Ask “The Addict’s Mom”

“The Addict’s Mom” is a group focusing on the mothers of addicted children. The relationship between the mother and addicted child is unique; that does not diminish the experiences of other family members.

Are you a “Supermom?” It’s time to think about changing.

March 29, 2012 in Al-Anon Related. . ., Ask "The Addict's Mom" by jherzanek | 1 comment

The Addict's Mom Logo#4 Ask the Addict’s Mom

Changing Lives is proud to partner with The Addict’s Mom to bring our readers even more support, hope and friendship.

 


Are you a “Supermom?” It’s time to think about changing.
~By Barbara Theodosiou, Founder, The Addict’s Mom

Question:
Are you a “Supermom?”

My friend called the other day and asked me why I sounded so blue? I replied “what is the point of talking about IT?” She knew what I meant by IT. IT was how I referred to my addicted son. He had been our main topic of conversation for several years. She politely told me that it was not my fault. Just like a spoiled child, I replied “I don’t care if it is my fault or not. All I care about is that my son is dying in front of my eyes.”

A little annoyed and in a very firm tone, she told me “there is not a phone call you could make or a thing you could do anymore that can save your son. Remember Superman?” Of course, I replied. “Picture Lois Lane standing on the railroad tracks, a speeding train approaching, just about to hit her. Then Superman swoops down, stops the train with one hand just in the nick of time and saves Lois. Your son has had his own personal “Superman”– or in this case “Supermom”– who has rescued him his entire life, swooping down in the nick of time again and again to save the day.”

“Just like “Superman” is a TV and movie character, “Supermom” is make-believe too,” my friend continued. “Your son’s dependency on you is very unhealthy and unrealistic. It’s robbing him of one of life’s greatest gifts — the gift of being independent. When you let go of control, your son will be able to experience the natural consequences of life. Only then will he become his own man and the hero of his own life story.”

Even though I felt a little awkward and bruised I couldn’t help but smile. I knew how much my friend loved me and how courageous she had been to tell me the truth. She reinforced for me what I already knew — that it was time for me to make some major changes. My first positive step would be to visualize throwing my cape away, putting my sweatshirt back on and adjusting to being plain old mom again — kind of like going from “Superman” back to Clark Kent!



Barbara Theodosiou“The Addict’s Mom,” founded by Barbara Theodosiou is a group focusing on the mothers of addicted children. The relationship between the mother and addicted child is unique; that does not diminish the experiences of other family members. This group however, is dedicated to addressing the mother’s pain but more importantly, the commonalities of our experiences thus illustrating to the grieving mother that she is not alone nor is she unique in this respect. One line, one thought can help change her perspective for the better. (click here to explore the new Addict’s Mom membership site)

MORE from The Addict’s Mom:
-She Just Couldn’t Do It Anymore
-Expectations for our loved one’s recovery vs. reality
-Visit The Addict’s Mom Website

NEED HELP NOW?
Affordable Phone Counseling for Families Dealing with Substance Abuse
Recovery Resources for Friends, Families and Employers

ASK JOE:
> If someone can stop using drugs or alcohol for weeks at a time, they “aren’t an addict—correct?
>Chronic Pain Management & Pain Pill Addiction: What to do?
>How can I know if my addicted friend or loved one is telling the truth?
>”I need help because I’m not able to deal with my live-in Fiance’s need to get drunk every night.”
>Should my husband “back off?”
>Gambling vs. Drug Addiction? What is your opinion?
>How can I tell if someone is an addict/alcoholic or just a heavy user?
>What is Methadone? What is Harm Reduction?

RETURN:
-from The Addict’s Mom.” Are you a “Supermom?” It’s time to think about changing.”, to Blog Home

 

___________________________
Supermom The Addict’s Mom
The Addict’s Mom Supermom

Pin It
Buffer
email

Tags: ,

“Ask The Addict’s Mom.” Overcoming difficulties living with an addict.

August 18, 2011 in Al-Anon Related. . ., Ask "The Addict's Mom" by jherzanek | 1 comment

 I felt as though I was reborn

The Addict's Mom#3

Changing Lives is proud to partner with The Addict’s Mom
to bring our readers even more support, hope and friendship.

Ask The Addict’s Mom/living with an addict

This question was poised to a member of the Addict’s Mom–Elaine Altman-Eller.We hope it brings insight to the many transitions and difficulties that appear in the life of an Addict’s Mom.Here is a glimpse into the life of one courageous mom.

Question:
When living with an addict, help us understand the process of how things unfolded from the beginning when addiction first entered your life as to how things are in the present moment?

I remember thinking when all this began to unfold in my life, how did it get from where I was to where I am now??? I didn’t like my life that way but how was I to change these dark ways of thinking all of the time? They haunted my very existence and every moment was devoted to negative ways of looking at what was occurring before me. I had no tools to navigate a better way and the ones I was using were hopelessness and despair.

I walked and carried myself as a mother who had been defeated. It was obvious to everyone I was in pain, but when they tried to reach out, I rejected any suggestion I was given because I was blaming the addict and the way I was feeling on everyone else. I had no desire to see things from a different perspective and I was slowly drifting away.

There was a pivotal point (in my life–living with an addict) that came as a blessing–although it did not look like a blessing at the time. It was when my whole life took a turn because there was no fooling anyone when you have to announce that your family is broken to pieces and you are the only one left that hasn’t been incarcerated. Still I felt like an outsider in a world where everything seemed to be wonderful for everyone but me.

I had a bad case of the “why me’s”? Well, why not me? What makes me any different than the thousands of other families that suffer this horrific existence? My only hope was to seek help for me–to realize that as much as I had tried to manage the secret, it was out.

I had to look at myself and change the way I viewed how I would go on. Would I continue this facade or would I become an advocate for myself? I had to create a life that gave me back some dignity and hope. There is no way to fight this battle alone. I know; I tried…I failed.

In reaching out and speaking out, I felt as though I was reborn. I do know now that I can only control my feelings, my reactions and my emotions. I can love my family members, but I cannot live without establishing boundaries and communicating my needs–for them to better understand exactly where the line is drawn.

It may not be the fix they are hoping for; that person is long gone. But it does bring about peace and it lights the way for a better future for everyone, including me…


Barbara Theodosiou“The Addict’s Mom,” founded by Barbara Theodosiou is a group focusing on the mothers of addicted children. The relationship between the mother and addicted child is unique; that does not diminish the experiences of other family members. This group however, is dedicated to addressing the mother’s pain but more importantly, the commonalities of our experiences thus illustrating to the grieving mother that she is not alone nor is she unique in this respect. One line, one thought can help change her perspective for the better. (click here to explore the new Addict’s Mom membership site)

MORE from The Addict’s Mom:
-She Just Couldn’t Do It Anymore
-Expectations for our loved one’s recovery vs. reality
-Visit The Addict’s Mom Website

ASK JOE:
-Addiction. What if they just CAN’T quit?
-Is an addict ever cured?

RETURN:
-from The Addict’s Mom.” Overcoming difficulties living with an addict, to Blog Home

 

living with an addict living with an addict living with an addict

Expectations for our loved one’s recovery vs. reality

August 13, 2011 in Al-Anon Related. . ., Ask "The Addict's Mom" by jherzanek | 3 comments

The Addict's Mom

 

#2

Changing Lives is proud to partner with The Addict’s Mom
to bring our readers even more support, hope and friendship.

This question was posted to all members of  The Addict’s Mom Facebook Group. One of the valued members Elaine Altman-Eller took all the answers and compiled them together to create this collective perspective.  Hope it is helpful in better understanding the “Expectations vs. Reality” in the recovery process of a loved one.

Question:
How do our expectations of the recovery experience for our loved ones differ from the reality of their recovery?

Answers:
Our expectations are just that; they are formulated ideas in our minds as to what the addict should do, how they should go about doing it and how we feel they should go about accomplishing it. The reality is that it’s their disease and their recovery.  For instance, they may have an expectation that after a specific amount of time, they should have our trust back, and we may be under the illusion that they have already earned our trust, simply by agreeing to enter into recovery. Truth is regaining trust as well as losing trust takes time. We have to remember to use caution without offending, and the addict must be willing to accept this emotional limitation.

Our expectations may lead us to believe that once in a program, life will resume as it once was. The reality is that we as Mother’s must reprogram our thought process to a healthier and more productive supportive system. Mothers tend to believe they love unconditionally so this seems like an insurmountable task and completely against nature. Our roles as caregivers must take on a new meaning. 

The reality is that most often things will be revealed that we were never aware of and couldn’t possibly imagine. We must be open-minded and willing to accept these revelations in order to move forward. Open and honest communication is the key; sometimes the reality of that can sting. There are many gripping realisms of this challenge.

The addict owns their addiction and cannot, should not, be forced to take on your feelings of disappointment. They have to navigate their own recovery the way it was meant to unfold, with only emotional support from us.  We own what we contributed and they own what they have done.

We should seek treatment so we don’t fall back into the same damaging patterns as before. Expectations can set you up for disappointment, but you cannot expect any person to live up to your ideas of recovery. The reality is, it is an individual journey and an individual effort. The expectation of the addict becoming clean as quickly as they became addicted is one of the harshest realities for a loved one to experience.

Fact is: the disease of addiction is a roller-coaster of emotions on the part of everyone who is actively involved in the addict’s life.  The addict expects the enabler’s behavior to remain the same as it was prior to entering recovery; in fact they have learned to rely on it. It is vitally important that all the family members enter into recovery.
Barbara Theodosiou“The Addict’s Mom,” founded by Barbara Theodosiou is a group focusing on the mothers of addicted children. The relationship between the mother and addicted child is unique; that does not diminish the experiences of other family members. This group however, is dedicated to addressing the mother’s pain but more importantly, the commonalities of our experiences thus illustrating to the grieving mother that she is not alone nor is she unique in this respect. One line, one thought can help change her perspective for the better. (click here to explore the new Addict’s Mom membership site)

 

 

MORE from The Addict’s Mom:
-She Just Couldn’t Do It Anymore

-Visit The Addict’s Mom Website

ASK JOE:
-“I need help because I’m not able to deal with my live-in fiance’s need to get drunk every night”

RETURN:
-from The Addict’s Mom.” Expectations for Our Loved One’s Recovery vs. Reality, to Blog Home

 

expectations Al-Anon unconditional love addicted loved-one alanon

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Addict’s Mom. She just couldn’t do it anymore.

July 27, 2011 in Al-Anon Related. . ., Ask "The Addict's Mom" by jherzanek | 15 comments

The Addict's MomChanging Lives is proud to partner with The Addict’s Mom
to bring our readers even more support, hope and friendship.

This question was asked of a member of Addict’s Mom, Teri Murgia. She is a recovering prescription drug addict and the mother of an addict who now dedicates her life to helping others who are suffering.  It is a powerful lesson she shared about enabling, and how her mother’s decision to walk away changed her life.

Question:
When your Mother found the courage to stop the enabling process by walking out on you when you were facing uncertain death how did that make you feel in your heart?


Answer:
~by Teri Murgia
The day my Mother found the courage to walk out of my hospital room was the day I had made another personal attempt to end my life. She just couldn’t do it anymore. My Mother had already lost two children by this time, her heart was broken into a million pieces and all she could do was fall to her knees and cry out to GOD!

My first thought when she walked out of the room that day confirmed what I was feeling “even my own Mother couldn’t love me”. Then all the feelings of anger, bitterness and sometimes even a bit of hatred flooded my thoughts. What kind of Mother could walk away from their only daughter? How could someone be so cold and unfeeling?  Her last words to me that day were,  “I AM NOT GOING TO SIT BACK AND WATCH YOU KILL YOURSELF ANYMORE; IF YOU WANT TO DIE THAT’S YOUR CHOICE BUT I WON’T BE HERE TO WATCH IT!!” And she left.

It was that day when my long and difficult journey toward recovery began. You see . . .  my Mother made the ultimate choice that day; she chose her life. She knew her life was worth something and she was no longer going to allow my addiction to destroy it!  She was no longer going to be a victim of my destructive behavior.

Today I live my life grateful that she had the courage to walk away–as it was the very thing I needed–to begin my recovery. Thank you MOM, I love you! 
Barbara Theodosiou“The Addict’s Mom,” founded by Barbara Theodosiou is a group focusing on the mothers of addicted children. The relationship between the mother and addicted child is unique; that does not diminish the experiences of other family members. This group however, is dedicated to addressing the mother’s pain but more importantly, the commonalities of our experiences thus illustrating to the grieving mother that she is not alone nor is she unique in this respect. One line, one thought can help change her perspective for the better. (click here to explore the new Addict’s Mom membership site)

 

MORE from The Addict’s Mom:
-Overcoming difficulties living with an addict
-Expectations for our loved one’s recovery vs. reality
-Visit The Addict’s Mom Website

ASK JOE:
-Addiction. What if they just CAN’T quit?
-Is an addict ever cured?

RETURN:
-from The Addict’s Mom. ”She just couldn’t do it anymore”, to Blog Home

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,