Ask Joe
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ASK JOE:
Does heavy use of alcohol and drugs create addiction?
Q: Does heavy use of alcohol and drugs create addiction?
A: Sometimes.
People who use alcohol and drugs in large quantities over time may become addicted to them. But this is not always the case. Only a percentage of users will become dependent. For many people, this period of heavy usage can be just a phase.
Social and recreational alcohol and drug use lead some people to abusive use. During this period, there may be consequences, such as a DUI, and for many, these consequences will be enough to inspire them to quit or control their use. It is common to see college students, for example, drinking and using drugs while in school, but most will later become social drinkers capable of moderating their use.
For others, even multiple consequences will not have the same effect, and they will continue to use until they are drug-dependent or addicted. No matter what the case, abusive use needs to be considered a warning sign. Family intervention should be discussed and possibly pursued, earlier rather than later.
SEE BELOW FOR MORE “ASK JOE”
This “Q & A with Joe Herzanek” is excerpted from
Part 5 of “Why Don’t They Just Quit? What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery.”
> Paperback
> Audio Book CD, MP3 (NEW!)
> Kindle
> Audible Audio Download (LISTEN TO 4 MIN. SAMPLE)
RESOURCES:
Addiction Recovery Resources for Families of Substance Abusers, Addicts and Alcoholics
MORE ASK JOE:
> Do you have to stop seeing all your old friends in order to recover?
> Is a relapse—failure?
> What is a Pink Cloud? What does the term “pink cloud” mean?
> If someone can stop using drugs or alcohol for weeks at a time, they “aren’t an addict—correct?
>Chronic Pain Management & Pain Pill Addiction: What to do?
>How can I know if my addicted friend or loved one is telling the truth?
>”I need help because I’m not able to deal with my live-in Fiance’s need to get drunk every night.”
>Should my husband “back off?”
>Gambling vs. Drug Addiction? What is your opinion?
>How can I tell if someone is an addict/alcoholic or just a heavy user?
>What is Methadone? What is Harm Reduction?
RELATED:
> Self-Tests: Alcohol and Drug Addiction
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Tags: addiction books, addiction help, addiction information, Addiction Myths, addiction questions, alcohol addiction help, alcohol help, Ask Joe, Chaplain Joe Herzanek, help for family of addicts, Joe Herzanek
ASK JOE:
Can a person just cut down on their drinking?:
Q: Can a person just cut down on their drinking?
A. Yes, a person can just cut down.
But not if the person is an alcoholic or drug addict. When we are talking about cutting down, the implication is that the person has the ability to control how much he uses without going overboard or having problems.
Lack of control is perhaps the biggest sign of addiction. For the dependent person, alcohol or drugs now have control. At this point, it is often the person’s stubborn pride that keeps them from seeing the problem.
Whether you are asking this question of yourself or if you are thinking of someone close to you, it is a red flag—a warning sign.
Social drinkers rarely, if ever, need to think about being able to control how much they drink.
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cut down drinking cut down drinking cut down drinking
This “Q & A with Joe Herzanek” is excerpted from
Part 5 of “Why Don’t They Just Quit? What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery.”
> Paperback
> Audio Book CD, MP3 (NEW!)
> Kindle
> Audible Audio Download (LISTEN TO 4 MIN. SAMPLE)
RELATED:
Relapse. It Happens. ~by Joe Herzanek
RESOURCES:
Addiction Recovery Resources for Families of Substance Abusers, Addicts and Alcoholics
NEED HELP NOW?
Phone Counseling for Families Dealing with Substance Abuse
MORE ASK JOE:
> Do you have to stop seeing all your old friends in order to recover?
> Is a relapse—failure?
> What is a Pink Cloud? What does the term “pink cloud” mean?
> If someone can stop using drugs or alcohol for weeks at a time, they “aren’t an addict—correct?
>Chronic Pain Management & Pain Pill Addiction: What to do?
>How can I know if my addicted friend or loved one is telling the truth?
>”I need help because I’m not able to deal with my live-in Fiance’s need to get drunk every night.”
>Should my husband “back off?”
>Gambling vs. Drug Addiction? What is your opinion?
>How can I tell if someone is an addict/alcoholic or just a heavy user?
>What is Methadone? What is Harm Reduction?
RELATED:
> Self-Tests: Alcohol and Drug Addiction
Sign up for our Free Changing Lives E-Newsletter!
RETURN:
From “Can a person just cut down on their drinking?” to Changing Lives Foundation Blog Home
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Tags: AA, addicted spouse, addicted teen, addiction books, addictions help, Al-Anon, alanon, alcohol help, alcoholic help, Ask Joe, help for alcoholics, help for family of addicts, help for wives of alcoholics, Joe Herzanek, just cut down, Why Don't they Just Quit
ASK JOE:
What is a Pink Cloud?:
Q: What is a Pink Cloud? What does the term “pink cloud” mean?
“I fell off my pink cloud with a thud.”
~Elizabeth Taylor
A. Being “on a Pink Cloud” means to feel almost like being high, but without using drugs or alcohol.
The first few days or weeks in recovery are normally a time of adjustment for the addict’s body and mind. Early recovery can be a roller coaster of emotions—often frustrating and stressful. After this will come a leveling-out period in which many people will have an almost euphoric feeling, sometimes referred to as a “pink cloud.”
This ah-ha experience can last for days or even weeks—I really have this recovery thing figured out; I can do this!
I remember feeling this way myself. It was almost like a natural high. But the addict should be careful not to think that he or she is cured, because this could lead to another try at controlled using (i.e., a slip or relapse).
Five months after leaving treatment I tried some controlled using. For me this verified that I indeed was addicted, and I quickly got back to working on my recovery.
A person in recovery can almost plan on experiencing a pink cloud, but the ensuing relapse doesn’t have to happen.
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What is a Pink Cloud What is a Pink Cloud What is a Pink Cloud
This “Q & A with Joe Herzanek” is excerpted from Part 5 of “Why Don’t They Just Quit? What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery.”
RELATED:
Relapse. It Happens. ~by Joe Herzanek
NEED HELP NOW?
Phone Counseling for Families Dealing with Substance Abuse
Recovery Resources for Friends, Families and Employers
MORE ASK JOE:
> Do you have to stop seeing all your old friends in order to recover?
> Is a relapse—failure?
> If someone can stop using drugs or alcohol for weeks at a time, they “aren’t an addict—correct?
>Chronic Pain Management & Pain Pill Addiction: What to do?
>How can I know if my addicted friend or loved one is telling the truth?
>”I need help because I’m not able to deal with my live-in Fiance’s need to get drunk every night.”
>Should my husband “back off?”
>Gambling vs. Drug Addiction? What is your opinion?
>How can I tell if someone is an addict/alcoholic or just a heavy user?
>What is Methadone? What is Harm Reduction?
RELATED:
> Self-Tests: Alcohol and Drug Addiction
Sign up for our Free Changing Lives E-Newsletter!
RETURN:
From “What is a Pink Cloud? What does the term “pink cloud” mean?” to Changing Lives Foundation Blog Home
Tags: AA, AA "Lingo", addict, addicted spouse, addicted teen, addiction, addiction help, addiction recovery, Al-Anon, alanon, alcohol addiction help, Ask Joe, changing lives foundation, Joe Herzanek, Pink Cloud, Recovery Terms, Relapse, Why Don't they Just Quit
ASK JOE:
Passing out from drinking alcohol vs. blacking out:
Q: Are passing out from drinking alcohol and blacking out
the same thing?
A. No
Both of these terms are often associated with alcohol use. Elsewhere in this book (Why Don’t They Just Quit? What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery), we speak of alcohol as being a sedative/hypnotic drug.
Passing out from drinking too much alcohol is definitely a sign of being sedated and/or drunk. Passing out is what is referred to when a person becomes unconscious, similar to going to sleep.
Blacking out is completely different from passing out. In fact, the word hypnotic (as in sedative/hypnotic) is one way to think about blackouts from alcohol. For instance, someone who has been hypnotized can appear to function normally; they can follow commands, and so on. When the hypnotic state is over, they often can’t remember what they have done.
A blackout is like a temporary form of amnesia. Alcohol can and does affect our memory. Short-term memory loss is what happens after a person has experienced a blackout. The user may not have to be very drunk for this to happen. They will appear to be functioning normally—carrying on a conversation, driving a car, playing a game, watching a movie, or even having sex—yet not remember the events the following day.
This condition will also worsen over time; blackouts will start happening more often and the person will remember less. Blackouts from alcohol happen to many, but not all drinkers. Others may reach a point where it happens every time they drink—even after the first drink of the evening. Some drugs can create this experience as well.
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passing out from drinking, blacking out from drinking, alcohol blackout, passing out from alcohol
This “Q & A with Joe Herzanek” is excerpted from Part 5 of “Why Don’t They Just Quit? What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery.”
RELATED:
Relapse. It Happens. ~by Joe Herzanek
NEED HELP NOW?
Phone Counseling for Families Dealing with Substance Abuse
Recovery Resources for Friends, Families and Employers
MORE ASK JOE:
> Do you have to stop seeing all your old friends in order to recover?
> Is a relapse—failure?
> If someone can stop using drugs or alcohol for weeks at a time, they “aren’t an addict—correct?
>Chronic Pain Management & Pain Pill Addiction: What to do?
>How can I know if my addicted friend or loved one is telling the truth?
>”I need help because I’m not able to deal with my live-in Fiance’s need to get drunk every night.”
>Should my husband “back off?”
>Gambling vs. Drug Addiction? What is your opinion?
>How can I tell if someone is an addict/alcoholic or just a heavy user?
>What is Methadone? What is Harm Reduction?
RELATED:
> Self-Tests: Codependence
> Self-Tests: Alcohol and Drug Addiction
Sign up for our Free Changing Lives E-Newsletter!
RETURN:
From “Are passing out from drinking alcohol and blacking out the same thing?” to Changing Lives Foundation Blog Home
Tags: addicted spouse, addicted teen, addiction books, addiction help, addiction information, alcohol addiction help, alcohol help, alcoholism help, Ask Joe, cause of relapse, help an addict, help for alcoholic, Joe Herzanek, relapse and blackouts, Why Don't they Just Quit
ASK JOE:
Old friends and recovery:
Q: Do you have to stop seeing all your old friends
in order to recover?
A. It depends
When I was first getting off alcohol and drugs, many of my old friends
were just like me. I knew that being around drugs and being around
people using them was a bad idea. Exposing myself to the wrong influences
would have been a set-up for relapse. It wasn’t easy to let go of
some of my longstanding relationships. At the same time, though, I was
meeting new people who were also in recovery. I quickly learned that
my new lifestyle and old friends were kind of like oil and water—they
just didn’t mix.
After several weeks of sobriety, I started to see these old relationships
in a different light. I tried to talk to some of my old friends about recovery.
A few of them actually quit using. Others began to avoid me. I stayed
busy concentrating on not using. It was a little depressing, in a way. I
wanted so much to help them change, but many just weren’t interested.
This is a difficult time for the recovering person. There is a sort of
lag-time between leaving old unhealthy relationships and developing
new and better ones. It doesn’t happen overnight—but it will happen.
Trust the process and trust God to provide. For myself, I knew what was
at stake. I had to do this or soon return to the old life. The void in my
social life was going to be filled one way or another. This is one more reason
why support groups are important.
Recovery means making many changes,
and some are more difficult than others.
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Ask Joe, old friends and recovery Ask Joe, old friends and recovery Ask Joe, old friends and recovery
I am including this story of “Jenny’s Pearl Necklace” at the request
of my wife Judy. It is one of her favorites—all about “letting go, and letting
God.” Time and time again Judy and I have found that once we were
willing to trust God, He would surprise us with a blessing far beyond anything we would have dreamed.
The story of “Jenny’s Pearl Necklace” touches everyone in a different way—as we are all at different stages of our journey.
This “Q & A with Joe Herzanek” is excerpted from Part 5 of “Why Don’t They Just Quit? What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery.”
RELATED:
Relapse. It Happens. ~by Joe Herzanek
NEED HELP NOW?
Affordable Phone Counseling for Families Dealing with Substance Abuse
Recovery Resources for Friends, Families and Employers
MORE ASK JOE:
> Is a relapse—failure?
> If someone can stop using drugs or alcohol for weeks at a time, they “aren’t an addict—correct?
>Chronic Pain Management & Pain Pill Addiction: What to do?
>How can I know if my addicted friend or loved one is telling the truth?
>”I need help because I’m not able to deal with my live-in Fiance’s need to get drunk every night.”
>Should my husband “back off?”
>Gambling vs. Drug Addiction? What is your opinion?
>How can I tell if someone is an addict/alcoholic or just a heavy user?
>What is Methadone? What is Harm Reduction?
RELATED:
> Self-Tests: Codependence
> Self-Tests: Alcohol and Drug Addiction
Sign up for our Free Changing Lives E-Newsletter!
RETURN:
From “Do you have to stop seeing all your old friends in order to recover?” to Changing Lives Foundation Blog Home
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Tags: AA, addicted teen, addiction books, addiction help, addiction recovery, Al-Anon literature, alcohol addiction help, alcohol help, Ask Joe, changing lives foundation, friends and recovery, help for family of addicts, how to help a drug addict, how to help an addict, Joe Herzanek, Old friends and recovery, Why Don't they Just Quit
Q: If both parents are addicts, does that
increase the child’s chances of addiction?
A. There is a fifty-fifty chance.
The more alcoholics there are in a family, the higher the odds of passing along this addiction. In fact, when both parents have had substance abuse issues, the odds are 50/50 that their children will as well—should they decide to experiment with alcohol or drugs.
So what does that mean? In a case where both parents have a problem, with the odds at 50/50, will half of the kids become addicts? Not necessarily. This is an average. But it does mean the likelihood of becoming dependent is very high. Knowing this can help families recognize warning signs earlier rather than later. Depending on their maturity level, children and teenagers may decide to wait until early adulthood to begin experimentation (or, they may decide not to start at all).
Parents and other family members with such histories can consider how to help their children avoid developing a substance abuse problem. It is also a good idea for them to educate their children as to what is likely to happen if they are not on their guard. Knowing the dangers, facts, and warning signs of addiction is helpful, especially for those with a genetic predisposition. If we can get these kids to even delay trying drugs or alcohol, it will help to lessen their chances of falling into a life of dependency. Many research studies show that the later someone waits to start using, the less likely they are to become dependent.
This “Q & A with Joe Herzanek” is excerpted from Part 5 of “Why Don’t They Just Quit? What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery.”
> Paperback
> Audio Book CD, MP3 (NEW!)
> Kindle
> Audible Audio Download (LISTEN TO 4 MIN. SAMPLE)
RELATED:
Relapse. It Happens. ~by Joe Herzanek
NEED HELP NOW?
Recovery Resources for Friends, Families and Employers
MORE ASK JOE:
> Is a relapse—failure?
> If someone can stop using drugs or alcohol for weeks at a time, they “aren’t an addict—correct?
>Chronic Pain Management & Pain Pill Addiction: What to do?
>How can I know if my addicted friend or loved one is telling the truth?
>”I need help because I’m not able to deal with my live-in Fiance’s need to get drunk every night.”
>Should my husband “back off?”
>Gambling vs. Drug Addiction? What is your opinion?
>How can I tell if someone is an addict/alcoholic or just a heavy user?
>What is Methadone? What is Harm Reduction?
RELATED:
> Self-Tests: Codependence
> Self-Tests: Alcohol and Drug Addiction
Sign up for our Free Changing Lives E-Newsletter!
RETURN:
From “If both parents are addicts, does that increase the child’s chances of addiction?” to Changing Lives Foundation Blog Home
__________________________________________________________________
Both parents addicts chances of addiction Both parents addicts chances of addiction
Tags: alanon help, alcohol addiction help, alcohol dependence, Ask Joe, both parents addicts, chances of addiction, changing lives foundation, children of addicts, children of alcoholics, drug dependence, Joe Herzanek, Why Don't they Just Quit
Joe Herzanek, Author, Addiction Counselor and Interventionist
ASK JOE: ADDICTED TO OXYCONTIN
Q
Hi Joe:
I purchased your book in Jan. I read it from front to back several times for more than one reason. It was so full of information I wanted to make sure I absorbed it all.
My 20 year old son has just entered rehab for the 3rd time. We have tried to send him to the best places and so far have spent $30,000.00. He is addicted to Oxycontin. I had so much hope the first few times and now I am starting to realize what a stronghold this drug has on him. I am worried that he may never recover.
I am also feeling so much guilt and keep looking back to try and figure out what I could have done differently when he was growing up. I’m constantly convincing myself that if we had only been more firm with him, had more rules, if I hadn’t been a working mom and put him in so many daycares, things would have ended up differently (he wouldn’t be addicted to Oxycontin). I know that I’m just trying to find a way to ease my pain and guilt. Do you have any suggestions?
–Guilt-ridden in Minneapolis
A
Sorry to hear about your son who is addicted to Oxycontin. I’ll get right to the point. He doesn’t need another rehab to go to; he can completely stop using pain meds if he wants to–and you didn’t cause his addiction.
His age is a big issue. Most treatment places won’t even take him because he’s an adolescent. They have learned over the years that the success rate for treating adolescents is abysmal. He needs to feel the pain and consequences of his use.
I would use the tough love approach if it were me. Foster Kline’s book, “Parenting Teens with Love and Logic” is a book you should also read.
If the “want to” is there, your son will be able to quit. Your job is to make it crystal clear to him that you love him and will help him on the journey to recovery. And you will not do anything that keeps him from growing up and becoming a mature adult.
This is a process that will take some time but needs to begin now! The longer you wait the harder it will become. He will fight this in the beginning, that’s just the way it is. “Do you love your son enough to let him be mad at you?” I hope you do because that too is part of the process.
Seek some wise counsel for yourself as well.
Best regards,
Joe
Email your questions to Joe. He will reply to you personally.
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* Have you “tried everything?” To learn about individual counseling with Joe Herzanek (in person or by phone) click here.
MORE ASK JOE:
Son needs $75 for drug dealer of he’ll be “killed for sure.”
“I need help because I’m not able to deal with my live-in Fiance’s need to get drunk every night.”
Should my husband “back off?”
addicted to Oxycontin addicted to Oxycontin addicted to Oxycontin addicted to Oxycontin
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Tags: AA, addict, addiction books, addiction counseling, addiction help, Al-Anon, Al-Anon literature, alanon, alanon help, alcohol addiction help, alcohol help, alcoholic, Alcoholic spouse, Ask Joe, changing lives foundation, heavy drinking, help for alcoholic, help for alcoholism, high-functioning alcoholic, Joe Herzanek, just quit, need to get drunk every night, substance abuse, Why Don't they Just Quit
A recent comment from LA counselor Deborah Taft Webb (used with permission)
I have both the book and DVD (Why Don’t They Just Quit?) and use them with patients. They are great.
In my last 20 years of counseling and program directing, I have learned that working with the family is a MUST. In fact, they are more at risk to die from their loved ones illness than their addict.
Stress symptoms caused by co-dependency—strokes, heart attacks, cancers, etc. . . are more severe than the addicts disease in a lot of cases. Also, co-dependents loose the joy of living a life of serenity and if not helped, will have consequences in every aspect of their lives.
And of course, they don’t know what to do when their addict gets well. In every program I have developed, the family (with adults) and the parents (with the adolescents) spend almost as much time at the facility as the addicts.
It is a family disease. And they all come in asking “Why don’t they just quit?”
NEED HELP NOW?
Drug Addiction Phone Counseling for Families Dealing with Substance Abuse
Tags: AA, addict family recovery, Addicted child, adult alcoholic, Al-Anon, alan, alanon, alanon advice, alcoholism denial, Ask Joe, Chaplain Joe Herzanek, co-dependency, detachment, Family recovery, how to help an alcoholic, Joe Herzanek, tough love
Ask Joe:
My 50-year-old daughter will not admit she is drinking. She has lost her job, her drivers license–and her husband will soon be getting a divorce (he drinks). He is afraid he will lose his half of the house so he hasn’t left, and he does drive her places.
Your book has been a godsend. I have a guideline. I no longer say hurtful things to her. My problem is I cannot be honest with her or she hangs up the phone on me. She goes to AA meetings, comes home and gets drunk. She then calls me and I just don’t know how to deal with her and be honest. Please help me.
–Angela B.
Dear Angela,
What a sad story. There is not a lot that you can do, especially considering her age. If she is difficult to talk to, you may try writing her a letter (you could share your concerns and frustration and not have someone shouting at you while your doing it).
The good news is that it’s not too late. She can quit and begin a new life if she wants to badly enough.
If it were me I would let her know, in no uncertain terms, that you have had all you can take. I would tell her that you do not want to see her or talk to her again until she has at least 60 days of complete sobriety. If she is going to AA she knows what to do and there is plenty of help available to her from the other members.
You do not deserve to be going through the hell that she is putting you through. She is not a teenager she is FIFTY YEARS OLD.
Detachment and a firm dose of tough love are her only hope. You can do this.
If not now–when? How much more time do you (and she) want to waste?
Grace and peace,
–Joe
NEED HELP NOW?
Drug Addiction Phone Counseling for Families Dealing with Substance Abuse
Tags: AA, Addicted child, adult alcoholic, Al-Anon, alan, alanon, alanon advice, alcoholism denial, Ask Joe, Chaplain Joe Herzanek, detachment, how to help an alcoholic, Joe Herzanek, tough love
So. . . why don’t they just quit?
Some recent posts from “Dad on Fire” blog:
ORIGINAL POST:
Rewiring the brain against addiction is an idea that holds the key to the answer. Having known suffering drug addicts, its safe to say that “just quitting” is not an answer. The Depression that goes along with addiction, often predicating the need for drugs to begin with is a key area of study. Dual Demons! as it called, continually feeds into the reality of repeated relapse. Addiction is a disease that requires the equivalent focus in dollars and effort of the drug war itself. Once we get big Insurance and big Pharma to play the game of real recovery we can start poking holes in the sails of drug trade. De-criminalizing addiction would cripple illegal drug trade. Imagine a world of compassion, recovery and freedom from addiction.
Joe Herzanek:
Maybe they don’t quit because it’s hard to quit and people don’t like to do things that are hard or challenging. And why bother anyway as long as someone else will come along behind and clean up the mess. Can they quit is a better question and the answer is yes. Sure they need help and no one does it alone but that help will start to come out of the woodwork once they reach out for it, once they swallow their pride. The role of the concerned person or family member is to help them want to, not to look at them as victims. How about imagining a little tough love.
dadonfire
I am with you on the tough love. If it were not for tough love, some addicts wouldn’t get any love at all. So what do you do with the constant stream of 8 million or drug addicts that seem to stay “hooked” and that are dragging themselves down and everything they touch “lock them up in forced rehab” what do you think of the impact of dual diagnosis, the impact of hard drugs on brain chemistry, the costs to our communities, etc. . . looking for solutions, answers, ideas, stuff to post.
Joe Herzanek
I think we have made this much more complicated than it needs to be. Treatment is a great place to begin the journey. Once the person leaves they must follow-up with a support group that meets every day. I do not know of any group that even comes close to the AA 12 Step model. I don’t care if they WANT TO GO or not. The sick person is not in a position to create his or her own treatment program. If my son or daughter were in trouble this is what I would tell them to do. If they don’t like it at first that’s too bad. Imagine a diabetic telling his doctor he just doesn’t want to take insulin. I’ve been in the field for over thirty years and all I’m suggesting is what I have personally seen work the vast majority of the time (like over 90%).
Co-occurring disorders will often take care of themselves after the person stops poisoning his/her brain. It will take at least a few weeks or maybe many months. Too many people want things fixed NOW–so they listen to some “psych” tell them about a special drug and they start to play a chemistry game with the brain. In some cases these meds do make a big difference but they are way over-prescribed. Nothing will ever take the place of talk therapy–nothing. So let’s try a big dose of that first. I have heard more than a few psychiatrists say that many of these drugs often only make things worse. Adding more and more meds should be a last resort.
So how do we stop the ever growing number of people from coming into addiction? In my humble opinion you need to start when they are young, as in small children. Kids spell love T-I-M-E. The more time we invest in our children early in life will make a huge difference. This is by no means a guarantee but it is something we have been lacking in our culture for quite a while. Single-parent homes and absentee parents who pop in on their weekends for some “quality time” ain’t working. One of the best books I have ever read on this issue is Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline. Also, Before it’s too late, by Stanton Samenow.
So what about the 20-something or 30-something or 40-something person who is already in big trouble (or the adolescent, for that matter). What do we do for them? Empathy and a mixture of tough love is what seems to be most effective.
Concerned loved ones and family members need to not only read about what works best but then also start doing what’s best. No more enabling the insanity to continue.
Regards, Joe
* Have you “tried everything?” To learn about individual counseling with Joe Herzanek (in person or by phone) click here.
Tags: Al-Anon, alanon, Ask Joe, Co-occuring disorders, drug abuse
ASK JOE
Q:
Dear Joe:
My son went to rehab for 30 days and just got out of jail (45 days). He is back living with my husband and me. My husband calls him constantly during the day to see what he is doing, He averages at least once an hour. When my son gets ready to go out for a walk or a bike ride, my husband right away is on him with 20 questions.
Am I wrong to think that all the questions and constantly checking on my son is pushing him back into trouble? When my son went to jail, he had a fight with his dad and ended up getting caught doing drugs. He ended up getting arrested and we did leave him there for the 45 days (His drug of choice is heroin). I feel that my husband needs to back off or my son will be back to the drugs. How are we supposed to treat our son?
I have read your book and really learned a lot from it. I even passed it along to a friend of mine that was going through her son’s problem with Vicodin and alcohol.
Walking on eggshells in Illinois,
~ Julie E., Chicago, Ill
A:
Dear Julie,
I agree, your husband is putting undue pressure on your son right now. Showing some concern and wanting to encourage is a good thing.
Being suspicious of his every move will only make things worse. It sounds like you’re already doing many things right especially letting him sit in jail. Your son going through thirty days of treatment was also a plus.
The next stage of recovery is ongoing support. Is he going to some kind of group that talks about staying away from drugs and alcohol? AA or NA are the two obvious places to go. NO ONE recovers all by themselves. Going to meetings, working the 12 Steps, and getting a sponsor are the most important three signs of a willingness to do whatever it takes. If he will do this he will succeed.
They talked a lot about this when he was in treatment. If they didn’t I would be very surprised.
I would tell dad to back off some. If your son wants to use dad can’t stop it anyway.
Keep in mind that recovery is a process. I don’t know your sons age but if he is in his late teens or early twenties then he is still an adolescent in some ways.
Be sure to take care of yourself while dealing with all the above. Al-anon is something to consider, or even some “open” AA meetings. Ask his treatment center for guidance as well. There are resources available.
With effort and time this can all pass and life can be much more enjoyable again. Sometimes it’s a matter of just getting them from here to there.
People can and do recover all the time. Your son is no exception. If he wants change bad enough he will make it happen.
Best regards,
~ Chaplain Joe
Boulder County Jail
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Tags: AA, Addict Son, Addicted child, addicted son, addiction recovery, alcoholic son, alcoholic teen, Ask Joe, Author Joe Herzanek, changing lives foundation, Chaplain Joe Herzanek, help for alcoholic, parenting adolescents, parenting an addict, rehab, Son in rehab, Why Don't they Just Quit, whydonttheyjustquit
This “Q & A with Joe Herzanek” is excerpted from
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