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Raising the Bottom?

February 12, 2012 in AA Related, Al-Anon Related. . ., Ask Joe, Why Don't they Just Quit by jherzanek | 3 comments

Joe Herzanek, Author, Addiction Counselor and Interventionist

> Chaplain Joe Herzanek, Author, Addiction Counselor

 

 

Rock Bottom, Raising the Bottom
or Tough Love?

After speaking to and emailing hundreds of parents, spouses and other family members, I know this is a lot easier said, than done. Raising the bottom is especially difficult for mothers and is one of the reasons I wrote the book Why Don’t They JUST QUIT? — to get the message to as many as possible.

Exactly what do I mean by “raising the bottom”? This whole idea of “hitting bottom” is out of date. Some people will wait years–even decades–for their friend to reach this mythical point in their alcohol and drug use. But why wait for them to “hit bottom”? Why not help them by raising their bottom? There are ways to encourage someone to reach for help much earlier. In doing so, we can avoid a lot of unnecessary pain and heartache and maybe even save their life. For some people, hitting bottom will be six feet underground.

So does everyone have to hit rock bottom? I would say no. Tough love can prevent a substance abuser from prolonging their usage. There are loving ways to refuse to rescue someone that in the long run will help him or her to choose recovery. Loving means doing the right thing to help. This can take all of our strength and energy at times. “We all hate to see someone suffer even when the suffering is a consequence of their bad choices. This approach, or some form of it, is something you might consider: Raise the bottom. Whether it is a teenage son or daughter, a spouse, boyfriend, aunt or uncle, the same principles can apply. A few nights in jail could be the best thing that ever happens to them. The next time this person you care about appeals to you to get them out of a bind (loan them money, pay their electric bill, buy them gas, pay for a lawyer), think twice. You just might be prolonging their disease and robbing them of the natural consequences that they need to experience in order to seek help and begin to connect the dots.

I receive a lot of mail from family members who are searching for “Al-anon type” answers and information. Here’s a typical email and my response (I’ve changed the name and some of the details to protect the identity of this woman).

Dear Joe,
I have just ordered Why Don’t They JUST QUIT? as my last resort to get off the emotional rollercoaster my alcoholic husband has put me on! He has been an alcoholic since he was a teenager. It’s like living with Jekyl & Hyde! The physical & emotional rollercoaster is killing me. He has been incarcerated about 4 times and was in many different programs for alcohol, at least 5 or 6. He drives while drinking, and gambles when he drinks. I could go on forever. I constantly walk on eggshells and don’t know how much more I can handle. This book is my last resort before I suffer a mental breakdown.

Thanks Joe,
Sarah

Hi Sarah,
Thanks for your email. Sorry to hear about your current struggle. Your life does not have to be this way! The book will definitely help and give you some insights on the addiction problem. The difficult part will be sticking with the tough love that is necessary to motivate your husband to begin recovery. You can do it and so can he.

I don’t know your entire situation, but the number one issue must be dealt with, and that is HIS alcohol and or drug use.

Keep that in mind. You didn’t cause this problem and you can’t control or cure it. What you can do is confront it and perhaps give ultimatums. You can force him to see the light or feel the heat.

At some point he needs to choose which relationship is the most important–his relationship with you or his relationship with alcohol. Let him know there is a high cost to continue his current way of living. The pain of consequences is often the best teacher.

Hang in there.
Joe

 

ASK JOE:
>Son needs $75 for drug dealer of he’ll be “killed for sure.”

>”I need help because I’m not able to deal with my live-in Fiance’s need to get drunk every night.”

>Should my husband “back off?”

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RESOURCES:
Addiction Recovery Resources for Families of Substance Abusers, Addicts and Alcoholics

Why Don't They Just Quit? by Joe Herzanek
Why Don’t They Just Quit? What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery.

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The Wisdom of the Rooms

This quote reinforces our message about the importance of Step One.
Click Here to Read:
POWERLESS, Step One: What’s the big deal about Step One? (excerpted from “Why Don’t They Just Quit?”)

You couldn’t tell me anything before I entered recovery because I knew it all. I had all the answers for my life, and I had all the answers for yours, too, and I was quick to tell you about it. In fact, my favorite saying back then was, “Those who think they know it all are really annoying to those of us who do!”

When I came into the program, I brought all my opinions into the rooms with me. At first I tried to do things my way and thought I had better answers than you. I mean, “Turn it over”? “Let go and let God”? That may work for you, but I was sure I knew better. 90 days later, though, I was drunk!

When I finally admitted that I didn’t know how to stay sober, I became willing to admit that perhaps I didn’t know everything after all. That was the moment I became teachable, and it was the moment I began to recover. The longer I’m in the program, the more I realize that many times what I think I know, just ain’t so.

Today I’m quick to admit that I don’t have the answers, and when I do I become open to the wisdom that lies beyond.

This was reprinted from “The Widsom of the Rooms” ~by Michael Z
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Wisdom is knowledge know it all AA wisdom Wisdom of the Rooms

October 6, 2009 by jherzanek | No comments

By Ned Wicker

We all want to have hope. Hope gets us up in the morning and drives us to achieve what we otherwise would just dream about. Hope allows us to keep going when circumstances are dire and there does not appear to be any opportunity of turning the tide. Hope is the expectation of something in the absence of empirical data. Hope is everything to the recovering addict.

The second step in the 12 Step process states, “We came to believe that a “power greater than ourselves” could restore us to sanity. That is an example of hope. When a person goes to a treatment facility, having come to a point in his/her life that requires a change in direction, it is out of hope that they submit to the program.

Hope is a key ingredient in motivating a person to move forward in recovery, knowing that there will be good days and bad, knowing that recovery is a process and not an instantaneous event, and knowing that with perseverance, a good outcome is achievable.

Hopeless is a destructive, but avoidable state of mind. Hopeless suggests that nothing can help, not even the most advanced medical intervention, not the love of family and friends, and not even the power of God. Hopeless is a form of denial. It goes right along with addiction, because nothing else matters in life, except to limit themselves to their addictive experience.


Once in the throws of the disease, hopelessness becomes the norm because alternatives are squelched. Even if someone wants help, there are a million reasons why nothing will work. No suggestion, no treatment option, no differing worldview is allowed to become a consideration because the diseased mind can’t comprehend the plan. Hopeless can’t see from beginning to end. Hopeless is giving up because the here and now is too difficult.

Sadly, hope is something others have long before the addicted person is able to grasp and accept what the others are seeing. “We came to believe…” implies a process, and the otherwise hopeless are giving a new lease when faced with the very real possibility of receiving help.

Hope is that little crack in the curtain that allows a ray of light to shine through. Recovery is possible if you are honest, open and willing, and hope is that openness to change. When we feel hopeless, it implies a resistance to change or a fear o what we don’t know. Hope takes that little crack in the curtain and throws it open, allowing the room to be filled with sunlight.

Hope is something we share with the hopeless. It is an encouraging word when someone is struggling. It’s an affirmation when others turn away. Hope says I am loved and cherished. Hopeless says “die because nobody cares anyway.” Hope is warranted because we are made in the image of God, and if God is true to his word in the Bible, we are not only allowed to have hope, but we are encouraged to have hope. In the absence of God, hopeless is, as I see it, certain. There is nothing beyond our own view.

Hope means believing in a possibility, even if we only have a scant sliver of faith that it will happen. You can build on hope by looking forward and allowing yourself to be cared for. You can also build on hopeless by doing nothing.

In that regard, hope is a little harder because it requires some effort. Hopeless has no standard, other than doing nothing and allowing nothing. I see hope as a more intellectually challenging and intellectually honest position. It discards denial and works with solutions. Hope has possibilities. Hope is the place to be.

Ned Wicker is the Addictions Recovery Chaplain at Waukesha Memorial Hospital Lawrence Center.
He author’s a website for addiction support: Drug-Addiction-Support.org

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Ned_Wicker

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Hope is  Hope for the addict Hope is  Hope for the addict

March 28, 2009 by jherzanek | No comments

” . . . more than the typical self-help book”

November 29, 2008 in Professional Reviews, Why Don't they Just Quit by jherzanek | 3 comments

The Internet Review of Books
Julie McGuire
October 2008

Why Don’t They Just Quit: What Family and Friends Need To Know About Addiction and Recovery
By Joe Herzanek

Joe Herzanek, former drug and alcohol abuser, has done more than get treatment for his addictions. Herzanek conquered his demons and has spent his sober life serving others suffering from addiction. He founded the Changing Lives Foundation (www.changinglivesfoundation.org) and has served as a chaplain and counselor at jails and prisons for fifteen years. Herzanek is currently the Chaplain at the Boulder County Jail in Boulder, Colorado.

Why Don’t They JUST QUIT? is more than the typical self-help book. The winner of a Next Generation Indie Book Award, this book is gritty, honest, and full of practical tips, resources, and an Alcohol and Drug Addiction Self Test.

I loved the myriad quotes sprinkled throughout from such diverse individuals as Mother Theresa, Winston Churchill, Mark Twain, Abraham Lincoln, and Herzanek’s own family members. In the foreword, Joe’s wife, Judy, the Creative Manager for the Changing Lives Foundation says, “Joe speaks from firsthand experience, having survived shattered relationships, a life-threatening disease, physical and mental withdrawal, police problems, and raising two teenagers.”

It is the intimate way in which the author shares himself that lends what could be “just another addiction recovery book” a fresh and hopeful voice. I would recommend this for anyone who has been impacted by the effects of addiction.

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