Ask Joe
You are currently browsing the archive for the Ask Joe category.
Learn why this disease is often called “insidious.”
Author/Addiction Counselor and Professional Interventionist Joe Herzanek answers this and more in the DVD “The 10 Toughest Questions Families and Friends Ask About Addiction and Recovery. (http://www.whydonttheyjustquit.com/)
Tags: AA, addict, addiction, addiction help, addiction recovery, addictions help, addictions video, addicts help, Al-Anon, alanon, alanon group, alcohol abuse Intervention, alcohol help, alcoholic, alcoholic help, alcoholism help, allanon, changing lives foundation, help an addict, help for addiction, help for family of addicts, Why Don't they Just Quit
We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol
and that our lives had become unmanageable.
—Step One, AA 12-Steps
After many years in recovery,
I know that I must not forget
this one principle–I will
always be an addict.
–Joe Herzanek
Whether you are a fan of twelve-step programs or not, the first step an attendee will hear offers a great deal of wisdom. The alcoholic/addict should never venture into the world without remembering the important bit of knowledge that Step One provides: Chemically dependent people will not ever be able to gain control over their substance use. Millions of addicted people have tried, and many have even died trying. Not one person has ever successfully returned to social use.
Admitting Powerlessness
After many years in recovery, I know that I must not forget this one principle–I will always be an addict. Confusion on this matter can lead to disastrous results. My substance use took me places I didn’t want to go, cost me more than I wanted to pay and kept me longer than I wanted to stay. My addiction is now in remission. Just the same, it is alive and well–ready to inflict a lot of pain on me. To forget this would be my greatest mistake.
I have a friend who owns a treatment center in the Colorado Rocky Mountains called Jaywalker Lodge. He accepts only men who are highly motivated to change. The program is a four-month-minimum-stay facility, cash only, no insurance. The entire focus is on Step One. It’s for men who have made several attempts to quit, only to find themselves stumbling again and again. Frustrated and broken, they arrive at the treatment center willing to do whatever it takes to regain their sobriety. This facility teaches men that the key to recovery starts with a true admission of powerlessness.
Once a recovering addict is convinced of their inability to ever control their using, they will no longer attempt to do so if they want to maintain their recovery. Incorporating Step One into a person’s life requires a daily ongoing shift in thinking–sometimes referred to as “one day at a time.” Lifelong recovery obviously involves much more than this one crucial admission. Recovery and rebuilding what was lost takes substantial time and effort. But it will all be in vain if this one fundamental principle is forgotten.
A Humbling Realization
Once the power or ability to control how much a person can use is lost, it is lost forever. Any attempt to regain control is futile. This applies to the user who is brand new to recovery as well as to someone with over two decades of abstinence. No one is tougher than addiction, and it’s one wound that time cannot heal. You, as a person close to the situation, should understand this fundamental step as a foundational principle.
It’s a humbling realization.
This article is excerpted from the book “Why Don’t They Just Quit?“
Sign up for our Free Monthly E-Newsletter!
*NEED HELP NOW?
Drug Addiction Phone Counseling for Families Dealing with Substance Abuse
______________________________________________________________________
powerless over alcohol powerless over alcohol powerless over alcohol
September 15, 2010 by jherzanek |
Click here to watch
This clip is excerpted from the new DVD
The 10 Toughest Questions
Families and Friends Ask About Addiction and Recovery
What if they just CAN’T quit?
Learn the truth to this often misunderstood notion that some people “just can’t quit.” Author/Addiction Counselor and Professional Interventionist Joe Herzanek answers this and much more in the book “Why Don’t They Just Quit?”
NEED HELP NOW?
Drug Addiction Phone Counseling and Intervention for Families Dealing with Substance Abuse
Tags: AA, addict, addiction, addiction help, addiction recovery, addictions help, addictions video, addicts help, Al-Anon, Al-Anon literature, alanon, alanon group, alanon help, alanon literature, alcohol addiction help, changing lives foundation, help for family of addicts, Joe Herzanek, just quit, Why Don't they Just Quit
Ask Joe:
Q. Why is addiction called an “insidious” disease?
A. Because it is.
Insidious: working or spreading harmfully in a subtle or stealthy
manner. awaiting a chance to entrap; treacherous. harmful but enticing.
Developing so gradually as to be well established before becoming
apparent. —Webster’s Dictionary
“Insidious” means to spread harm in a subtle manner; to entrap in a seductive way. Addicts or alcoholics may be the last ones to realize their dependence problem. The drug works in a seductive manner and its victim often doesn’t realize what has happened until it’s too late—a housewife realizes that she needs a glass of wine to keep her hands from trembling; a college student realizes that he drove home the previous night but can’t remember doing so; a businessman finds that he needs to have multiple drinks throughout the day to maintain his façade.
At this stage, the addict is often living in denial, trying to prove to himself and the world that he is in control. No one likes to admit that they have been tricked. This is exactly what the drug is able to do. For the user, it is as though their best friend has betrayed them. Because of this slow and gradual process, most addicts aren’t aware of what is happening to them and don’t understand the changes taking place in their bodies and minds.
When a user’s brain ceases to function normally, he is no longer able to see clearly. People in recovery will often look back and say that it was as if their brain had been hijacked. This is why intervention is so important.
Excerpted from the revised/updated edition of: Why Don’t They Just Quit? What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery
Part 5: Q&A with Joe
NEED HELP NOW?
Drug Addiction Phone Counseling for Families Dealing with Substance Abuse
Tags: addiction, addicts, alcoholics, Author Joe Herzanek, changing lives foundation, Chaplain Joe Herzanek, drug dependence, insidious, Joe Herzanek, Why Don't they Just Quit
Q. Isn’t addiction just a willpower problem?
A. No.
When men or women begin using alcohol or drugs, willpower does play an important role. Deciding to drink or use drugs the first few times is simply a choice. The person may find the initial experiences enjoyable and pleasurable, but that doesn’t make them an addict or alcoholic. Certain drugs can have a much more powerful effect than others, which the user may want to repeat. Just the same, it takes time to become physically and mentally dependent.
Over time, the brain and central nervous system will expect the drug to come in from the outside. This is where physical dependence begins: stopping the use now will result in some signs of withdrawal. Mental or psychological dependence also plays a role in addiction. Once the person develops a physical and mental dependency (i.e. an obsession), willpower becomes less effective. The longer a person continues to use and build tolerance, the more difficult it is to just quit with willpower alone.
There is much to be said regarding this subject of willpower, or lack of it. Many recovering people swear, If not for a power greater than myself, I would still be using. Many addicts who recognize their need to quit do not want to quit. Where then will this desire come from?
Whether this power comes from the person’s spiritual life, or the power of their group or caring friends, recovering people recognize that sheer willpower does not work for them. At some point in recovery, a desire to stop using manifests itself in a person’s consciousness.
Call it what you will; I call this a miracle.
–Joe Herzanek
~ Footprints in the Sand ~
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord, that if I followed you, you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there has only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied,
“The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child,
is when I carried you.”
–Author (still) unknown
This article is excerpted from the 2010 Revised and updated book “Why Don’t They JUST QUIT? What friends and families need to know about addiction and recovery.“
Article photos by Judy Herzanek
NEED HELP NOW?
Drug Addiction Phone Counseling for Families Dealing with Substance Abuse
January 14, 2010 by jherzanek |
Ask Joe:
My 50-year-old daughter will not admit she is drinking. She has lost her job, her drivers license–and her husband will soon be getting a divorce (he drinks). He is afraid he will lose his half of the house so he hasn’t left, and he does drive her places.
Your book has been a godsend. I have a guideline. I no longer say hurtful things to her. My problem is I cannot be honest with her or she hangs up the phone on me. She goes to AA meetings, comes home and gets drunk. She then calls me and I just don’t know how to deal with her and be honest. Please help me.
–Angela B.
Dear Angela,
What a sad story. There is not a lot that you can do, especially considering her age. If she is difficult to talk to, you may try writing her a letter (you could share your concerns and frustration and not have someone shouting at you while your doing it).
The good news is that it’s not too late. She can quit and begin a new life if she wants to badly enough.
If it were me I would let her know, in no uncertain terms, that you have had all you can take. I would tell her that you do not want to see her or talk to her again until she has at least 60 days of complete sobriety. If she is going to AA she knows what to do and there is plenty of help available to her from the other members.
You do not deserve to be going through the hell that she is putting you through. She is not a teenager she is FIFTY YEARS OLD.
Detachment and a firm dose of tough love are her only hope. You can do this.
If not now–when? How much more time do you (and she) want to waste?
Grace and peace,
–Joe
NEED HELP NOW?
Drug Addiction Phone Counseling for Families Dealing with Substance Abuse
Tags: AA, Addicted child, adult alcoholic, Al-Anon, alan, alanon, alanon advice, alcoholism denial, Ask Joe, Chaplain Joe Herzanek, detachment, how to help an alcoholic, Joe Herzanek, tough love
So. . . why don’t they just quit?
Some recent posts from “Dad on Fire” blog:
ORIGINAL POST:
Rewiring the brain against addiction is an idea that holds the key to the answer. Having known suffering drug addicts, its safe to say that “just quitting” is not an answer. The Depression that goes along with addiction, often predicating the need for drugs to begin with is a key area of study. Dual Demons! as it called, continually feeds into the reality of repeated relapse. Addiction is a disease that requires the equivalent focus in dollars and effort of the drug war itself. Once we get big Insurance and big Pharma to play the game of real recovery we can start poking holes in the sails of drug trade. De-criminalizing addiction would cripple illegal drug trade. Imagine a world of compassion, recovery and freedom from addiction.
Joe Herzanek:
Maybe they don’t quit because it’s hard to quit and people don’t like to do things that are hard or challenging. And why bother anyway as long as someone else will come along behind and clean up the mess. Can they quit is a better question and the answer is yes. Sure they need help and no one does it alone but that help will start to come out of the woodwork once they reach out for it, once they swallow their pride. The role of the concerned person or family member is to help them want to, not to look at them as victims. How about imagining a little tough love.
dadonfire
I am with you on the tough love. If it were not for tough love, some addicts wouldn’t get any love at all. So what do you do with the constant stream of 8 million or drug addicts that seem to stay “hooked” and that are dragging themselves down and everything they touch “lock them up in forced rehab” what do you think of the impact of dual diagnosis, the impact of hard drugs on brain chemistry, the costs to our communities, etc. . . looking for solutions, answers, ideas, stuff to post.
Joe Herzanek
I think we have made this much more complicated than it needs to be. Treatment is a great place to begin the journey. Once the person leaves they must follow-up with a support group that meets every day. I do not know of any group that even comes close to the AA 12 Step model. I don’t care if they WANT TO GO or not. The sick person is not in a position to create his or her own treatment program. If my son or daughter were in trouble this is what I would tell them to do. If they don’t like it at first that’s too bad. Imagine a diabetic telling his doctor he just doesn’t want to take insulin. I’ve been in the field for over thirty years and all I’m suggesting is what I have personally seen work the vast majority of the time (like over 90%).
Co-occurring disorders will often take care of themselves after the person stops poisoning his/her brain. It will take at least a few weeks or maybe many months. Too many people want things fixed NOW–so they listen to some “psych” tell them about a special drug and they start to play a chemistry game with the brain. In some cases these meds do make a big difference but they are way over-prescribed. Nothing will ever take the place of talk therapy–nothing. So let’s try a big dose of that first. I have heard more than a few psychiatrists say that many of these drugs often only make things worse. Adding more and more meds should be a last resort.
So how do we stop the ever growing number of people from coming into addiction? In my humble opinion you need to start when they are young, as in small children. Kids spell love T-I-M-E. The more time we invest in our children early in life will make a huge difference. This is by no means a guarantee but it is something we have been lacking in our culture for quite a while. Single-parent homes and absentee parents who pop in on their weekends for some “quality time” ain’t working. One of the best books I have ever read on this issue is Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline. Also, Before it’s too late, by Stanton Samenow.
So what about the 20-something or 30-something or 40-something person who is already in big trouble (or the adolescent, for that matter). What do we do for them? Empathy and a mixture of tough love is what seems to be most effective.
Concerned loved ones and family members need to not only read about what works best but then also start doing what’s best. No more enabling the insanity to continue.
Regards, Joe
* Have you “tried everything?” To learn about individual counseling with Joe Herzanek (in person or by phone) click here.
Tags: Al-Anon, alanon, Ask Joe, Co-occuring disorders, drug abuse
ASK JOE
Q:
Dear Joe:
My son went to rehab for 30 days and just got out of jail (45 days). He is back living with my husband and me. My husband calls him constantly during the day to see what he is doing, He averages at least once an hour. When my son gets ready to go out for a walk or a bike ride, my husband right away is on him with 20 questions.
Am I wrong to think that all the questions and constantly checking on my son is pushing him back into trouble? When my son went to jail, he had a fight with his dad and ended up getting caught doing drugs. He ended up getting arrested and we did leave him there for the 45 days (His drug of choice is heroin). I feel that my husband needs to back off or my son will be back to the drugs. How are we supposed to treat our son?
I have read your book and really learned a lot from it. I even passed it along to a friend of mine that was going through her son’s problem with Vicodin and alcohol.
Walking on eggshells in Illinois,
~ Julie E., Chicago, Ill
A:
Dear Julie,
I agree, your husband is putting undue pressure on your son right now. Showing some concern and wanting to encourage is a good thing.
Being suspicious of his every move will only make things worse. It sounds like you’re already doing many things right especially letting him sit in jail. Your son going through thirty days of treatment was also a plus.
The next stage of recovery is ongoing support. Is he going to some kind of group that talks about staying away from drugs and alcohol? AA or NA are the two obvious places to go. NO ONE recovers all by themselves. Going to meetings, working the 12 Steps, and getting a sponsor are the most important three signs of a willingness to do whatever it takes. If he will do this he will succeed.
They talked a lot about this when he was in treatment. If they didn’t I would be very surprised.
I would tell dad to back off some. If your son wants to use dad can’t stop it anyway.
Keep in mind that recovery is a process. I don’t know your sons age but if he is in his late teens or early twenties then he is still an adolescent in some ways.
Be sure to take care of yourself while dealing with all the above. Al-anon is something to consider, or even some “open” AA meetings. Ask his treatment center for guidance as well. There are resources available.
With effort and time this can all pass and life can be much more enjoyable again. Sometimes it’s a matter of just getting them from here to there.
People can and do recover all the time. Your son is no exception. If he wants change bad enough he will make it happen.
Best regards,
~ Chaplain Joe
Boulder County Jail
NEED HELP NOW?
Affordable Phone Counseling for Families Dealing with Substance Abuse
_____________________________________________
son went to rehab, son went to rehab, son went to rehab
Tags: AA, Addict Son, Addicted child, addicted son, addiction recovery, alcoholic son, alcoholic teen, Ask Joe, Author Joe Herzanek, changing lives foundation, Chaplain Joe Herzanek, help for alcoholic, parenting adolescents, parenting an addict, rehab, Son in rehab, Why Don't they Just Quit, whydonttheyjustquit
ASK JOE
Dear Joe,
Dear Joe,
My 18-year-old daughter has had drug and alcohol problems off and on for the past four years, trying to deal with being molested and tensions in our marriage. This fall she did heavy drugs and narcotics as well as selling them at college. She came home after her first semester of college, in debt, flunking the majority of her classes, and unable to continue her education until she repays in full.
We are unable to afford paying and think it’s a good life lesson for her to be held accountable for this debt. She is living with her grandmother now after much tension at home. How can I trust and forgive her when she doesn’t feel sorry for hurting us after detox? She is frustrated that we seem to have cut her off. She wants support and credit for “supposedly” staying clean and working although she has refused any more treatment or support groups.
There is very little communication between us since she won’t respond to any texts or phone calls from my husband or me. The only time she does reply is when she wants something from the house. I feel rejected, betrayed, and distrustful with the way she treats her brother. She had become physically as well as verbally abusive with him the last fours years. It is tearing me up for our family to be like this.
All I do is pray and keep my distance, guarding my son and myself. How can I be supportive and forgiving when I am so hurt?
–Carrie H., Bend, OR
Dear Carrie,
Sorry you have to deal with so much from your young daughter. I’m not sure where to start but I’ll try to offer some advice that I pray is helpful.
You mentioned a sexual assault that occurred, I’m assuming about four years ago. This is a very big issue that, all by itself, requires lots of time (a few years or so) and wise counsel to work through. Many, many young girls and boys have this background and it is a major problem and instigator for substance abuse.
She is psychologically damaged but can, at some point, accept that it is part of her past and move on with her life. The wound can heal but the scar tissue will remain. Obviously she should receive lots of sympathy and empathy for this. It is imperative that she receives wise counsel from a professional. Help is out there but there are no quick solutions. The memory of this must be crushing to her. Again, drug use will ease the pain for a short period of time but the consequences of using them just creates one more thing to cope with. Seek professional help for this. It may take time and work to find the right person.
Next, you have the fact that she is an adolescent–which is a phase of life that has its own unique challenges. Her brain is “under construction” and she does not yet have the coping skills of an adult. So many questions that need answers are going through her head. Add the assault on top of that and you have a combination that will only get resolved with time and counseling.
Regardless of all the above, the drug and alcohol use must stop. Your challenge is to find the right combination of empathy and tough love to help her see the light. For now empathy should be on the top of the list. Her anger, outbursts, and even rage at times is her way of saying life’s not fair and why did this happen to me? (which has no clear answer). In reality, as an adult we all come to realize that life is not fair and we find ways to accept this sad fact of life. She is screaming for answers that are just not there.
For the family, it is important to accept that right now she is broken and needs to heal. She will not always be this way; she does not like being in all of this pain and will change back to her old self over time. There is a solution and she will eventually find it–but for now this is the way it is.
So what can a father, mother, or sibling do to help? As hard as it may be–you must not react to her angry hateful attitude. By that I mean you should think–and then act. Think more long-term; tell yourselves “this to shall pass.” She is young–too young to be handling all she has on her plate. The future will be better. Work on your own self-talk. Get counseling for the family as you wait for the process to work itself out.
She needs to be in some type of support group for her (supposed “past”) drug use.
She would benefit greatly from a mentor–another young woman who is a bit older who could come alongside her and just be a friend–someone who listens without judging and in a way, holds her hand while she walks through the dark valley she is in. This too may require much effort to find the right person, but the payoff could be huge. This must be another female. The 12-step program talks about getting a sponsor and this mentor could be in the program but in my opinion does not have to be. I believe the “right” person is out there. Just start the search.
Your daughter is struggling with PTSD. She went through an extremely horrific event that will be with her for some time (most likely, forever). The substance use is her way of coping with memories/flashbacks of the assault. You can’t tell someone like this to just “get over it.” Talking with a trained counselor over several sessions is a must. Each session will hopefully drain more poison out of her wound. Eventually she can get to the place where she’s worked through it enough that she can mentally move on. Many young women have lived through the same sort of thing, their wounds have healed and they were able to reach a point where they could trust again.
Finally, and I have no idea where you or your family are spiritually, but prayer is anther powerful resource to take advantage of. Some churches have youth group leaders who might be able to help find a mentor as well.
You really can get past this time in your family’s life and come out stronger on the other side. As far as being supportive and forgiving when you are so hurt–just remember that as long as you are supporting anything positive regarding her recovery, it should be fairly easy. Of course, you aren’t going to support anything that hinders her recovery. Forgiveness and trust may take time, but just take it one day at a time. Never give up hope!
I’ll keep you in my prayers.
Best regards,
Joe
Sign up for our Free E-Newsletter!
* Have you “tried everything?” To learn about individual counseling with Joe Herzanek (in person or by phone) click here.
drug and alcohol problems, recovery, forgive, drug and alcohol problems,
recovery, forgive, drug and alcohol problems, recovery, forgive,
Tags: AA, addict, addicted spouse, addicted teen, addiction, Al-Anon, alanon, alanon meeting, alcoholic, Celebrate Recovery, changing lives foundation, Christian recovery, drug and alcohol problems, forgive, Herzanek, Joe Herzanek, just quit, quit drugs, recovery, Why Don't they Just Quit
Free Recovery Audio CD!
Listen in your car or share with a friend or relative. (See bottom of this block for details)
Over the past couple years I have taped various radio interviews. Among these were several with a wonderful weekly show called “Recovery Now!”
Host Ned Wicker and I have engaged in easygoing discussions which cover a multitude of topics. A while back Ned wrote to me:
“Thanks so much for visiting with us yesterday. Your passion, your heart and your vast knowledge came through so strongly. We know the listeners will be touched by your story.
We would very much like to have you on again in the future. There are so many topics and hot button issues for people. You are a strong guest and make the show so easy for us. I’ve done radio for over 30 years and have been through the drudgery of “yes and no” responses. The best radio happens when a conversation takes place. You made that happen.”
CLICK HERE TO LISTEN
NOTE: After clicking on link, scroll down to the corresponding dates:
September 15, 2008:
Joe Herzanek introduces his discussion of “Why Don’t They JUST QUIT?” a book (and DVD) he has written to explain all aspects of drug addiction and alcoholism. He has much experience dealing with drug addiction and alcoholism as he has spent the last 15 years working at the Boulder County Jail helping those struggling with addiction to overcome it.
September 22, 2008:
Joe Herzanek continues his discussion . . .
November 24, 2008:
Joe Herzanek discusses Step 6 of the Twelve Step program: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. A subtle but very key step in your recovery.
Keep checking back for–Step 12: giving back to others can help you stay in your recovery and really enjoy of full life. Also, a summary of the 12 Step program. Joe helps describe why each step is key to recovery.
Joe will be speaking on Steps 6 & 7 in July. Stay tuned!
To get your FREE AUDIO CD:
(Sept. 15 & 22 Recovery Now! shows, plus Joe’s recent 60 minute interview with Berk Lewis “Next Step Radio”)
Email us: at whydonttheyjustquit@gmail.com
Ask for the FREE AUDIO CD, include your name and mailing address.
Sign up for our Free Changing Lives Monthly E-Newsletter! (packed with tips, stories and articles)
* Have you “tried everything?” To learn about phone counseling with Joe Herzanek call 303.775.6493
or
Discover more about phone counseling
______________________________________________________________________
Free Recovery CD Free Recovery CD Free Recovery CD Free Recovery CD
Tags: addiction books, addiction help, addiction recovery, addictions help, addictions video, addictionvideos.com, addicts help, Al-Anon, Al-Anon literature, alanon, alanon ca, alanon group, alanon help, alanon literature, alanon manhattan, alanon steps, alcohol addiction help, alcohol help, alcoholic help, alcoholism help, alcoholism.about.com, allanon, changing lives foundation, drug help, drug use help, drugs help, Free Audio CD, help an addict, help for addiction, help for addicts, help for alcoholic, help for alcoholics, help for alcoholism, help for drug, help for family of addicts, how to beat addiction, how to help a drug addict, how to help an addict, just quit, Recovery CD, Why Don't they Just Quit, whydonttheyjustquit
Is it a good idea for my teen to drink at home under my supervision?
No.
Some parents have come to believe that their teen is better off drinking or even smoking pot at home rather then out driving around with friends. Some parents think that it is really cool to throw a graduation party with booze for their underage child and all their friends—complete with an off-duty police guard who will take their car keys and not give them back till the next morning.
This is a bad idea—and not just for legal issues. The message that it sends to an adolescent is, I believe you have no self-control; you’re going to use drugs no matter what, so use them at home where you’ll be safe. Adolescent brains are still under construction and substance use at an early age is not good for the brain. Even though your teen may experiment anyway, it is important to not condone such behavior. No matter what teens may say or even think—they do not need their parents to be their friends, nor should they expect parents to be their rescuers. They need strong parental guidance.
Someone has to be the adult in the relationship.
http://www.whydonttheyjustquit.com/
Sign up for our Free Changing Lives Bi-Monthly E-Newsletter!
* Have you “tried everything?” To learn about individual counseling with Joe Herzanek (in person or by phone) click here.
Parent-Sponsored Drinking, Teen Drinking, Parent-Sponsored Drinking, Teen Drinking
Tags: alcohol, alcohol family help, graduation, graduation parties, Parent sponsored drinking, parenting adolescents, teen addictions, teen drinking, tough love
Are parents required to go to Al-Anon meetings?
This is worth sharing. I just received a request from a loving, concerned mother who wants to do the right thing to support her son, but is puzzled about some “information” she recently received.
Let us know what YOU think:
Hi ,
I have a son that is in rehab for alchohol for the third time. He seems to be doing well this time. He is choosing to live in another state and wants to keep in touch as little as possible. As his Mother this is difficult for me to accept but I want to do what is best for him. I have attended A-Anon and not found it helpful–only more depressing. I have a very strong faith and find strength through that. My son is hurt that his Father and I aren’t attending Al-Anon. Any suggestions?
RM
Dear RM,
It can be a challenge to find a good Al-Anon group but well worth it if you do.
You might also find it helpful to attend an occasional Open AA meeting.
Lots to learn there. Maybe it will help your son to see you want to be more involved. Anything that will encourage him is great.
Strong faith is a wonderful asset (-:
Blessings, Joe
Dear Joe,
Thank you for responding so quickly.
I am willing to try again and have wanted to attend an AA meeting , so I will look into doing that. My husband and I understand that he will feel supported if we go, but isn’t Al-Anon for us? We do not feel responsible or blame ourselves in any way for his choices. He is 27 and grew up in a loving supportive Christian home. His choices have been his and he owns up to them.
His fiance lives near us and has been close to us for 5 years. She attends our Bible study class we have in our home. However, we received an email telling us she can’t be around us unless we attend Al-Anon and work the program! We were hurt and are confused as to if they are being guided to separate from the family.
I love my son with all that I am and although it is so painful to be away from him and not talk to him it saddens me to no end. However, knowing he is working on getting healthy and staying sober is all I can ask for right now.
I lost my Mother this past summer, my daughter married and moved away and so did my son. I am currently looking for a counselor to help me with all of this loss in my life and understand my son’s addiction. Thank you for the email.
Sincerely,
RM
Hi RM,
I would ask your son where he came up with the idea that you must attend meetings. You could–if you felt a need for a therapy group but it is not written anywhere that you must.
Ask him if his sponsor agrees with him on this. (If so, he should look for another). I’m 31 years clean and sober and I haven’t read anything that REQUIRES family members to attend groups.
It may be helpful but is optional.
It’s like the patient/recovering person telling the Dr./healthy person how to get well. If anybody needs to cut anybody some slack it should be the other way around.
He’ll mature over time.
Best, Joe
Sign up for our Free Changing Lives Bi-Monthly E-Newsletter!
* Have you “tried everything?” To learn about individual counseling with Joe Herzanek (in person or by phone) click here.
required to go to Alanon, required to go to Al-Anon, required to go to Alanon, required to go to Al-Anon
Tags: AA, Al-Anon, Al-Anon Meetings, alanon, alcoholic child, alcoholism, Family recovery, recovery
I have a friend that has just started using Meth. I’m scared and don’t know what to do.
If you are pretty certain about this then you must act. This is like saying,”I have a friend who is using a little Heroin once in a while” but worse. You can’t be worried about him/her getting mad or upset with you. This is one drug that will consume a person quickly–very quickly! I would get some wise counsel, i.e. a local professional, and confront the person now. You may want to talk with a treatment center about an intervention. They know how to approach this problem. Don’t try to handle it all by yourself. It is never too early to act–concerning Meth. You just might save a life.
Sign up for our Free Changing Lives Bi-Monthly E-Newsletter!
* Have you “tried everything?” To learn about individual counseling with Joe Herzanek (in person or by phone) click here.
Chaplain Joe Herzanek
Changing Lives Foundation/President
Author: Why Don’t They JUST QUIT?
www.changinglivesfoundation.org
www.whydonttheyjustquit.com
Friend using Meth Friend using Meth Friend using Meth
Tags: addict, addiction books, addiction help, addiction recovery, addictions help, addictions video, addictionvideos.com, addicts help, Al-Anon, Al-Anon literature, alanon, alanon ca, alanon group, alanon help, alanon literature, alanon manhattan, alanon steps, alcohol addiction help, alcohol help, alcoholic help, alcoholism help, alcoholism.about.com, allanon, changing lives foundation, drug help, drug use help, drugs, drugs help, Friend using Meth, help an addict, help for addiction, help for addicts, help for alcoholic, help for alcoholics, help for alcoholism, help for drug, help for family of addicts, how to beat addiction, how to help a drug addict, how to help an addict, just quit, Meth, Meth addict, Methamphetamine, Why Don't they Just Quit, whydonttheyjustquit
Here is one question that I just responded to via Linkedin.
Can someone be totally set free from alcohol or drug addiction?
First let’s get a definition of the problem. Alcohol or drug dependency shows up as a loss of control over the ability to use socially. It’s been called a chronic relapsing disease that gets progressively worse over time if not arrested. It is fatal.
So if you’re asking, “Is there a cure?” the answer is no. No one has ever been able to return to social use, regain control–who was truly an alcoholic or an addict. That does not mean there is no solution.
Anyone who wants to badly enough–can completely stop their use and begin the journey of recovery. It is not easy in the beginning–but it does get easier over time. If the “want to” is there, people can quit and enjoy a life without alcohol or other drugs. Most will need some support group to get the ball rolling.
They will always be an alcoholic or addict BUT their disease can be–and can stay in remission if they choose to keep I there.
Sign up for our Free Changing Lives Bi-Monthly E-Newsletter!
NEED HELP NOW?
Affordable Phone Counseling for Families Dealing with Substance Abuse
Joe Herzanek
Changing Lives Foundation/President
Author: Why Don’t They JUST QUIT?
www.changinglivesfoundation.org
www.whydonttheyjustquit.com
free from alcohol free from drug addiction free from alcohol, free from drug addiction
Tags: addiction books, addiction help, addiction recovery, addictions help, addictions video, addicts help, Al-Anon, Al-Anon literature, alanon, alanon ca, alanon group, alanon help, alanon literature, alanon manhattan, alanon steps, alcohol addiction help, alcohol help, alcoholic help, alcoholism help, alcoholism.about.com, allanon, changing lives foundation, drug help, drug use help, drugs help, free from alcohol, free from drug addiction, help an addict, help for addiction, help for addicts, help for alcoholic, help for alcoholics, help for alcoholism, help for drug, help for family of addicts, how to beat addiction, how to help a drug addict, how to help an addict, just quit, Set free, Why Don't they Just Quit, whydonttheyjustquit
ASK JOE
Q
Dear Joe,
Your book “Why Don’t They JUST QUIT?” was very helpful. My son, (16) was in serious danger with drinking and drugs. He was not doing well in school, criminal behavior, withdrawn from the family, and very angry with me.
The final straw was when he got arrested for possession of pot and continued to use, fight and be angry with me. Joe, I sent him to a residential treatment center. He’s done amazingly well there and have gone to visit him several times.
He will be returning home this Thursday-coming home to the same friends & environment. Any advice? I know he still holds a lot of past anger with me.
Traci (San Antonio, TX)
A
You have done the right thing by getting him into rehab. Just the same it will be very difficult for him to transition back to school life and other teens. Alcohol and substances (smoking pot) are very common for that age group. I’m sure this is not new information.
Don’t be shocked if he decides to ‘test the water again’ so to speak. If so, just encourage him to get back to using the skills he’s learned while in treatment and keep trying. You have caught this very early.
A temporary relocation could help if that is a possibility. Keeping him very busy will be a good idea as well. Strongly encourage and support any positive things he may be interested in.
Another option would be to find a mentor for him–someone a little older (20ish) that will come alongside and encourage him. The right person could make all the difference in the world. He is not likely to be open and honest talking about the challenges he has with ‘mom or dad.’
I don’t know if you are connected with a church at all but some of the larger ones have youth group leaders that might be able to help find a mentor. There are other organizations as well that can be of assistance.
Lastly, keep in mind his age. This is a tough time for many kids under the best of circumstances. DON’T expect anything close to perfection. This is the beginning of a long journey. Some things just take time. Seek wise counsel for yourself during this process. Let me know how it goes from time to time.
Best regards,
Joe
Sign up for our Free Changing Lives Bi-Monthly E-Newsletter!
* Have you “tried everything?” To learn about individual counseling with Joe Herzanek (in person or by phone) click here.
Son in Danger, Drinking and Drugs, Son in Danger, Drinking and Drugs
Tags: addiction books, addiction help, addiction recovery, addictions help, addictions video, addictionvideos.com, addicts help, Al-Anon, Al-Anon literature, alanon, alanon ca, alanon group, alanon help, alanon literature, alanon manhattan, alanon steps, alcohol addiction help, alcohol help, alcoholic help, alcoholism help, alcoholism.about.com, allanon, changing lives foundation, drug help, drug use help, drugs help, help an addict, help for addiction, help for addicts, help for alcoholic, help for alcoholics, help for alcoholism, help for drug, help for family of addicts, how to beat addiction, how to help a drug addict, how to help an addict, just quit, Why Don't they Just Quit, whydonttheyjustquit
Warning! The holidays are even more stressful for families struggling with an addicted loved one. Why? Because most of us realize that family gatherings are both special and important. These are times when most of us will go out of our way to say “I love you”.
The warning I’m speaking about refers to a select few organizations who try to take advantage of hurting people. You may have noticed several recent TV and radio ads touting various “addiction cures.”
There is a solution and a way to manage addiction–but there is NO CURE. Beware of anyone who tells you otherwise.
It saddens me to know that there are hurting families who are even more emotionally and financially drained–by false claims.
Please know that alcoholism and drug addiction are manageable problems. There is hope. And many, many people begin the journey called recovery every day.
NEED HELP NOW?
Affordable Phone Counseling for Families Dealing with Substance Abuse
Sign up for our Free Changing Lives Bi-Monthly E-Newsletter!
Warning! Warning! Warning! Warning! Warning!
Tags: addiction books, addiction help, addiction recovery, Addiction Recovery cures, addiction recovery scams, addictions help, addictions video, addictionvideos.com, addicts help, Al-Anon, Al-Anon literature, alanon, alanon ca, alanon group, alanon help, alanon literature, alanon manhattan, alanon steps, alcohol addiction help, alcohol help, alcoholic help, Alcoholism cures, alcoholism help, alcoholism.about.com, allanon, changing lives foundation, Cures for addiction, Cures for alcoholism, drug help, drug use help, drugs help, help an addict, help for addiction, help for addicts, help for alcoholic, help for alcoholics, help for alcoholism, help for drug, help for family of addicts, Holiday Warning!, how to beat addiction, how to help a drug addict, how to help an addict, just quit, Malibu Passages, Passages, Passages Malibu, Passages scam warning, The Addiction Cure, Warning!, Why Don't they Just Quit, whydonttheyjustquit
Beware of anyone who tells you otherwise.
Recent Comments