Words of Wisdom

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Just for Fun: FABLE OF THE PORCUPINE

Fable of the Porcupine

The Fable of the Porcupine

It was the coldest winter ever—Many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions even though they gave off heat to each other.

After a while they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.

Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. This way they learned to live with the little wounds that were caused by the close relationship with their companions, but the most important part of it, was the heat that came from the others.

This way they were able to survive.

 

“The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people
but best is when each individual learns to live
with the imperfections of others

and can admire the other person’s good qualities.”

~ Unknown

SIMILAR:
The AA Promises

Rules to Live By

Sixty Seconds

12 Step Prayers

RESOURCES:
Recovery Resources for Friends, Families and Employers

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Why Don't They Just Quit? What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery." by Joe Herzanek
Why Don’t They Just Quit? What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery

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Why Do Alcoholics Drink? ~by Toby Rice Drews

Why do alcoholics drink?
~written by Toby Drews, author, “Getting Them Sober”
Posted with permission.

“It is so easy to slide into believing that the alcoholic drinks “because of a problem.”  And that if the alcoholic just “gets to the root of the problem” the drinking/drugging problem will just “wither away” by itself.”

 

That was the thinking of almost the entire mental-health profession about 25 years ago—before the days of James Milam (author of “Under the Influence”), who, along with other pioneers in the field of addictions, toured the country on a regular basis, lecturing and training mental-health practitioners, judges, pastoral counselors, nurses, criminal-justice personnel, and others, to help them understand that alcoholism is a primary disease.

What does that mean? It means that nothing can get you drunk. It means that no matter what else is going on in your life; no matter what your childhood was like; it means that no matter what your job is like, your spouse and/or kids are like; that none of those things get you drunk.

Yes, they cause stress! Life causes stress! And if everyone who had stress drank alcoholically, everyone would be an alcoholic.

“But the stressors of life are not what makes one an alcoholic.”

Why do alcoholics drink?
You “get” alcoholism because you are genetically predisposed to it. (You have to go back about six or eight generations to see the proclivity to alcoholism in one’s family; just because your parents did not have it, doesn’t mean it is not in your family. And back then, no one said people were alcoholic unless they were falling down in the gutter. And they certainly did not say that women or the clergy or any “good people” were alcoholic).

But, getting back to the mythology of “stress causing alcoholism”: Yes, stress can make you want to drink. Yes, having violent parents and being thrown out on the street at age 17 can make you want stress-relief and want to drink. But if you don’t have the brain receptors, etc., to be alcoholic or addicted, it’ll be a “passing phase” (It’s like the veterans after Vietnam: many, many of them tried heroin in Vietnam; but only 1/3 of those who took it in Vietnam, continued to take it, after they came home. Why? Because if you don’t have the physical set-up to become an alcoholic or other-drug addict, you won’t.

Look at all the spouses in Al-Anon who are not alcoholics who sat on bar stools to try to drink alongside their alcoholic spouses—to be there, to have their spouses at least physically with them—who could not keep up the drinking, even when they tried to).

And, if a catastrophe in life happens to a non-addict/non-alcoholic—and if they drink or do any other temporary thing to relieve stress—if they are not addicted, they will probably, after a while, not continue that drinking but get down to dealing with life on life’s terms.

Why do alcoholics drink?
The difference with alcoholics is that if they start to drink at all, even for a “legitimate stress reason”, then the craving and the obsession make them continue the process of the disease of alcoholism. And once that disease process in in effect, that disease does not need any “reason” to drink: In other words, alcoholics drink because the Yankees won; alcoholics drink because the Yankees lost; and alcoholics drink because the Yankees didn’t play.

“Alcoholics drink because the Yankees won; alcoholics drink because the Yankees lost; and alcoholics drink because the Yankees didn’t play.”

It often LOOKS like the alcoholic drinks because he lost his job—or because he hates the weather. But when that same alcoholic gets a job . . . a better-paying job and/or moves to where the weather is great . . . the probability is that alcoholic will still continue drinking or start drinking again, and the disease will still progress and the drinking will get worse. “Stuff” happens. “Stuff” does not cause alcoholism.

When alcoholics get sober and go to A.A. on a regular basis, they learn to replace that knee-jerk reaction of picking up a drink or a chemical for stress-relief—and replacing it with “taking it to a meeting” and talking about it. And by the Grace of God, it relieves it. A way is found to deal with it.

One more thing: when an alcoholic has, alongside the alcoholism, a psychiatric illness (like clinical depression) they may initially only drink to relieve the clinical depression—and they may receive temporary relief from it because they drank. But, and this is a big “but”—when they drink even for that reason . . . it gets and keeps the disease-of-alcoholism process going.

And even if that particular cycle of clinical depression “lets up” for awhile because of the temporary relief of the alcohol, the alcoholic drinking usually continues, because the alcoholism has its own dynamic and is itself progressive. It gets to exists alongside, in addition to, the psychiatric illness.

And if the alcoholism is not treated for itself and the drinking does not stop (even if the psychiatric illness is treated with medication and therapy) then two things usually happen:

A) intaking alcohol when the medicine is in the body usually makes the medicine less effective

B) the alcoholism follows a progressive course and continues to eventually make that person’s life worse on just about every level, if not all levels. And it usually continues to make that psychiatric illness worse, too.

“If a person with both psychiatric illness and alcoholism wants to get better, they usually have to get help for both problems.”

If a person with both psychiatric illness and alcoholism wants to get better, they usually have to get help for both problems—and that help is often found in an alcoholism treatment center (one that is A.A.-oriented) that is good at diagnosing and treating persons with both addiction and psychiatric illness. And after initial treatment is completed, ongoing counseling, as well as A.A., of course—is usually the prescribed course of treatment.

_____________________________________________________

This article, “Why Do Alcoholics Drink?” is from Toby Drews’ “Getting Them Sober” newsletter.
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Getting Them Sober

What is “Getting Them Sober”?
“Getting Them Sober”, by Toby Rice Drews, is the million-selling series of books—endorsed by ‘Dear Abby’, by Dr. Norman Vincent Peale, and by Melody Beattie (author of ”Codependent No More” who wrote, ”Getting Them Sober’ is the BEST book for the family of the still-drinking alcoholic”).

How are the books different from each other?  What are the table of contents in each of the books?
Click to read excerpts and to purchase “Getting Them Sober”

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RELATED:
The AA Promises

All Those AA Meetings: What he’ll hear when he goes to those AA meetings

AA Facts and History

12 Step Prayers

Recovery Resources for Friends, Families and Employers

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Why Don't They Just Quit? What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery." by Joe Herzanek
Why Don’t They Just Quit? What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery

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The Wisdom of the Rooms

AA Wisdom: “Don’t take yourself so damn seriously!”

So many people who call Changing Lives Foundation feel like they are all alone in their struggles. Our best advice to those who have limited resources is to visit an Open AA meeting or two, attend an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting. There , you will find others with concerns, similar to yours. Many of these people offer gems of wisdom just like this—one of our favorites:

AA Wisdom: “Don’t take yourself so damn seriously!”
~ by Michael Z.

When I came into the program, everything was a big deal, and I was very serious. My finances, my future, my wreaked relationships – everything was overwhelming. I remember attending meetings and hearing the laughter and thinking, “What’s so damn funny? The only reason we’re here is because our lives suck!” It took me quite a while before I could join in with that laughter, and the moment I did my life began to change.

As I got further into the program, that sense of impending doom began to dissipate, and I felt like I could breathe again. The secrets and shame I had hidden so long began to come out, and as I shared what was inside me with others, I began to feel lighter. I began to laugh more at myself and with others, and I finally began to feel human and a part of again. Most of all, I started to realize what was truly important.

Today I know that the future will take care of itself if I take care of today. I now have faith that there is a God working in my life and that even if things don’t go my way, that’s not only OK, it often turns out for the better. Today, money isn’t as important as relationships, and the only thing that really matters is health and sobriety.

Today I’ve learned to live life on life’s terms and, most of all, not to take myself so damn seriously.

 

Wisdom of the Rooms, Volume 4

 

AA Wisdom: “Don’t take yourself so damn seriously!”
Excerpted from “The Wisdom of the Rooms Volume IV”

~by Michael Z.

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This beautiful, Fourth Volume will enrich your recovery for years to come!

More from Wisdom of the Rooms:
Things might not get better for me, but I can get better despite things
12 Step AA Wisdom: Bring the body, the mind will follow
We found we couldn’t help ourselves, but we could help each other

Related:
The AA Promises

RESOURCES:
Addiction Recovery Resources for Families of Substance Abusers, Addicts and Alcoholics

Why Don't They Just Quit? by Joe Herzanek
Why Don’t They Just Quit? What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery.

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AA Wisdom, AA Wisdom, AA Wisdom

~written by Toby Drews, author, “Getting Them Sober”
Posted with permission.

FAMILIES OF ALCOHOLICS WANT TO KNOW
“WHAT HE’LL HEAR WHEN HE GOES TO THOSE A.A. MEETINGS.”

What is often underlying that question is the fear that no one will tell him how serious this disease is . . . that no one will tell him that he must go to A.A. meetings a lot . . . that no one will tell him that he must stop drinking—and stay stopped.

What he’ll most probably hear from the old timers in A.A meetings:

1.) ”Don’t drink if your rear-end falls off. And if it falls off, put it in a basket and take it to a meeting.”

2.) ”Meeting-makers make it”—almost all relapses occur because people stopped going to meetings.

(Even if the speaker says he ‘slipped’ and doesn’t say why—if you ask the person privately after the A.A. meeting, ”did you stop going to meetings?” the response is almost always ‘yes’).

3.) What’s dangerous about “slips” (relapses)? As the old timers will tell the newcomer, ”you know you have another drunk in you, but you don’t know if you have another recovery in you” (i.e., you may feel like you can ‘slip and slide’ and go in and out of A.A. at will—and that ”a little slip that only lasts a short time doesn’t really count”).

But one day, the way this disease works, you probably will lose the choice and won’t be able to go back even if you want to. In other words, each ‘slip’, no matter ‘how long’ or ‘how short’, is akin to playing Russian Roulette with your life.

IT’S EASIER TO STAY SOBER—THAN TO GET SOBER.

_____________________________________________________

 

This article, “All Those AA Meetings: What he’ll hear when he goes to those AA meetings” is from Toby Drews’ “Getting Them Sober” newsletter. Click here to sign up: http://www.gettingthemsober.com/newsletter.html

What is “Getting Them Sober”?
“Getting Them Sober”, by Toby Rice Drews, is the million-selling series of books—endorsed by ‘Dear Abby’, by Dr. Norman Vincent Peale, and by Melody Beattie (author of ”Codependent No More” who wrote, ”Getting Them Sober’ is the BEST book for the family of the still-drinking alcoholic”).

How are the books different from each other?  What are the table of contents in each of the books? 

Click to read: http://www.gettingthemsober.com/excerpts.html

Related:
The AA Promises

AA Facts and History

12 Step Prayers

Recovery Resources for Friends, Families and Employers
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Jenny's Pearl Necklace

The story of “Jenny’s Pearl Necklace” touches everyone in a different way—as we are all at different stages of our journey . . . and trusting God.

Jenny’s Pearl Necklace
The cheerful girl with bouncy golden curls was almost five. Waiting with her mother at the checkout stand, she saw them: a circle of glistening white pearls in a pink foil box.

“Oh please, Mommy. Can I have them? Please, Mommy, please!” Quickly the mother checked the back of the little foil box and then looked back into the pleading blue eyes of her little girl’s upturned face. “A dollar ninety-five. That’s almost $2. If you really want them, I’ll think of some extra chores for you and in no time you can save enough money to buy them yourself.”

As soon as Jenny got home, she emptied her piggy bank and counted out 17 pennies. After dinner, she did more than her share of chores. She went to the neighbor, Mrs. McJames, and asked if she could pick dandelions for ten cents. On her birthday, Grandma gave her another new dollar bill and at last she had enough money to buy the necklace.

Jenny loved her pearls. They made her feel grown up. She wore them everywhere—Sunday school, kindergarten, even to bed. Jenny had a very loving daddy and every night he would stop whatever he was doing and come upstairs to read her a story. One night when
he finished the story, he asked Jenny, “Do you love me?” “Oh yes, Daddy. You know that I love you.”

“Then may I have your pearls?”

“Oh, Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have Princess—the white horse from my collection. Remember, Daddy? The one you gave me.
She’s my favorite.”

“That’s okay, honey. Daddy loves you. Good night.” And he brushed her cheek with a kiss.

About a week later, after story time, Jenny’s daddy asked again, “Do you love me?”

“Daddy, you know I love you.”

“Then will you give me your pearls?”

“Oh, Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have my baby doll. The brand new one I got for my birthday.

“That’s okay, Honey. Sleep well. God bless you, little one. Daddy loves you.” And as always, he brushed her cheek with a gentle kiss.

Several days later, when Jenny’s father came in to read her a story, Jenny was sitting on her bed and her lip was trembling. “Here, Daddy,” she said, and held out her hand. She opened it and her beloved pearl necklace was inside. She let it slip into her father’s hand.
With one hand her father held the plastic pearls and with the other he pulled out of his pocket a blue velvet box.

Inside of the box were real, genuine, beautiful pearls. He had had them all along. He was waiting for Jenny to give up the cheap stuff so he could give her the real thing.

So it is with our Heavenly Father. He is waiting for us to be willing to give up things in our lives so he can give us beautiful treasure. God only wants you to have the best.

—Author Unknown, Source Unknown

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Why Don't They Just Quit? What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery." by Joe HerzanekThis story is excerpted from Part 5 of “Why Don’t They Just Quit? What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery.”

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Ask Joe: Do you have to stop seeing all your old friends in order to recover?
Relapse. It Happens.
~by Joe Herzanek

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> Is a relapse—failure?

> If someone can stop using drugs or alcohol for weeks at a time, they “aren’t an addict—correct?

>How can I tell if someone is an addict/alcoholic or just a heavy user?

>What is Methadone? What is Harm Reduction?

 

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The Wisdom of the Rooms“We couldn’t help ourselves,
but we could help each other.”

~by Michael Z

So many family members who call Changing Lives Foundation
feel like they are all alone in their struggles.
Our best advice to those who have limited resources is
to visit an Open AA meeting or two, attend an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting.
There,they will find others with similar concerns.
Many of the people in these meetings offer gems of wisdom just like this
from Michael Z.
Read what he has to say about helping others, the power of God and ultimately, helping yourself—


Before recovery I did everything I could think of to get better on my own. I’d try to stop drinking during the week; then on Mondays through Thursdays. I’d join a gym and exercise a while, or I’d go on a healthy diet. I went into therapy to work on myself, and I started journaling. At the end of all of this, though, I’d find myself alone, depressed and drunk.

When I entered the program, I thought I might finally learn how to help myself. Instead, I was given direction that made no sense. “Wash the coffee cups after the meeting,” I was told. “Get a commitment to get to a meeting early and set the chairs up.” “Become a greeter and ask other people how they are doing.” What about me? I thought. How am I going to get better if I’m focused on helping others rather than myself? Even though I didn’t understand it, I was desperate, so I followed your direction.

And that’s when the miracle took place. Over time I came to see that alone I couldn’t, but together we could recover. I learned that the solution began when I got out of myself and helped you. That when two alcoholics got together, that’s when the power of God flowed and healed us both. Ultimately I learned that when I was helping you, you were helping me and that was the solution I could never find by myself.

Today I know that while I can’t help myself, I can always help you – and together, we can help each other.

 

________________________________________________

Excerpted from “The Wisdom of the Rooms Volume 2″
~by Michael Z.

 

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More from Wisdom of the Rooms:
Things might not get better for me, but I can get better despite things
12 Step AA Wisdom: Bring the body, the mind will follow

Related:
The AA Promises

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This article “10 Tips for Surviving Holidays
with the Dysfunctional Family”

It is so full of great information that I decided to repost it again.

~By Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.

For some families, holidays are just another excuse to get together to eat good food and to have a good time. They’re not looking for articles like this one because they’ve somehow figured out the formula for successful family togetherness with minimum stress. If you have a challenging family, it’s only human to be a bit incredulous and then more than a bit jealous to see other folks living out the holiday fantasy when you’re just trying to live through it.

Just because it’s always been that way doesn’t mean you’re doomed to a lifetime of holiday gatherings where you just grin and go to your happy place until, thank goodness, it’s over! You can make a difference. You may even be able to start to enjoy your personal dysfunctional crowd. With a little planning and some social engineering, you can take control of the situation and make this holiday feel better.

First, make an honest appraisal of the family. It’s not new information that your mother doesn’t like your sister’s husband or your grandmother is going to want attention for her latest ache and pain. It’s not news to anyone that so-and-so has to be the center of attention or so-and-so somehow gets her feelings hurt every year. Instead of denying these realities, plan for them. (You get extra credit if you can find a way to have a sense of humor about them too.) Then consider using the following tips to begin to avoid at least some of the usual family drama.


1. Line up some co-conspirators. Chances are you’re not the only one who is irked by your family’s dysfunctional routines. Figure out who you can call on to help make things different. Then do some pre-event strategizing. Agree to tag-team each other with the folks you all find particularly difficult. Set up a signal you’ll use to call in a replacement. Brainstorm ways to steer a certain individual’s most tiresome and troublesome antics in a different direction.

2. Ask your co-conspirators to brainstorm ways to give challenging relatives an assignment: Is someone always critical of the menu? Ask her if she would please bring that complicated dish that is her trademark so she’ll have a place to shine. Is there a teenager who mopes about, bringing everyone down? Maybe offer to pay him to entertain the younger set for a couple hours after dinner so the adults can talk.

3. Invite “buffers.” Most people’s manners improve when outsiders enter the scene. If you can count on your family to put their best feet forward for company, invite some. (If not, don’t.) There are always people who would love a place to go on holidays. Think about elderly people in your church or community whose grown children live far away, or divorced friends whose kids are with the other parent this year, or foreign exchange students from your local high school or college.

4. Nowhere is it written that there shall be alcohol whenever a family gets together.
If there are problem drinkers in the family, let everyone know ahead of time that you are holding an alcohol-free party. Serve sparkling cider and an interesting non-alcoholic punch. People in your family who can’t stand being at a gathering without an alcoholic haze will probably leave early or decline the invitation. Everyone else will be spared another holiday ruined by someone’s inability to handle their drinking.

5. Take charge of seating. Have some of the younger kids make place cards and assign seats. Folks are less likely to switch places when admiring kids’ handiwork. Put people who rub each other the wrong way at opposite ends of the table. Seat the most troublesome person right next to you or one of your co-conspirators so that you can head off unfortunate conversation topics as soon as they start.


6. Guide the conversation. If your family doesn’t seem to know how to talk without getting into arguments or if you’re not the most socially adept person yourself, give yourself some help by introducing The Conversation Game (see below). Announce at the beginning of the meal that you want to use the gathering as a time to get to know each other better. Ask everyone to indulge you by playing the game for at least part of the meal. Hopefully, people will like this change in family dynamics enough to want to keep it going.

7. Give kids a way to be included. Then set them free. Kids are simply not going to enjoy being trapped at a table with adults (especially dysfunctional adults) for extended periods of time. They get restless. They get whiny. They slump in their chairs. Yes, they should be expected to behave with at least a minimum of decorum during the meal but head off complaints and tantrums by planning something for them to do while the adults linger at the table. Have the materials for a simple craft project set up and ready to go. Remember that teenager in #4? Perhaps this is when she plays a game outside with the younger kids while older ones watch a movie.

8. No willing teens? Set up a childcare schedule ahead of time so the adults spell each other. Auntie oversees a kid project while the rest of the adults finish their meal. Uncle takes the kids out to run around between dinner and desert. Plan ahead to share the load and nobody feels martyred and everybody has a better time.

9. Provide escape routes. Togetherness is not for everyone. Make sure there are ways for the shyer or more intimidated to get away from the crowd. If most people will be watching football, set up a movie in another room for those who want out. Ask for help in the kitchen to give the overwhelmed person a graceful way to withdraw from the bore who is boring her. Set up a jigsaw puzzle on a card table in a corner so that people who don’t want to be part of the conversation have a way to occupy themselves and still be part of the party. Arrange with one of your co-conspirators to suggest a before- or after-dinner walk for people who need a breather.

10. After everyone leaves, reward yourself. Sink into your favorite chair and give yourself credit (and an extra piece of pie?) for trying to make a difference. It takes a lot of time and a lot of effort to make significant change in the habits and attitudes of a dysfunctional family. Any small step in the right direction is something to be thankful for. Good for you!

The Conversation Game

This is a game the whole family can play. Make up a stack of cards with discussion starters on them. Brainstorm “starters” that will make people reminisce or laugh. Make sure to include cards that appeal to all ages. Some ideas are listed below.

To play the game, ask the person to your right to pick a card and read it. Each person at the table gets to answer. It’s fine for someone to “pass” if they don’t have something to say. After everyone has had a turn to respond, the deck gets passed to the next person to choose a card. And so on.


Sample starters:

• What song brings up the happiest memories for you?
• If you were a car, what kind would you be?
• If you were given a thousand dollars with the rule that you couldn’t spend it on yourself, what would you do with it?
• What was the best day of your life so far?
• If you could change places with a celebrity, who would it be and why?
• If you could go to a fancy restaurant and price were no object, where would you go and what would you order?
• What is the best way to cheer you up when you’re down?
• What is the one thing you’ve done in your life that you are proudest of?
• What was your favorite childhood game or toy? (For kids, what is it now?)
• If you formed a band, what would you name it? What kind of music would you play?
• If you had the choice of a day: Would you rather choose a day 10 years ago or a day 10 years from now?
• If you could have 1 superpower, what would it be?
• If you could live somewhere else for a year, where would you go?
• If you knew you were going to spend a year in a science station in Antarctica, what 3 things would you most want to take with you to do when you weren’t working?
• What do you think is the secret to staying young at heart?
• When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up? Do you remember why? (For kids: What do you think you’d like to be and why?)
• What bargain would you love to find on eBay or at a garage sale?
• What do you really, really hope someone will invent soon?
• If someone gave you a gift certificate for a tattoo, what would you get and where would you put it?
• Which would you rather be: A famous athlete, a great singer, or an important politician?

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Siblings: The Forgotten Ones, by Joe Herzanek
Dysfunctional Families, Validating Their Children

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November 20, 2011 by jherzanek | 2 comments

The Wisdom of the Rooms“Criticism: Advice That is Not Asked For”

~by Michael Z

So many family members who call Changing Lives Foundation
feel like they are all alone in their struggles.
Our best advice to those who have limited resources is
to visit an Open AA meeting or two, attend an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting.
There,they will find others with similar concerns.
Many of the people in these meetings offer gems of wisdom just like this
from Michael Z.
Read what he has to say about criticism, advice and AA—



I have someone in my life that, after she asks how I’m doing and I begin to tell her, immediately begins telling me the things I need to change or start doing. Until this quote I didn’t realize that the reason her unasked for advice made me feel so bad was because it was thinly veiled criticism of the way I was living my life.

Thank God the program doesn’t work that way. If people in the program or my sponsor started giving me unasked for advice or telling me what to do, I would have left long ago. Instead, people give me suggestions (when I ask for them) based on their own experience. If they had a similar situation as mine and they did something that worked for them, then they may suggest that it might work for me as well. It’s up to me at that point to try it or not.

Because of the AA program, I have learned to apply this wisdom in my other relationships as well. In fact, people now call me a good listener, and it’s because I know that all people really want is to be heard and understood. If asked, the best I can do is share my experience with a similar situation – if I have it. Otherwise, it’s best to listen, empathize and help them process their experience.

That’s always better than giving advice that’s not asked for.

________________________________________________

Excerpted from “The Wisdom of the Rooms Volume 2″
~by Michael Z.

 

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More from Wisdom of the Rooms:
Things might not get better for me, but I can get better despite things
12 Step AA Wisdom: Bring the body, the mind will follow

Related:
The AA Promises

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The Wisdom of the Rooms“Things might not get better for me, but I can get better despite things.”

 So many people who call Changing Lives Foundation feel like they are all alone in their struggles. Our best advice to those who have limited resources is to visit an Open AA meeting or two, attend an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting. There , you will find others with concerns, similar to yours. Many of these people offer gems of wisdom just like this—

Things might not get better for me, but I can get better despite things.
~by Michael Z.

When I was a newcomer, I was convinced that because I was now sober, things in my life would get better. I was sure my career would finally get on track, my relationships would improve, etc., and I knew that as those things came together, I would finally be happy. In fact, I secretly felt like I deserved for things to improve now that I was being “good”. Boy was I wrong.

What actually happened was that my life started to spiral out of control. It was as if things had a natural momentum to them, and even though I wasn’t acting the same way, the wreckage of my past was beginning to catch up with me. As I grew more and more miserable, my sponsor taught me something that set me free.

I remember he sat me down and asked me if I could make it through the day without a drink or a drug. I told him I could, and that’s when he taught me that while I may not be able to control all the things in my life, I could control the most important thing of all – my sobriety and my recovery. He told me that if I took care of that, then all the other “things” would work out.
While at first I didn’t believe him, it turns out he was right.

Today I know that while things may not always get better for me,
I can get better if I focus on the one thing that matters.

 

The above is excerpted from “The Wisdom of the Rooms” by Michael Z.

 

Wisdom of the Rooms, Volume 4

Volume Four Now Available! Order Your Signed Copies Today!

Just $14.95 each!

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Related Articles:
The Addict’s Mom. She just couldn’t do it anymore
Drug Addiction: Moving Into Recovery

 

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The AA Promises

The AA Promises

1. If we are painstaking about this phase of our development,
we will be amazed
before we are halfway through.

2. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

3. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

4. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.

5. No matter how far down the scale we have gone,
we will see how our experience
can benefit others.

6. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

7. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

8. Self-seeking will slip away.


9. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

10. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

11. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

12. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us
what we could not do for
ourselves

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us -
sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

_________________________________________________________________

RESOURCES:
Addiction Recovery Resources for Families of Substance Abusers, Addicts and Alcoholics

Why Don't They Just Quit? by Joe Herzanek
Why Don’t They Just Quit? What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery.

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Mother and child

 

Many thanks to our guest blog author
—who wishes to remain anonymous.

From the moment you give birth, an innate force within secures a powerful and concentrated intent at the deepest level to protect your precious child, protect them from harm. As a parent, you accept this role with reverence as it carries the highest priority.

Holding your child carefully, keeping them warm, nourished and safe, you show them the immeasurable importance of their place on earth. They feel loved and of great value, knowing that you care about their happiness, comfort and fulfillment. You are their greatest fan and root them on as they step into the world, deciding for themselves how they wish to engage in the life experience. Seeing them off, deep steadfast desires to protect surge through you still. As their caretaker for many years, this powerful urge does not ever truly end. You simply let go, hoping the years of love, guidance and care remain as the foundation for their own ability to keep themselves safe from harm.

What happens when your child is involved in one of the most harmful behaviors possible and they fall away from the safety you worked so hard to instill, strengthen and ensure? How do you handle watching them sink deeper into a world that seems to swallow them into darkness, an unreachable place where you feel powerless – the world of addiction?

Addiction is dangerous and destructive to everything you have committed to keep safe. How do you protect your child? Your natural instinct is to shield them from harm, however in your attempts to do this, the addiction begins to engulf your life as well. This is when your child’s addiction becomes your own.

Three major reasons for this are:

1) Believing you have the power to change or control the person/addiction.

Feeling powerless, you strive for ways to gain a sense of control – life centers around fixing the problem and dealing with the addiction’s consequences.

Attempts to gain control are:

• Becoming a “perfect” parent, supporter, nurturer
• Being careful about everything you say and do
• Peacekeeping
• Taking care of the child’s needs over your own

2) Treating addiction as a moral, behavioral issue rather than an illness.

Expecting rational thinking from an irrational, altered state of perception – addictions cease to be rational by their very nature. Usual support and guidance are ineffective. When tried, there is a great sense of failure, frustration and hopelessness for all involved.

3) Believing the addiction means something about you.

Self-blaming causes guilt, anger, regret, and a sense of inadequacy as a parent. Identifying with your child’s addiction – either feeling responsible for fixing it or unable to face it. The key is not gaining control or changing the addiction. It is understanding you have no control over the addiction. You do, however, have power; the power to let go.

Letting go is:

• Supporting, not fixing
• Permitting another to face reality
• Allowing consequences
• Not taking responsibility for them
• Admitting the outcome is not in your hands
• Acceptance

In letting go, you truly embrace your parental power, by being the example of that which you wish them to do. The addict will be most positively affected by a healthy parent who takes care of themselves, has good boundaries, follows through, respects themselves and honors their life. You don’t need to control or change the addict’s actions, but you can learn to change your responses.

You best help your addicted child by:

• Reaching out for support of others who have been through it
• Expressing your feelings
• Letting your child solve the problems their addiction creates
• Focusing on one day at a time
• Not determining your choices by theirs
• Not doing for them what they can do for themselves

Remember, your child doesn’t need you to take them away from their journey towards discovering their light, they simply need to see your light shining as a reminder of their own along the way.

RESOURCES:
Addiction Recovery Resources for Families of Substance Abusers, Addicts and Alcoholics

Why Don't They Just Quit? by Joe Herzanek
Why Don’t They Just Quit? What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery.

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The Wisdom of the Rooms

So many people who call Changing Lives Foundation feel like they are all alone in their struggles. Our best advice to those who have limited resources is to visit an Open AA meeting or two, attend an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting. There , you will find others with concerns, similar to yours. Many of these people offer gems of wisdom just like this—one of our favorites:

 

“Bring the body, the mind will follow.”
~ by Michael Z.

This is a quote I heard early on in my recovery, and it has served me well over the years. Over and over again, when I haven’t wanted to go to a meeting, I went anyway and once my body was there, my mind ended up being glad it went along, too. Like much of the wisdom in the program, I can apply the truth in this quote to many other areas of my life as well.

 

What I’ve learned is that taking action is almost always the gateway into feeling better. Rarely have I been able to think my way into different behavior or results, instead it’s only when I take action (especially when I don’t want to) that things begin to shift, and I begin feeling better.The program, like life, doesn’t work when I’m into thinking, only when I’m into action.

 

It’s interesting how, even with this knowledge and experience, my mind still tells me not to do the things that will make me feel better. Often I’d rather watch TV than go to a meeting, rest after work than go to the gym, procrastinate rather than take action. The good news, though, is that it always works out for the best when I go ahead and take action anyway.

 

“Whenever I bring my body, my mind always follows…”

Wisdom of the Rooms, Volume 4

 

Volume Four Now Available! Order Your Signed Copies Today!

Just $14.95 each!

Click Here
to Purchase

This beautiful, Fourth Volume will enrich your recovery for years to come!

 

 

Related Articles:
Drug Addiction: Moving Into Recovery

RESOURCES:
Addiction Recovery Resources for Families of Substance Abusers, Addicts and Alcoholics

Why Don't They Just Quit? by Joe Herzanek
Why Don’t They Just Quit? What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery.

> Paperback

> Audio Book CD, MP3 (NEW!)

> Kindle

> Audible Audio Download  (LISTEN TO 4 MIN. SAMPLE)

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Mom showing empathy for her addicted sonThe Importance of Empathy

This short article explains one of the most important (and one of our favorite) concepts. Dr. James Fay (Parenting Teens With Love and Logic) illustrates the simple approach–of showing empathy while remaining strong.

 

 

 

EMPATHY!

Consequences delivered with empathy
create responsibility.
Consequences delivered without empathy
create resentment.

So we have a choice: Will we raise responsible kids…or resentful ones?

Will we end up in a nice nursing home or a nasty one?

Understanding why empathy is the most important skill is simple. Empathy preserves the relationship and makes it very hard for our kids to blame us for their poor decisions.

Really using sincere empathy…on a consistent basis…is the hard part!

We’ve spent over two decades studying people who’ve been successful with this. What do they have in common? They use just one empathetic statement…regardless of what consequence they must provide.

That’s right. They keep it simple!

They also pick one that fits their personality and culture. Some folks always precede consequences with, “That is so sad.” Others prefer, “Oh, man…”

Some parents say, “What a bummer.” Others prefer, “Bless your heart.”

Tape this note on your bathroom mirror as a reminder.

Thanks for reading!
Dr. Charles Fay
Originally Published 7/15/09

Dr. Charles Fay©2009 Jim Fay, Charles Fay, Ph.D., and Love and Logic® Institute. All copyright infringement laws apply. Permission granted for photocopy reproduction and forwarding. Please do not alter or modify contents. For more information, call the Love and Logic® Institute, Inc. at (800) 338-4065 or www.loveandlogic.com


RELATED:
Why Do Alcoholics Drink?
~by Toby Rice Drews

The Critical Role of Al-Anon in Family Addiction Recovery ~by Joe Herzanek

RESOURCES:
Addiction Recovery Resources for Families of Substance Abusers, Addicts and Alcoholics

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Why Don't They Just Quit? What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery." by Joe Herzanek
Why Don’t They Just Quit? What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery

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April 20, 2011 by jherzanek | No comments

Jim Fay

Jim Fay

As one of our favorite authors, we highly recommend Jim Fay and Foster Cline’s  bookParenting Teens With Love And Logic

Little Cleo looked out of the corner of her eye at her Mom with one of those testing looks, then pushed her child sized grocery cart into the legs of her sister.

“Quit that,” warned Mom. “I’ve warned you about that three times already. If you do it again I’m going to take it away!”

Three minutes later Cleo was doing it again.

Read more . . .

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“Do It Anyway”

Mother Teresa

Mother Teresa

Found written on the wall
in Mother Teresa’s home for children in Calcutta*

People are often unreasonable,
illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of
selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends
and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank,
people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building,
someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness,
they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today,
people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have,
and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis,
it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

*Some sources say that these words were written on the wall in Mother Teresa’s own room in her home for children in Calcutta, India, and are widely attributed to her. In any case,
their association with
Mother Teresa and the Missionaries of Charity
has made them popular worldwide, expressing as they do,
the spirit in which they lived their lives.

They seem to be based on a composition originally by Kent Keith,
but much of the second half has been re-written
in a more spiritual way.

~ To view a video version of the above ~

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Click here to watch
Addiction. What if they just can't quit?

This clip is excerpted from the new DVD
The 10 Toughest Questions

Families and Friends Ask About Addiction and Recovery

What if they just CAN’T quit?

Learn the truth to this often misunderstood notion that some people “just can’t quit.” Author/Addiction Counselor and Professional Interventionist  Joe Herzanek answers this and much more in the book  “Why Don’t They Just Quit?”

 

 

Combo Pack Book & DVD

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This woman is “An Addict’s Wife”

I love the question at the end of this.
To purchase this DVD with Combo Pack
http://www.whydonttheyjustquit.com/
Why Don't They Just Quit? 90-minute Roundtable DVD

To watch: scroll down to middle of page after clicking on image.


CLICK ON IMAGE ABOVE TO VIEW SHORT CLIP.

Any guesses who the woman is? Read the book for more clues!

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Thanks to Jamie Alessandrine/There is Always Hope! for this.

One day at a time – this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone. . .
–Ida Scott Taylor

It’s not always easy to understand that the day stretching before us is all that counts. Daydreaming about the party last week, or getting upset all over again about a fight we had yesterday with a friend doesn’t help us right now. When our minds are on the past, we miss out on the conversation or the activity that is going on around us.

Every moment of the day is special and guaranteed to help us grow and understand life. All of us have been taught to pay attention in school or when others talk to us. But we should also pay attention to the birds, the sky, even the grass. And we can learn a lot by paying attention to the conversations going on around us and to the small voice inside us that helps us know right from wrong.

What’s going on today is enough to pay attention to.

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Thanks to Jamie Alessandrine: There is Always Hope! for this.

Photo by Judy Herzanek

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR. When you say, ‘I love you ,’ mean it.

FIVE. When you say, ‘I’m sorry,’ look the person in the eye.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone’s dream. People who don’t have dreams don’t have much.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.

TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN. Don’t judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask, ‘Why do you want to know?’

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say ‘bless you’ when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson !

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R’s: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship..

NINETEEN. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone.. The caller will hear it in your voice.

TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

RESOURCES:
Addiction Recovery Resources for Families of Substance Abusers, Addicts and Alcoholics

Why Don't They Just Quit? by Joe Herzanek
Why Don’t They Just Quit? What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery.

> Paperback

> Audio Book CD, MP3 (NEW!)

> Kindle

> Audible Audio Download  (LISTEN TO 4 MIN. SAMPLE)

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One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a debate that goes on inside people. He said,”My son, the battle between two wolves is inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

The grandson thought about this for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf wins?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

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