day at a time.” Lifelong recovery obviously involves much more than this one crucial admission. Recovery and rebuilding what was lost takes substantial time and effort. But it will all be in vain if this one fundamental principle is forgotten.

A Humbling Realization
Once the power or ability to control how much a person can use is lost, it is lost forever. Any attempt to regain control is futile. This applies to the user who is brand new to recovery as well as to someone with over two decades of abstinence. No one is tougher than addiction, and it’s one wound that time cannot heal. You, as a person close to the situation, should understand this fundamental step as a foundational principle.

It’s a humbling realization.

This article is excerpted from the book “Why Don’t They Just Quit?“
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September 15, 2010 by jherzanek | No comments

Detachment. How Can I?
by Joe Herzanek

When life becomes one crisis after another, when emotional pain and endless drama become “the norm” what am I supposed to do? Over the past few decades I’ve received this question a lot. Recently it has become the #1 question. Why is that? What do I suggest to families who have arrived at this place? How about this: My suggestion is to do NOTHING! Stop “doing.” Quit “doing.” No longer “DO” anything.

Let’s talk about letting go and what that looks like (sometimes referred to as detachment). So there—I’ve said it; The “D” word, The Ultimatum, The Nuclear Option.

When to use it
Let’s start with “when to use it.” Detachment is usually the last resort—although it doesn’t have to be. This is most effective in the life of an “adult” loved-one who has demonstrated that they no longer have any ability to control or stop substance use on their own.

This person has a boatload of extremely negative consequences piling up all around them, but they continue to drink and/or drug. Often this pattern has gone on for years and gets progressively worse. Perhaps there were a few “okay” periods of time, but they didn’t last.

Sooner or later everyone sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson

This person may or may not have a job (approximately 77% of all substance dependent men and women get up and go to work most days). They may function well enough on the job to be able to keep it. Many will even point to this fact as proof that they are not addicted. In reality most perform poorly on the job, miss work, and generally have a negative attitude about almost everything. This in turn, leads to “pour me another drink.”

Others move from job to job and eventually become unemployable. Some will tend to isolate and spend most or all of their time with their first love, AOD (alcohol and other drugs).

Family life, parenting, being the father, mother, spouse or sibling they once were is no longer a priority. In fact, it’s probably not on the radar screen at all. Borrowing money, promising to quit, burning bridges, causing heartache to anyone who comes close to them is the “new norm.” When small children become part of this picture it gets more ugly. This is not sad; this is pathetic. If not now—when? When do the family members say, “We’ve had enough?”

This, dear reader, is the time to detach. This is the time to “do nothing.”

I also like to remind people of “The Three C’s of Al-Anon” which are: “you didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it, and you can’t control it.” What you can do is help the person to “want to” quit. If the “want to” is there, anyone can have recovery.

What does detachment look like? How do I do it?
Before I explain how it works, I need to add one caveat. I was recently in San Antonio conducting a workshop for The Palmer Drug Abuse Program (PDAP). The Program Director of this wonderful facility, a woman named Trish, reminded me of something important I sometimes tend to overlook. She said the family needs to be totally prepared for this step (intellectually and emotionally) and that for this to be effective, all family members need to be “on board.” Having emotional support and guidance regarding the necessity for such action, what to expect and being prepared is critical to the success of this step. This is not going to be a “walk in the park” and having good support is crucial.

So, how does one begin to do this? My first suggestion is to get a pen and paper and write out a plan (there is much more about this in my “Ten Toughest Questions” DVD and the link provided at the end of this article**).

Everyone’s situation will be unique, and obviously I can’t tackle each one here. Having said that, I suggest, at a minimum, that you jot down some bullet points you want to cover when you share your concerns with your loved-one. Even writing out what you want to say, word for word, is perfectly fine. Anticipate what the person will say or object to beforehand. Keep in mind that detachment is rarely forever. In fact, when you confront the person you have decided to detach from, put a timeframe on it (let them know how long it’ll be till you are willing to regain communication). Once you have reached this point, you need to remember that it’s too late for another broken promise or a few days of abstinence to mean anything.

So, here we go. You’ve prepared—both mentally, and you have a plan on paper–and you are ready to have a firm, but loving discussion with this person. A time to confront/talk with the person has been set and agreed to. You’ve asked this person to let you share your concerns and you simply read what you want to say or speak to them based on your written bullet points.

My suggestion is to determine a minimum period of total abstinence you are requiring from your addict or alcoholic—before you are willing talk to or see them again (thirty or sixty days should be the minimum). Begin by emphasizing to them that you love them very much and that it breaks your heart to see them continue with their substance abuse. Let them know that you (and all family members involved) have made this decision. You can list possible living options for them on their copy of your letter. Tell he or she–that they must decide which relationship is the most important—the one they currently have with their alcohol or drug use, or their own family. You must make it crystal clear that they have to choose–because they can’t have both.

There is so much more I could write on this topic—especially when I think of all the different scenarios possible. Please do your homework before attempting this, seek wise counsel*, read all you can and get a second opinion.

When it’s all “said and done” this tough love approach often works when nothing else will. Addiction, left alone will only get worse over time. What I remind people about in my book and in counseling is that “recovery is a process—not en event.”

This is why I sometimes suggest that you “do nothing.” The phrase “let go and let God” applies to the family members and friends–as well as the person seeking recovery. Detachment is one of the most difficult things that a person (especially a mom) may ever need to do.

Stay strong, seek support and know with confidence that no matter what happens—you have “done” everything you know to do.

* Have you “tried everything?” To learn about individual counseling with Joe Herzanek (in person or by phone) click here.

** Detachment–Letting Go of Someone Else’s Problem

RESOURCES:

Addiction Recovery Resources for Families of Substance Abusers, Addicts and Alcoholics

Why Don’t They Just Quit? What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery.

> Paperback

> Audio Book CD, MP3 (NEW!)

> Kindle

> Audible Audio Download (LISTEN TO 4 MIN. SAMPLE)

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September 7, 2010 by jherzanek | 27 comments

Joe and Judy Herzanek

Your Local Mission Dollars at Work
Joe Herzanek founder of Changing Lives Foundation

by Russ Teets

Editor’s note: This is the fourth in a series of articles describing the people and agencies in and around Boulder that First Pres supports through Local Missions.

First Pres’ relationship with Joe Herzanek started in 1999 when Local Missions began supporting him as the Chaplain at the Boulder County Jail. In that role, Joe leads Bible studies, Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Narcotics Anonymous (NA) meetings in the jail, provides Bibles, conducts one-on-one Christian Studies and substance abuse counseling—along with coordinating all religious volunteer activities.

In his role as Addictions Counselor at the jail, Joe spends time counseling inmates and advising their family members and others in the community on effective ways to negotiate the often complex “world of addiction and recovery.” Approximately 90% of all inmates have an alcohol or drug problem. He often gets calls from family members asking for advice on what they can do to help the person quit.

Why Don't They Just Quit? Combo pack book & DVD

Joe’s personal struggles earlier in life were preparation for working with offenders who also have addiction problems. From age 13 to 29, Joe battled his own drug and alcohol problem—finally receiving treatment. He now has over 30 years of abstinence from substances. Joe has a real passion for helping people caught up in substance abuse and also their family and friends. He is the founder of Changing Lives Foundation and author of the book Why Don’t They Just Quit? What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery which won the Best Self-Help Book award in 2008.

Changing Lives Foundation is committed to bringing to the public clear and concise information on substance abuse, drug addiction, alcoholism and compulsive behaviors. Perhaps more importantly, they focus on how individuals and families recover from these problems. Although it is very challenging, many people recover and make dramatic changes in their lives.

In addition to the book Why Don’t They Just Quit? Joe has a number of other resources to help families:
• a DVD titled The 10 Toughest Questions, which seem to come up again and again during the counseling he does. These include such topics as: “How can I tell if a person is addicted or just a heavy user? How do I confront this person? How do I handle adolescent use and abuse? How do I show my love without enabling? How do I get my life back?”
•   a wealth of resources on the website www.ChangingLivesFoundation.org
•   seminars for the public, like the one he held at First Pres last April.
•   radio shows
•   family counseling.
Joe specializes in “crisis counseling” for those situations that seem hopeless or impossible. He’s especially gifted at helping families find their way “out” and partnering with them to formulate a plan. This counseling can be in person or by phone.

Joe is a quiet, calm man with a deep faith in Jesus Christ—important attributes for dealing with crisis situations. According to Keith Vandergrift, Missions Pastor at First Pres: “Joe strikes a fine balance—demonstrating religious values in his approach to recovery, but avoiding a preachy or pushy posture. He makes it clear he is a Christian, but speaks in a way that is comfortable to anyone who wants to learn more about how to help others in their struggle. That’s not an easy thing to do and Joe pulls it off as well as anyone I’ve seen.”

Joe’s wife Judy works behind the scenes. As the Director of Creative Development and Marketing for Changing Lives Foundation she manages all communications, graphic design, marketing, customer service, order fulfillment and creative implementation of content for printed and online resources, publicity and presentations.

Lewis & Clark

Joe and Judy have three children—and are fairly new “empty-nesters.” They enjoy living in Colorado, playing with their two Cairn Terriers Lewis and Clark (yes, just like Toto), camping, and most of all—hiking above treeline in the beautiful Rocky Mountains.

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CLICK HERE to view a wonderful video of all the missions First Pres supports.

September 5, 2010 by jherzanek | No comments

“Handling the Crisis” San Antonio Workshop

September 4, 2010 in Events, In the News by jherzanek | 2 comments

Changing Lives would like to extend a big “Thanks” to the wonderful people of San Antonio and especially for the support and hospitality of those who sponsored this event: Palmer Drug Abuse Program (PDAP), San Antonio Fighting Back and the Baptist Health Foundation of San Antonio.

Role-playing with Joe Herzanek

The two-hour workshop was very well attended (standing room only, with over 140 attendees). Joe and a volunteer did some role playing, there was plenty of good food, interaction, laughter and applause . . . and we had an emotional ending (see below).

For details on sponsoring a workshop at your
church or organization
email us at: jherzanek@gmail.com
or
call Joe at (303)775.6493

* Have you “tried everything?” To learn about individual counseling with Joe Herzanek (in person or by phone) click here.

Tags: AA, addict, addiction, addiction help, addiction recovery, addictions help, addicts help, Al-Anon, Al-Anon San Antonio, alanon, alanon group, alanon help, alanon steps, alcohol addiction help, alcohol help, allanon, Baptist Health Foundation of San Antonio, changing lives foundation, drug help, drug use help, help an addict, help for addiction, help for family of addicts, how to beat addiction, how to help a drug addict, Joe Herzanek, just quit, Palmer Drug Abuse Program, PDAP, recovery, SAFB, San Antonio Fighting Back, Why Don't they Just Quit, whydonttheyjustquit

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just quit

This story below was sent to us at Changing Lives. We share this candid and powerful account of one woman’s struggle and ultimate healing (with the author’s permission) with hope that it will provide inspiration to others who may be experiencing some of the same struggles. You are not alone.

I Was the Wife of an Alcoholic.

Rock Bottom, Raising the Bottom or Tough Love?

The Importance of Empathy

Consequences delivered with empathy create responsibility. Consequences delivered without empathy create resentment.

Detachment in the Real World and The Monastery

Wise Counsel and Professional Intervention Services for Your Situation.

MARIJUANA: THE FACTS

Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism 2011

Parents of Prodigals: Holding Tight When Your Teen Rebels

Parents of Prodigals—Don’t give up

Insights from Parents of Prodigals

Tried everything?

Need help now?

We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable. —Step One, AA 12-Steps

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Rock Bottom, Raising the Bottom
or Tough Love?

Consequences delivered with empathy
create responsibility.
Consequences delivered without empathy
create resentment.

We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol
and that our lives had become unmanageable.
—Step One, AA 12-Steps