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This article excerpted from the award-winning book “Why Don’t They Just Quit? What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery.” by Joe Herzanek

The Parable of the Prodigal Son

While he was still a long way off,
his father saw him coming.
Filled with compassion
the father ran to the son,
threw his arms around him and said,
“Welcome home.”
His son had come to his senses.
Let’s have a party!

His brother refused to come to the party
even after his father pleaded with him
to join them.
“I’ve stayed here all these years
and never caused a problem.
No one ever had a party for me,”
said the brother.
–paraphrased from the Gospel of Luke

Siblings often find themselves caught in the middle of the recovery process. In the story of the prodigal son, a father waits and watches expectantly for the return of his wayward child. The boy left home and not only squandered his inheritance, but also wasted a big chunk of his life. But there is so much more to the story. As we take a closer look at the entire family, we see that “the rest of the story” can apply to families and siblings today who are struggling with the early stages of recovery.

I know from firsthand experience how siblings can suffer. During my addiction, I was blind to how my actions were affecting my brother and two sisters. Actually, the entire family did not understand what was happening. Even now, more than thirty years later, some members of my family remain bitter, and we have never been able to resolve those hard feelings.

There is only so much time in any given day and when there is one high-maintenance family member, often the other children are neglected. Parents have a limited amount of energy for each day, and then they reach a point of exhaustion. In my case, which again is not unique, I received more than my share of attention. I, like many other addicts, was a very needy person. My life was one crisis after another. There were many occasions when I needed money. I drained my parents of their finances as well as their time and energy. Who suffered? At the time, it was far from obvious, but as I look back it is clear that my brother and sisters—basically good, low-maintenance kids were the innocent victims.

Mom and Dad spent a lot of their parenting energy either helping me with a problem or worried about what I might do next; they were even afraid to answer the phone. They couldn’t be in two places at once, physically or mentally. As a result, my siblings did not receive nearly the amount of attention they deserved. My parents missed their school programs and sports games because of my problems, and holidays were often ruined. Much of the focus was on Joe, and I was messing up my life while my brother and sisters were left striving to do the right thing and gain my parents’ approval and attention.

To make matters worse, my parents’ attention continued to be focused on me for a long time into my recovery. My siblings had to hear over and over, Isn’t it great that Joe’s quit using drugs? How wonderful that Joe is clean and sober. Joe has been drug-free for a year now “let’s celebrate!” These sort of comments continued, even after everything should have been back to normal. Talk about rubbing psychological salt in a wound; my brother and sisters must have been ready to puke. At that time, none of us had a clue how this would ultimately affect our future relationships.

Insidious: working or spreading harmfully in a subtle or stealthy manner. awaiting a chance to entrap; treacherous. harmful but enticing. Developing so gradually as to be well established before becoming apparent. (Webster’s Dictionary)

It was only after years of recovery and study on this topic that this realization came to me. Because of this disease’s slow progression, few families are aware of the effect addiction has on the family as a whole. Few addicts think of making amends toward those who did not appear to be directly affected.

When I entered treatment many years ago, there was not much emphasis placed on the importance of family in the recovery process. Today, this is a key component in most treatment programs. Parents and siblings are strongly encouraged to be part of the process. Some centers will even offer what is called Family Week. This is a time for those who have been negatively affected to become involved in the recovery process. Many times family members will refuse to get involved: “He/she had the problem, not me. And now you are asking me to get counseling? You must be crazy.” Nonetheless, I strongly suggest that family members attend some meetings–if for no other reason than to vent frustration. It will be worth it.

Addiction is treacherous for the whole family. Over time, relationships can become a tangled web. Feelings get hurt and bitterness creeps in, almost unnoticed. Strife begins to build, and after a while no one remembers why. But life is too short to waste years like this. Miracles can happen when a professional helps untangle the mess.

Time has yet to heal some of the wounds in my family. The impact of my addiction and recovery has left deep scars, and damaged relationships among my immediate family that we are still attempting to understand and mend. Despite our attempts to keep things simple, life can sometimes become very complicated. Over the years, my siblings have married. Bitterness and unresolved strife have colored relationships not only among my siblings, but among our spouses and children as well. Recovery and the process of making amends to those who were hurt takes a while. Sometimes these differences may never be resolved.

Quitting, as wonderful as that may be, is not the same as recovering. Recovery means taking responsibility for the broken relationships that occurred when the addict was using. Repairing broken relationships is critical to the process of recovery. With patience and time, progress can be made.

This article excerpted from the book Why Don’t They Just Quit?

* Have you “tried everything?” To learn about individual counseling with Joe Herzanek (in person or by phone) click here.

RELATED ARTICLES:
Alcohol Addiction, Getting Rid of Resentments; Easier Said Than Done
Children of Addicts: The Innocent Victims

RETURN:
Return from Siblings: The Forgotten Ones, to Blog Home

TO PURCHASE: “Why Don’t They Just Quit? What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery”

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November 20, 2011 by jherzanek | 6 comments


This article “10 Tips for Surviving Holidays
with the Dysfunctional Family”
It is so full of great information that I decided to repost it again.

~By Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.

For some families, holidays are just another excuse to get together to eat good food and to have a good time. They’re not looking for articles like this one because they’ve somehow figured out the formula for successful family togetherness with minimum stress. If you have a challenging family, it’s only human to be a bit incredulous and then more than a bit jealous to see other folks living out the holiday fantasy when you’re just trying to live through it.

Just because it’s always been that way doesn’t mean you’re doomed to a lifetime of holiday gatherings where you just grin and go to your happy place until, thank goodness, it’s over! You can make a difference. You may even be able to start to enjoy your personal dysfunctional crowd. With a little planning and some social engineering, you can take control of the situation and make this holiday feel better.

First, make an honest appraisal of the family. It’s not new information that your mother doesn’t like your sister’s husband or your grandmother is going to want attention for her latest ache and pain. It’s not news to anyone that so-and-so has to be the center of attention or so-and-so somehow gets her feelings hurt every year. Instead of denying these realities, plan for them. (You get extra credit if you can find a way to have a sense of humor about them too.) Then consider using the following tips to begin to avoid at least some of the usual family drama.

1. Line up some co-conspirators. Chances are you’re not the only one who is irked by your family’s dysfunctional routines. Figure out who you can call on to help make things different. Then do some pre-event strategizing. Agree to tag-team each other with the folks you all find particularly difficult. Set up a signal you’ll use to call in a replacement. Brainstorm ways to steer a certain individual’s most tiresome and troublesome antics in a different direction.

2. Ask your co-conspirators to brainstorm ways to give challenging relatives an assignment: Is someone always critical of the menu? Ask her if she would please bring that complicated dish that is her trademark so she’ll have a place to shine. Is there a teenager who mopes about, bringing everyone down? Maybe offer to pay him to entertain the younger set for a couple hours after dinner so the adults can talk.

3. Invite “buffers.” Most people’s manners improve when outsiders enter the scene. If you can count on your family to put their best feet forward for company, invite some. (If not, don’t.) There are always people who would love a place to go on holidays. Think about elderly people in your church or community whose grown children live far away, or divorced friends whose kids are with the other parent this year, or foreign exchange students from your local high school or college.

4. Nowhere is it written that there shall be alcohol whenever a family gets together. If there are problem drinkers in the family, let everyone know ahead of time that you are holding an alcohol-free party. Serve sparkling cider and an interesting non-alcoholic punch. People in your family who can’t stand being at a gathering without an alcoholic haze will probably leave early or decline the invitation. Everyone else will be spared another holiday ruined by someone’s inability to handle their drinking.

5. Take charge of seating. Have some of the younger kids make place cards and assign seats. Folks are less likely to switch places when admiring kids’ handiwork. Put people who rub each other the wrong way at opposite ends of the table. Seat the most troublesome person right next to you or one of your co-conspirators so that you can head off unfortunate conversation topics as soon as they start.

6. Guide the conversation. If your family doesn’t seem to know how to talk without getting into arguments or if you’re not the most socially adept person yourself, give yourself some help by introducing The Conversation Game (see below). Announce at the beginning of the meal that you want to use the gathering as a time to get to know each other better. Ask everyone to indulge you by playing the game for at least part of the meal. Hopefully, people will like this change in family dynamics enough to want to keep it going.

7. Give kids a way to be included. Then set them free. Kids are simply not going to enjoy being trapped at a table with adults (especially dysfunctional adults) for extended periods of time. They get restless. They get whiny. They slump in their chairs. Yes, they should be expected to behave with at least a minimum of decorum during the meal but head off complaints and tantrums by planning something for them to do while the adults linger at the table. Have the materials for a simple craft project set up and ready to go. Remember that teenager in #4? Perhaps this is when she plays a game outside with the younger kids while older ones watch a movie.

8. No willing teens? Set up a childcare schedule ahead of time so the adults spell each other. Auntie oversees a kid project while the rest of the adults finish their meal. Uncle takes the kids out to run around between dinner and desert. Plan ahead to share the load and nobody feels martyred and everybody has a better time.

9. Provide escape routes. Togetherness is not for everyone. Make sure there are ways for the shyer or more intimidated to get away from the crowd. If most people will be watching football, set up a movie in another room for those who want out. Ask for help in the kitchen to give the overwhelmed person a graceful way to withdraw from the bore who is boring her. Set up a jigsaw puzzle on a card table in a corner so that people who don’t want to be part of the conversation have a way to occupy themselves and still be part of the party. Arrange with one of your co-conspirators to suggest a before- or after-dinner walk for people who need a breather.

10. After everyone leaves, reward yourself. Sink into your favorite chair and give yourself credit (and an extra piece of pie?) for trying to make a difference. It takes a lot of time and a lot of effort to make significant change in the habits and attitudes of a dysfunctional family. Any small step in the right direction is something to be thankful for. Good for you!

The Conversation Game

This is a game the whole family can play. Make up a stack of cards with discussion starters on them. Brainstorm “starters” that will make people reminisce or laugh. Make sure to include cards that appeal to all ages. Some ideas are listed below.

To play the game, ask the person to your right to pick a card and read it. Each person at the table gets to answer. It’s fine for someone to “pass” if they don’t have something to say. After everyone has had a turn to respond, the deck gets passed to the next person to choose a card. And so on.

Sample starters:

• What song brings up the happiest memories for you?
• If you were a car, what kind would you be?
• If you were given a thousand dollars with the rule that you couldn’t spend it on yourself, what would you do with it?
• What was the best day of your life so far?
• If you could change places with a celebrity, who would it be and why?
• If you could go to a fancy restaurant and price were no object, where would you go and what would you order?
• What is the best way to cheer you up when you’re down?
• What is the one thing you’ve done in your life that you are proudest of?
• What was your favorite childhood game or toy? (For kids, what is it now?)
• If you formed a band, what would you name it? What kind of music would you play?
• If you had the choice of a day: Would you rather choose a day 10 years ago or a day 10 years from now?
• If you could have 1 superpower, what would it be?
• If you could live somewhere else for a year, where would you go?
• If you knew you were going to spend a year in a science station in Antarctica, what 3 things would you most want to take with you to do when you weren’t working?
• What do you think is the secret to staying young at heart?
• When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up? Do you remember why? (For kids: What do you think you’d like to be and why?)
• What bargain would you love to find on eBay or at a garage sale?
• What do you really, really hope someone will invent soon?
• If someone gave you a gift certificate for a tattoo, what would you get and where would you put it?
• Which would you rather be: A famous athlete, a great singer, or an important politician?

NEED HELP NOW?
Drug Addiction Phone Counseling for Families Dealing with Substance Abuse

RELATED ARTICLES:
Siblings: The Forgotten Ones, by Joe Herzanek
Dysfunctional Families, Validating Their Children

RETURN:
Return from “10 Tips for Surviving Holidays with the Dysfunctional Family” to Blog HOME

PURCHASE:
To purchase “Why Don’t They Just Quit? What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery”

 

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Dysfunctional Family Dysfunctional Family

November 20, 2011 by jherzanek | 2 comments

Difference between Sponsor and Therapist

November 17, 2011 in AA Related, Al-Anon Related. . . by jherzanek | No comments

Just discovered this as I was poking around. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

1. A sponsor isn’t all that interested in why you used.

2. A therapist thinks your problem is lack of self-esteem and negative self-image; a sponsor thinks your problem is you.

3. A therapist wants to nurture your inner child; your sponsor thinks it should be spanked.

4. A sponsor thinks your inventory should be about you, not your parents.

5. A sponsor thinks you should not confront your parents, but rather make amends to them.

6. The only time your sponsor uses the word “closure” is before the word “mouth.”

7. A sponsor thinks boundaries are things you need to take down — not build up.

8. A therapist wants you to love yourself first; a sponsor wants you to love others first.

9. A therapist prescribes care-taking medication while a sponsor prescribes prayer-making and meditation.

10. A sponsor thinks anger management skills are numbered one through twelve.

11. Because you’ve been clean ninety days, a therapist recommends you make a list of all your goals and objectives for the next five years — starting with finishing up that degree. A sponsor thinks you should continue cleaning coffee pots and occasionally mopping.

12. Lastly, a sponsor will not lose his/her license if he/she talks about God.

~ this post from Addicted2Clean Blog

* Have you “tried everything?” To learn about individual counseling with Joe Herzanek (in person or by phone) click here.

 

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Resentments, the Ultimate PoisonResentments, the Ultimate Poison . . . to self.

~ by Nikki Holman

In recovery there is a lot of talk about resentments. WE ALL HAVE THEM, WE ALL CARRY THEM & HOLD ON TO THEM.  I can remember being in treatment & being told that it was paramount to our recovery to let these resentments go. Easier said than done at the time (you see for me I believed that holding on to these resentments kept me safe). They kept me safe both physically and emotionally. How totally totally wrong. Not only did it keep me twisted up inside, it prevented me from being FREE.

Moving on and letting go of resentments was something I tried to do for a long time. I tried without success; the failure was not because I was doing all the right things, it was because I was failing to look HONESTLY AT MY PART.

Allowing myself to carry this resentment toward another person without accepting my part of the problem—gave me a feeling of entitlement to be angry. I have really been trying to live recovery—and for me that means looking honestly at situations with a different perspective.

The largest resentment I carried for years was in regard to my ex-husband. Did he harm me and mine? An emphatic yes!! But recently I have begun to realize that not only did I have a part in that harm but I also harmed him!! We harmed each other and boy how nice it was of me all these years to hold myself less accountable than I held him, NOT! We were both human, we allowed ourselves to become embroiled in a bitter harmful dysfunctional pattern. Who am I to say the wrongs to him were less painful than his wrongs to me. This has been so FREEING!

I recently dealt with him again on the phone; no he is not someone I care to hang out with, surround myself with—but I can be caring and kind and healthy in my interactions with the father of my children. And ultimately with the loss of this resentment I can change my patterns for the future.

I am so grateful to have come to this point. I was able to make amends with him regardless of whether he did the same to me. You see, I can ultimately only control me, my actions and reactions. If we are truly trying to find full recovery, we don’t get to withhold our amends due another—in a STAND-OFF till they “right their wrongs” with us (doesn’t work like that and we only keep ourselves miserable).

I finally understand how important this is. I am not a VICTIM; I am a HUMAN—one who makes mistakes. I’m no better, no worse than another.

THIS brings me peace.

 

MORE FROM NIKKI HOLMAN:
A recovering Addict’s taste of tough love! (for the loved ones of the addict)

RELATED:
The AA Promises

NEED HELP NOW? (do you need help with tough love?)
Drug Addiction Phone Counseling and Intervention
for Families Dealing with Drug or Alcohol Abuse

PURCHASE:
To purchase the award-winning book “Why Don’t They Just Quit?
What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery”

RETURN:
Return from: “Resentments, the Ultimate Poison” to BLOG HOME

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Resentments Ultimate Poison letting go Resentments  Ultimate Poison letting go

 

November 2, 2011 by jherzanek | No comments

The Haven, Moms and Meth: Breaking the Cycle of Addiction

October 19, 2011 in Addiction Treatment Centers, Al-Anon Related. . ., Interviews, Real People, Real Stories, Recovery DVDs, Recovery from Meth Addiction, Special Services, Teen Recovery, Video Interviews by jherzanek | No comments

“The Haven, Moms and Meth:
Breaking the Cycle of Addiction”

The Haven, Moms and Meth: Breaking the Cycle of Addiction

Joe Herzanek interviews Julie Krow, with Melanie and Evangelina on Recovery Television



The Haven
Julie Miller/Former Director
With Melanie and Evangelina
Host: Joe Herzanek

In “The Haven, Moms and Meth: Breaking the Cycle of Addiction”,
Joe interviews Julie Krow, former Director of The Haven.

The Haven treats pregnant women and women with babies.

This show dispels the myth
that treatment for meth addiction is not effective.

A young mother and her daughter are interviewed
and give a powerful testimony
—that change and recovery are available
to anyone who truly wants it.

(Playing time: 28:30 Minutes)

Changing Lives Foundation Logoto order your copy of this DVD, please donate (below) to our
Phone Counseling Scholarship Fund:

For as little as $10 you can make a difference
for someone without the means to pay.

(Choose from 10 different DVD topics)

DVD Choice:
Gift Amount:


Thanks!

READ MORE ABOUT EACH OF THE 10 DVD CHOICES:

(click each title for more detailed info on each DVD)

1) God and the Alcoholic Experience, with author James B. Nelson

2) The Addicted Brain, with Michael Connelly/Odyssey Training

3) Meth, The Devil’s Drug, with Tonya Wheeler and Dr. Nicolas Taylor

4) What is Addiction? with Michael Connelly/Odyssey Training

5) Women in Recovery, with Rebecca J. Flood and Helena Routhe

6) The Journey of Recovery, with Mike Richards/addiction2recovery

7) Teens Under the Influence, with Don Williams/Clearbrook Lodge

8) The Haven, Moms and Meth: Breaking the Cycle,
with Julie Krow/The Haven

9) Substance Use and The Workplace,
with Jennifer Place and Sean Stevens/Peer Assistance

10) Pornography, The Hidden Epidemic,
with Mike Richards/addiction2recovery

CONTACT US


________________________________________________________________
Moms and Meth Breaking the Cycle meth addiction meth babies Moms and Meth

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Alcoholic Gummy Bears. What Next?

October 19, 2011 in Al-Anon Related. . ., In the News, Teen Trends by jherzanek | No comments

Alcoholic Gummy Bears

Newest Teen Alcohol Trend: Alcoholic Gummy Bears (and alcoholic gummy worms)

Alcoholic Gummy Bears. What Next?

It’s good for everyone to be “up on the latest” concerning dangers to our kids. The latest trend that our creative youth has invented is Alcoholic Gummy Bears (soaking Gummy Bears in Alcohol). I did a test and searched for “Alcoholic Gummy Bears” online and got 78,500 results, added the word recipe (“Recipe Alcoholic Gummy Bears”) and got 217,000 links to teach kids how to make these Alcoholic Gummy Bears. Nice.

Here’s what The Huffington Post has to say about Alcoholic Gummy Bears (and Alcoholic Gummy Worms):


Underage Alcohol Usage: Soaking Gummy Bears In Alcohol Is Newest Trend For Teens

October 19, 2011  One of the scariest things about raising teens is the possibility that they might be influenced to drink. You can warn them of the dangers and consequences until you’re blue in the face, but sometimes, peer pressure gets the best of them. The American Academy of Pediatrics found that more than four million adolescents drink alcohol in any month.

And what’s more frightening, is how clever they’ve become about hiding the act from parents. Once upon a time, teens stole alcohol from their parents, so keeping a close watch on your own liquor cabinet was a fine way to curb the problem. But today, their creativity puts the old trick of refilling bottles with Sprite to shame. And the latest trend in undercover drinking is especially savvy – especially around Halloween time.

Teens are using gummy candy (bears and worms to be exact) to get drunk. They soak the candy in alcohol, Keloland.com

Alcoholic Gummy Worms

Alcoholic Gummy Worms

reports.

Darcy Jensen from Prairie View Prevention Services in South Dakota works with school districts to prevent teen drinking as part of the “Parents Matter” campaign. She sent out a warning to schools last week to warn them about the trend. It’s important for parents to be aware so that they can spot if their teen has tried it, she says.

“Maybe someone has offered the candy and they didn’t even know. So telling the kids ahead of time this could be something to be aware of is important,” Jensen said.

And though it’s hard to see the positive side of teens becoming sneakier when it comes to something as dangerous as underage drinking, a trend like this can be used to open communication on the topic.

“It’s a good conversation starter to talk about the whole issue of alcohol and underage drinking and the hazards,” Jensen said.

 

RELATED:
Typical YouTube “how to make” video

Drug czar warns against taking ‘bath salts’ drugs

Teens Under the Influence

Specialty “Bath Salts” Linked to Hospitalizations, Suicides

Warnings and Threats

NEED HELP NOW?
Drug Addiction Phone Counseling for Families Dealing with Substance Abuse

 

RETURN:
From “Alcoholic Gummy Bears. What Next? Alcoholic Gummy Worms!” to Changing Lives Foundation Blog HOME


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Alcoholic Gummy Bears Alcoholic Gummy Worms Alcoholic Gummy Bears Alcoholic Gummy Worms

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What is Addiction?

October 18, 2011 in Al-Anon Related. . ., Interviews, Recovery DVDs, Video Interviews by jherzanek | 4 comments

What is Addiction

Joe Herzanek interviews Michael Connelly on "Eye On Addiction"

“What is Addiction?”

“What is Addiction?”
Michael Connelly/Odyssey Training Center
Host: Joe Herzanek

This show explores all the basics of Addiction
and answers the question “Why Don’t They Just Quit?”

Michael Connelly speaks about the human brain, “triggers”, and why addicts continue
in spite of negative consequences.

Michael’s 25 years of experience in the recovery field
helps to answer these difficult questions.

People can and do recover every day.

(Playing time: 29:58 Minutes)

Changing Lives Foundation Logoto order your copy of this DVD, please donate (below) to our
Phone Counseling Scholarship Fund:

For as little as $10 you can make a difference
for someone without the means to pay.

(Choose from 10 different DVD topics)

DVD Choice:
Gift Amount:


Thanks!

READ MORE ABOUT EACH OF THE 10 DVD CHOICES:

(click each title for more detailed info on each DVD)

1) God and the Alcoholic Experience, with author James B. Nelson

2) The Addicted Brain, with Michael Connelly/Odyssey Training

3) Meth, The Devil’s Drug, with Tonya Wheeler and Dr. Nicolas Taylor

4) What is Addiction? with Michael Connelly/Odyssey Training

5) Women in Recovery, with Rebecca J. Flood and Helena Routhe

6) The Journey of Recovery, with Mike Richards/addiction2recovery

7) Teens Under the Influence, with Don Williams/Clearbrook Lodge

8) The Haven, Moms and Meth: Breaking the Cycle, with Julie Krow/The Haven

9) Substance Use and The Workplace, with Jennifer Place and Sean Stevens/Peer Assistance

10) Pornography, The Hidden Epidemic, with Mike Richards/addiction2recovery

CONTACT US


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What is Addiction triggers Michael Connelly Chemical Dependency What is Addiction
triggers Michael Connelly Chemical Dependency

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A recovering Addict’s taste of tough love! (for the loved ones of the addict)

October 18, 2011 in Al-Anon Related. . ., Nikki Holman, Real People, Real Stories by jherzanek | 10 comments

 

 From time to time I read a story that paints a vivid picture in my mind. This one, by Nikki Holman is one such story that gives the reader a clear picture of what tough love looks like. Nikki shows us what it is like for someone who has lived both sides of the coin—who has essentially been the “wrecking ball” in so many lives, to becoming the strong one. . . who manages to administer tough love and compassion to people she cares about.

In doing so, Nikki learns firsthand, what like is like on both sides of the fence. Nikki works at a Colorado Resort, where this story takes place. Please take the time to read all the way to the end. . . and also to forward to someone who needs a bit of encouragement and strength to continue with Tough Love. Thanks Nikki for allowing us to reprint this.

A recovering Addict’s taste of tough love!
(for the loved ones of the addict)

~ by Nikki Holman

Yesterday was an emotional onslaught of the reminders of the pain & wreckage that as addicts in active addiction we bring to our families, our friends, to our neighbors, society as a whole. My day started as usual, veryyyy early to work. After handling the things I needed to handle I popped back into the break room for a quick second to find one of my sponsees that is also employed by the hotel in the break room dissolving into tears at the very sight of me.

A little background may help. She has been in active relapse for a few weeks now. We are in contact nearly every day as I love her, want to help her but I am not going to enable her. To this point she is again homeless, actively drinking & drugging & having violent outbursts of mutual domestic violence with not just her partner but with friends, etc. We talk for a few moments every day. I will always hug her, tell her first that I love her, that I believe in her but that she has to stand up & take her own life back; that I will walk beside her but can’t carry her even if that was an option. This happens daily—with increasing call-ins to work—in crisis, begging to workers to let her pitch a tent in their yards, etc etc etc etc etc. the rest of the details you can probably imagine; today was only slightly different as she dissolved once again.

I had to hug her and then do the hardest thing ever; I had to tell her point blank that “No, I will Not give you one dime of cash, No I will Not pay for a room at the hotel for you, No I will Not ask anyone to let you stay there, that you need to go to the homeless/ dv women’s shelter” (that she cannot go to because she created wreckage there). I had to tell her that she was about to lose her job. It broke my heart to have to stand up, hug her tight, smooth her hair, hold her face in my hands and say “I Love you enough to not help you die! The minute you stand up & choose to fight, to do the right thing I will be right there to help you”. She just sobbed and sobbed and I cried too as I let her go and HAD TO GO BACK TO WORK.

If that was not enough, a half hour later I caught sight of a familiar faced child. A little boy came into the restaurant during brunch drenched in sweat, asking for a drink and practically drooling at the sight of food. Of course we gave him a drink, turned our backs while he ate and later as a co-worker and I were driving home on her way to drop me off we saw this little boy again (mind you this is four hrs. later and at least eight miles away or more. She then told me that the little boy told one of them that his parents had locked him out of the house early a.m. and told him he could not come back till after four.

So this morning I caught a glimpse of him once more. As my co-worker headed for the door he got scared off and bolted. I told her the story and went out to look for him with no luck. Ten minutes later he popped back in and we were ready this time. We asked him if he was thirsty, took the food and juice we prepped for him and I walked out the door with him. I asked him if he was locked out again, he blurted out “NO!!!!!!” I said gently “yes you are, aren’t you?” He said “Yes, Yes and I’m really hungry.” He started walking faster—trying to escape. I stepped up the pace and gently tasked him, “will you come have breakfast if you need to tomorrow?” His eyes got huge, “Yes! …Yes and then he bolted out the door”.

Chasing him wouldn’t help; he needs to trust us. We talked it over and we will buy his breakfast every chance we get—even if that means we only make a couple dollars. We would do this, not just to feed him but to build trust with him so that he will let us help him.  I know this note is really long but these examples slammed home the terrible pain and suffering addiction causes to those that love us.

Wrecking Ball of Addiction

. . . reminders of the pain & wreckage that as addicts in active addiction we bring to our families, our friends, to our neighbors, society as a whole.

I have not a shred of doubt that this little boy lives in a home filled with active addiction and also that my sponsee’s life is like a wrecking ball to everything she comes into contact with—especially to herself. I know that administering Tough Love to her today and just plain love to that little boy today damn near broke my heart. I know that what I experienced today is possibly, mayyyyyyybe one tenth of the heartbreak that my FAMILY and MY FRIENDS FELT WITH EVERY CRISIS, EVERY SLAM OF THE WRECKING BALL TO THEIR LIVES.

YA SEE, I CARE FOR THESE TWO BUT THEY ARE NOT MY DAUGHTER (like my parents) OR NOT MY SONS (like my babies). My addiction robbed my parents of a daughter, my siblings of a sister, my sons of a mother, my neighbors of a decent neighbor and so on. I also know that the very best “amends” I can ever make is: to BE DIFFERENT.

WORDS OF REGRET, REMORSE, SORROW and OWNING MY WRECKAGE IS GREAT, BUT WITHOUT BEING BACKED UP BY ACTION THEY ARE MEANINGLESS.  I also know that I hated getting “TOUGH LOVED” HATED HATED IT, PISSED ME OFF! But in retrospect I know that It helped to save me.

Oh I was stubborn! Believe me I flipped em the bird and thought, “Well now I don’t have anything left to lose so I’ll just stay high! And I did for a while. But this allowed me to hit my personal bottom sooner than I would’ve had they continued to enable me, to turn a blind eye, let me continue to actively harm them.

I loved my family. No I never set out to harm them but it’s what we do when we use—regardless of intent. Tough Love Sucks!!! It sucks for the families that carry guilt for thinking they are leaving their loved one alone, that they are abandoning them. I used the guilt card lots of times. But TOUGH LOVE MADE HELPED ME TO CHOOSE TO SAVE MY OWN LIFE.

IF YOU ARE ONE OF THE LOVED ONES—KNOW THAT IT IS THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO. IT MAY NOT WORK IN THE TIME THAT YOU IMMEDIATELY HOPE IT DOES. MOST OFTEN IT TAKES A LITTLE BIT.

You don’t ever have to give up hope. I am living proof that hope should never be lost. I am so grateful to my family for tough loving me. I am Now A DAUGHTER, A SISTER, A MOTHER , A FRIEND!

RELATED:
Raising the Bottom? ~by Joe Herzanek
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Melanie Griffith speaks about her addiction to pain pills

September 27, 2011 in Al-Anon Related. . ., In The News: by jherzanek | 1 comment

melanie-griffith-and-antonio-banderas

Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas. — Photo by AP


melanie Griffith talks about her husband’s support (or lack of it) regarding her recovery from addiction to pain pills.

“I went away to rehab for three months; it took 10 days just to detox. I wish he would go to a meeting with me or to Al-Anon, but it’s very foreign to him.”

This article below illustrates the fact that anyone can feel “all alone” (even being married to a sex symbol), addiction strikes people from virtually all walks of life, and that we all need support and understanding.

by: Meg Grant | from: AARP The Magazine | November 2011 issue

Q: What first attracted you to Antonio?

A: Everything, really. His way. He’s very funny. The first thing he asked me was my age. I said, “That’s the rudest thing anyone has asked me first.” But there was something about him. Still is. I just love him.

Q: Is it hard to be married to a sex symbol?

A: No — not any harder than being married to any man.

Q: How do you keep your marriage going?

A: We’re willing to change with each other, let old things die and new things be born. But it’s a constant endeavor.

Q: How is Antonio as a dad?

A: If the kids need him, he’s there. But he has a different parenting style. He can talk to them deeply about things they won’t talk to me about, because I’m the one saying, “You’re supposed to be doing this right now. It’s your responsibility.” I’m the disciplinarian; he’s the understanding, philosophical one. We balance each other.

Q: Antonio and I talked about the recent news of men being unfaithful. What do you think of these guys?

A: I would feel so hurt. I don’t know if humans were meant to be with only one person. I don’t think so. But I don’t believe Antonio could tolerate my being with someone else, just as I couldn’t tolerate his being with someone else.

Q: He said that you all participated in your rehab a few years ago, and it welded you.

A: I’m sorry to say, that’s in his mind. I started on pain pills when I hurt my knee skiing and just kept taking them. The kids knew; Dakota and Stella called me on it. Antonio was in London at the time. I went away to rehab for three months; it took 10 days just to detox. We had two family weeks there, but we didn’t follow through. Antonio was supportive to the extent that he can be, but if you’re not an alcoholic or drug addict, and you find out that your wife is a bad one, it’s hard to deal with. As long as I’m okay, he’s okay. I wish he would go to a meeting with me or to Al-Anon, but it’s very foreign to him. Addiction runs in my family but not in his.

Q: So it’s been your journey alone.

A: Yes. And I don’t mean that against him. I would like him to do more, but it’s a difficult thing to have happen in any family, and in that way he has been totally by my side. He really is the greatest guy.

 

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Relapse. It Happens.

. . . but it doesn’t have to be the end of the road.

This article excerpted from the award-winning book “Why Don’t They Just Quit? What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery.” by Joe Herzanek

Is Relapse Part of Recovery?
Addiction has been called a chronic relapsing disease. Relapse is when the person in recovery chooses to try some controlled using again after attempting to remain abstinent. We know that addicts/alcoholics can’t control substance use. If they could, they wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place. Relapse is one more failed attempt at trying to control how much they are able to use.

Using a substance occasionally and in moderation isn’t a problem for social drinkers. But once someone crosses over to habitual and uncontrolled use, there is no going back. Attempts to regain control—to use alcohol or drugs socially and occasionally—are common, and these attempts lead to relapses. Statistics show that approximately 90 per- cent of those who complete treatment will have a relapse—sometimes referred to as a slip.


Five months after leaving treatment in April, I tried just one more time to see if I could control my using. I went out with an old friend and drank.

I don’t remember if I called Gary or he called me. Gary and I used to take drugs together. He was a good friend. We had known each other since high school. He knew I had quit, but he didn’t know much about recovery. We hadn’t seen each other for months, since before I had gone to the treatment center. We went out to a bar. I don’t think I had any intention of drinking. After an hour or two of playing pool and being in the midst of a crowd of people who were drinking, I ordered a beer. To this day, I don’t know what I was thinking. After five or six beers, I knew I had screwed up.

I wasn’t nearly as wasted as I wanted to be. What now? Be- cause of everything I had heard in recovery groups, I now felt a tremendous sense of guilt. Why did I let this happen? Looking back on it, I can see that it was a chain of events. Talking with Gary, meet- ing him at a bar, staying and playing pool—all the sights, sounds and smells were too much for me in the beginning of my sobriety. A bad idea. Those few drinks did not give me the effect I craved. I realized that it was going to take much more than a few drinks. I didn’t want that old life back and it became obvious to me that I had to make an all or nothing choice.

It was just one night, but that one night motivated me to get right back to working on my recovery. This would fall into the category of a slip—one stupid decision that was brief and over quickly. I guess I just had to test the water one more time. What this experience did was confirm to me that my addiction was real. I felt like an idiot. I had just blown one hundred fifty days of sobriety, and I didn’t even enjoy it.

Having a few drinks had always been the start of trouble for me. I knew I had to come to my senses right away, or I would soon be look- ing for drugs as well. This small slip would end up as a complete return to full-blown using, or I could end it that night. By this time in my recovery, I had learned enough to know what was happening and what the consequences could be. I must have had a moment of clarity. No- body needed to tell me that I’d screwed up. Going back to the old life was the last thing I wanted.

I wasn’t sure what to do, so I decided to go back to my treatment center for a couple of days to sort this out.

I have heard similar stories from others who have relapsed. Many of them remember that exact, pivotal moment when they were faced with the decision of what to do. Here are the two different trains of thought that can occur to an addict after a relapse. I’ve blown it anyway, so I may as well keep using for a while. Or, This was a dumb idea. I’d better get right back to recovery before it gets much worse. Thankfully, the latter was my thinking.

Ways to Avoid Relapse
Developing relationships with others who are facing the same challenges are very important. A couple of close friends, a sponsor, a mentor—any one of these—can help hold a person accountable. I knew I had let some people down. But these same people were able to encourage me to keep moving forward.

One of the results of an addict spending time with people in recovery is that it will ruin their once seemingly gratifying relationship with alcohol and drug use. Those in recovery learn about the disease, and from that point on they know too much about its power to ever enjoy it the way they used to. They know that there’s no going back. If some- one slips, they often feel the way I did—like an idiot for even trying to enjoy it again. But this is all okay, as we all learn from mistakes like this. Family and friends shouldn’t get too discouraged when someone slips, because it’s common in early recovery. Look at it as one more opportunity for your loved one to become convinced that the addiction is indeed real.

My friend and addiction counselor Larry Weckbaugh in Eagle, CO compares recovery to a series of stairs—and landings in-between the flights. The addict might be up three flights and two landings when they relapse. They don’t fall into the basement; they only go down one floor.

Is there a difference between a slip and a relapse?
Sort of. The difference lies in how a person handles it. . .

This article is excerpted (pg. 187) from the 2010 revised and updated book
“Why Don’t They Just Quit? What families and friends need to know about addiction and recovery.”

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September 25, 2011 by jherzanek | 5 comments

Angel: Pulled from the Wreckage . . .

September 4, 2011 in Al-Anon Related. . ., Feedback from You, Spirituality by jherzanek | 8 comments

Angel: Pulled from the Wreckage

“You are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie”

~ Angel (Sarah McLachlan)


Changing Lives friend and loving grandmother “Gramma Carole” sent us this picture as she recently walked the hospital corridor with her beloved grandson as he struggles with the tremendous grip of addiction.
She discovered that this photo seems to show the glow of a guardian angel on his shoulder.
The words of this song now take on a whole new meaning. 

“Angel”

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie

You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

To view music video of Sarah McLachlan performing “Angel”

Please leave a message of encouragement (below) for Gramma Carole and her grandson–who is literally “fighting for his life.” Many thanks.

NEED HELP NOW?
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“Ask The Addict’s Mom.” Overcoming difficulties living with an addict.

August 18, 2011 in Al-Anon Related. . ., Ask "The Addict's Mom" by jherzanek | 1 comment

 I felt as though I was reborn

The Addict's Mom#3

Changing Lives is proud to partner with The Addict’s Mom
to bring our readers even more support, hope and friendship.

Ask The Addict’s Mom/living with an addict

This question was poised to a member of the Addict’s Mom–Elaine Altman-Eller.We hope it brings insight to the many transitions and difficulties that appear in the life of an Addict’s Mom.Here is a glimpse into the life of one courageous mom.

Question:
When living with an addict, help us understand the process of how things unfolded from the beginning when addiction first entered your life as to how things are in the present moment?

I remember thinking when all this began to unfold in my life, how did it get from where I was to where I am now??? I didn’t like my life that way but how was I to change these dark ways of thinking all of the time? They haunted my very existence and every moment was devoted to negative ways of looking at what was occurring before me. I had no tools to navigate a better way and the ones I was using were hopelessness and despair.

I walked and carried myself as a mother who had been defeated. It was obvious to everyone I was in pain, but when they tried to reach out, I rejected any suggestion I was given because I was blaming the addict and the way I was feeling on everyone else. I had no desire to see things from a different perspective and I was slowly drifting away.

There was a pivotal point (in my life–living with an addict) that came as a blessing–although it did not look like a blessing at the time. It was when my whole life took a turn because there was no fooling anyone when you have to announce that your family is broken to pieces and you are the only one left that hasn’t been incarcerated. Still I felt like an outsider in a world where everything seemed to be wonderful for everyone but me.

I had a bad case of the “why me’s”? Well, why not me? What makes me any different than the thousands of other families that suffer this horrific existence? My only hope was to seek help for me–to realize that as much as I had tried to manage the secret, it was out.

I had to look at myself and change the way I viewed how I would go on. Would I continue this facade or would I become an advocate for myself? I had to create a life that gave me back some dignity and hope. There is no way to fight this battle alone. I know; I tried…I failed.

In reaching out and speaking out, I felt as though I was reborn. I do know now that I can only control my feelings, my reactions and my emotions. I can love my family members, but I cannot live without establishing boundaries and communicating my needs–for them to better understand exactly where the line is drawn.

It may not be the fix they are hoping for; that person is long gone. But it does bring about peace and it lights the way for a better future for everyone, including me…


Barbara Theodosiou“The Addict’s Mom,” founded by Barbara Theodosiou is a group focusing on the mothers of addicted children. The relationship between the mother and addicted child is unique; that does not diminish the experiences of other family members. This group however, is dedicated to addressing the mother’s pain but more importantly, the commonalities of our experiences thus illustrating to the grieving mother that she is not alone nor is she unique in this respect. One line, one thought can help change her perspective for the better. (click here to explore the new Addict’s Mom membership site)

MORE from The Addict’s Mom:
-She Just Couldn’t Do It Anymore
-Expectations for our loved one’s recovery vs. reality
-Visit The Addict’s Mom Website

ASK JOE:
-Addiction. What if they just CAN’T quit?
-Is an addict ever cured?

RETURN:
-from The Addict’s Mom.” Overcoming difficulties living with an addict, to Blog Home

 

living with an addict living with an addict living with an addict

Expectations for our loved one’s recovery vs. reality

August 13, 2011 in Al-Anon Related. . ., Ask "The Addict's Mom" by jherzanek | 3 comments

The Addict's Mom

 

#2

Changing Lives is proud to partner with The Addict’s Mom
to bring our readers even more support, hope and friendship.

This question was posted to all members of  The Addict’s Mom Facebook Group. One of the valued members Elaine Altman-Eller took all the answers and compiled them together to create this collective perspective.  Hope it is helpful in better understanding the “Expectations vs. Reality” in the recovery process of a loved one.

Question:
How do our expectations of the recovery experience for our loved ones differ from the reality of their recovery?

Answers:
Our expectations are just that; they are formulated ideas in our minds as to what the addict should do, how they should go about doing it and how we feel they should go about accomplishing it. The reality is that it’s their disease and their recovery.  For instance, they may have an expectation that after a specific amount of time, they should have our trust back, and we may be under the illusion that they have already earned our trust, simply by agreeing to enter into recovery. Truth is regaining trust as well as losing trust takes time. We have to remember to use caution without offending, and the addict must be willing to accept this emotional limitation.

Our expectations may lead us to believe that once in a program, life will resume as it once was. The reality is that we as Mother’s must reprogram our thought process to a healthier and more productive supportive system. Mothers tend to believe they love unconditionally so this seems like an insurmountable task and completely against nature. Our roles as caregivers must take on a new meaning. 

The reality is that most often things will be revealed that we were never aware of and couldn’t possibly imagine. We must be open-minded and willing to accept these revelations in order to move forward. Open and honest communication is the key; sometimes the reality of that can sting. There are many gripping realisms of this challenge.

The addict owns their addiction and cannot, should not, be forced to take on your feelings of disappointment. They have to navigate their own recovery the way it was meant to unfold, with only emotional support from us.  We own what we contributed and they own what they have done.

We should seek treatment so we don’t fall back into the same damaging patterns as before. Expectations can set you up for disappointment, but you cannot expect any person to live up to your ideas of recovery. The reality is, it is an individual journey and an individual effort. The expectation of the addict becoming clean as quickly as they became addicted is one of the harshest realities for a loved one to experience.

Fact is: the disease of addiction is a roller-coaster of emotions on the part of everyone who is actively involved in the addict’s life.  The addict expects the enabler’s behavior to remain the same as it was prior to entering recovery; in fact they have learned to rely on it. It is vitally important that all the family members enter into recovery.
Barbara Theodosiou“The Addict’s Mom,” founded by Barbara Theodosiou is a group focusing on the mothers of addicted children. The relationship between the mother and addicted child is unique; that does not diminish the experiences of other family members. This group however, is dedicated to addressing the mother’s pain but more importantly, the commonalities of our experiences thus illustrating to the grieving mother that she is not alone nor is she unique in this respect. One line, one thought can help change her perspective for the better. (click here to explore the new Addict’s Mom membership site)

 

 

MORE from The Addict’s Mom:
-She Just Couldn’t Do It Anymore

-Visit The Addict’s Mom Website

ASK JOE:
-“I need help because I’m not able to deal with my live-in fiance’s need to get drunk every night”

RETURN:
-from The Addict’s Mom.” Expectations for Our Loved One’s Recovery vs. Reality, to Blog Home

 

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The Addict’s Mom. She just couldn’t do it anymore.

July 27, 2011 in Al-Anon Related. . ., Ask "The Addict's Mom" by jherzanek | 15 comments

The Addict's MomChanging Lives is proud to partner with The Addict’s Mom
to bring our readers even more support, hope and friendship.

This question was asked of a member of Addict’s Mom, Teri Murgia. She is a recovering prescription drug addict and the mother of an addict who now dedicates her life to helping others who are suffering.  It is a powerful lesson she shared about enabling, and how her mother’s decision to walk away changed her life.

Question:
When your Mother found the courage to stop the enabling process by walking out on you when you were facing uncertain death how did that make you feel in your heart?


Answer:
~by Teri Murgia
The day my Mother found the courage to walk out of my hospital room was the day I had made another personal attempt to end my life. She just couldn’t do it anymore. My Mother had already lost two children by this time, her heart was broken into a million pieces and all she could do was fall to her knees and cry out to GOD!

My first thought when she walked out of the room that day confirmed what I was feeling “even my own Mother couldn’t love me”. Then all the feelings of anger, bitterness and sometimes even a bit of hatred flooded my thoughts. What kind of Mother could walk away from their only daughter? How could someone be so cold and unfeeling?  Her last words to me that day were,  “I AM NOT GOING TO SIT BACK AND WATCH YOU KILL YOURSELF ANYMORE; IF YOU WANT TO DIE THAT’S YOUR CHOICE BUT I WON’T BE HERE TO WATCH IT!!” And she left.

It was that day when my long and difficult journey toward recovery began. You see . . .  my Mother made the ultimate choice that day; she chose her life. She knew her life was worth something and she was no longer going to allow my addiction to destroy it!  She was no longer going to be a victim of my destructive behavior.

Today I live my life grateful that she had the courage to walk away–as it was the very thing I needed–to begin my recovery. Thank you MOM, I love you! 
Barbara Theodosiou“The Addict’s Mom,” founded by Barbara Theodosiou is a group focusing on the mothers of addicted children. The relationship between the mother and addicted child is unique; that does not diminish the experiences of other family members. This group however, is dedicated to addressing the mother’s pain but more importantly, the commonalities of our experiences thus illustrating to the grieving mother that she is not alone nor is she unique in this respect. One line, one thought can help change her perspective for the better. (click here to explore the new Addict’s Mom membership site)

 

MORE from The Addict’s Mom:
-Overcoming difficulties living with an addict
-Expectations for our loved one’s recovery vs. reality
-Visit The Addict’s Mom Website

ASK JOE:
-Addiction. What if they just CAN’T quit?
-Is an addict ever cured?

RETURN:
-from The Addict’s Mom. ”She just couldn’t do it anymore”, to Blog Home

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When Your Child’s Addiction Becomes Your Own

July 11, 2011 in Al-Anon Related. . ., Words of Wisdom by jherzanek | No comments

Mother and child

 

Many thanks to our guest blog author
—who wishes to remain anonymous.

From the moment you give birth, an innate force within secures a powerful and concentrated intent at the deepest level to protect your precious child, protect them from harm. As a parent, you accept this role with reverence as it carries the highest priority.

Holding your child carefully, keeping them warm, nourished and safe, you show them the immeasurable importance of their place on earth. They feel loved and of great value, knowing that you care about their happiness, comfort and fulfillment. You are their greatest fan and root them on as they step into the world, deciding for themselves how they wish to engage in the life experience. Seeing them off, deep steadfast desires to protect surge through you still. As their caretaker for many years, this powerful urge does not ever truly end. You simply let go, hoping the years of love, guidance and care remain as the foundation for their own ability to keep themselves safe from harm.

What happens when your child is involved in one of the most harmful behaviors possible and they fall away from the safety you worked so hard to instill, strengthen and ensure? How do you handle watching them sink deeper into a world that seems to swallow them into darkness, an unreachable place where you feel powerless – the world of addiction?

Addiction is dangerous and destructive to everything you have committed to keep safe. How do you protect your child? Your natural instinct is to shield them from harm, however in your attempts to do this, the addiction begins to engulf your life as well. This is when your child’s addiction becomes your own.

Three major reasons for this are:

1) Believing you have the power to change or control the person/addiction.

Feeling powerless, you strive for ways to gain a sense of control – life centers around fixing the problem and dealing with the addiction’s consequences.

Attempts to gain control are:

• Becoming a “perfect” parent, supporter, nurturer
• Being careful about everything you say and do
• Peacekeeping
• Taking care of the child’s needs over your own

2) Treating addiction as a moral, behavioral issue rather than an illness.

Expecting rational thinking from an irrational, altered state of perception – addictions cease to be rational by their very nature. Usual support and guidance are ineffective. When tried, there is a great sense of failure, frustration and hopelessness for all involved.

3) Believing the addiction means something about you.

Self-blaming causes guilt, anger, regret, and a sense of inadequacy as a parent. Identifying with your child’s addiction – either feeling responsible for fixing it or unable to face it. The key is not gaining control or changing the addiction. It is understanding you have no control over the addiction. You do, however, have power; the power to let go.

Letting go is:

• Supporting, not fixing
• Permitting another to face reality
• Allowing consequences
• Not taking responsibility for them
• Admitting the outcome is not in your hands
• Acceptance

In letting go, you truly embrace your parental power, by being the example of that which you wish them to do. The addict will be most positively affected by a healthy parent who takes care of themselves, has good boundaries, follows through, respects themselves and honors their life. You don’t need to control or change the addict’s actions, but you can learn to change your responses.

You best help your addicted child by:

• Reaching out for support of others who have been through it
• Expressing your feelings
• Letting your child solve the problems their addiction creates
• Focusing on one day at a time
• Not determining your choices by theirs
• Not doing for them what they can do for themselves

Remember, your child doesn’t need you to take them away from their journey towards discovering their light, they simply need to see your light shining as a reminder of their own along the way.
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child’s addiction,addicted child,addict’s mom, help addicted child

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12 Steps to Hell

May 4, 2011 in Al-Anon Related. . . by jherzanek | No comments

12 Steps to Hell

1. We decided that we could control alcohol/drugs, that our lives were manageable.

2. Came to believe that since our troubles were of our own making, we would have to solve them without outside help.   READ MORE >>>

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Twelve Signs of A Spiritual Awakening in Al-Anon

April 21, 2011 in Al-Anon Related. . . by jherzanek | No comments

TWELVE SIGNS OF A SPIRITUAL AWAKENING IN AL-ANON

CloudsIt is suggested we use the 12 Steps of AA and Al-Anon in the same way that a parachute instructor suggests that we use a parachute when we jump out of an airplane, we don’t have to take the suggestions, but there are definite consequences if we don’t.

 

 

TWELVE SIGNS OF A SPIRITUAL AWAKENING

1. An increased tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen.

2. Frequent attacks of smiling.

3. Feelings of being connected with others and nature.

4. Frequent overwhelming episodes of appreciation.

5. A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than from fears based on past experience.

6. An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.

7. A loss of ability to worry.

8. A loss of interest in conflict.

9. A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.

10. A loss of interest in judging others.

11. A loss of interest in judging self.

12. Gaining the ability to love without expecting anything in return.

~Author unknown

OTHER POSTS AND ARTICLES RELATED TO AL-ANON:
The Critical Role of Al-Anon in Family Addiction Recovery
Alcoholism Recovery, Getting Rid of Resentments!

Alcoholism Step 9: Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

NEED HELP NOW?
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Mom showing empathy for her addicted sonThis short article explains one of the most important (and one of our favorite) concepts. Dr. James Fay (Parenting Teens With Love and Logic) illustrates the simple approach–of showing empathy while remaining strong.

EMPATHY!

Consequences delivered with empathy create responsibility.
Consequences delivered without empathy create resentment.

So we have a choice: Will we raise responsible kids…or resentful ones?

Will we end up in a nice nursing home or a nasty one?

Understanding why empathy is the most important skill is simple. Empathy preserves the relationship and makes it very hard for our kids to blame us for their poor decisions.

Really using sincere empathy…on a consistent basis…is the hard part!

We’ve spent over two decades studying people who’ve been successful with this. What do they have in common? They use just one empathetic statement…regardless of what consequence they must provide.

That’s right. They keep it simple!

They also pick one that fits their personality and culture. Some folks always precede consequences with, “That is so sad.” Others prefer, “Oh, man…”

Some parents say, “What a bummer.” Others prefer, “Bless your heart.”

Tape this note on your bathroom mirror as a reminder.

Thanks for reading!
Dr. Charles Fay
Originally Published 7/15/09

Dr. Charles Fay©2009 Jim Fay, Charles Fay, Ph.D., and Love and Logic® Institute. All copyright infringement laws apply. Permission granted for photocopy reproduction and forwarding. Please do not alter or modify contents. For more information, call the Love and Logic® Institute, Inc. at (800) 338-4065 or www.loveandlogic.com

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Return from The Importance of Empathy to Drug Addiction Help Now Home

April 20, 2011 by jherzanek | No comments

Ask Joe: “I need help because I’m not able to deal with my live-in fiance’s need to get drunk every night”

January 17, 2011 in Al-Anon Related. . ., Ask Joe by jherzanek | 11 comments

Joe Herzanek, Addiction Counselor, BCBC

Ask Joe:
“I need help because I’m not able to deal with my live-in fiance’s need to get drunk every night”

I just now received this email/question asking for guidance.

Dear Joe,
I came across your site but I don’t have the money to buy a book or anything. I need help because I’m not able to deal with my live-in fiance’s need to get drunk every night. I’m not comfortable with it.

He says I need counseling to just deal with it because lots of people drink every night. He comes up with bizarre stuff to justify his drinking. Like he’s an Aquarius so he has to drink because . . . (Read the entire entry and Joe’s simple answer)

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need to get drunk deal with fiance drunk fiance

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Detachment in the Real World and The Monastery

St. Benedict

St. Benedict

Below is part of a newsletter that I receive weekly from a monk at a Monastery in New Mexico. The name of the monastery is, “Christ in the Desert.” I make an annual retreat there every year.

It’s very secluded—at the end of a thirteen mile dirt road. It was built in the 60′s by George Nakashima, famous Japanese-American woodworker and architect. The Monastery is “off the grid” and the adobe construction blends perfectly with the cactus and the high canyon walls that surround it. Cloistered together there are about twenty-five monks and rooms for another ten or so guests.

Abbot Philip’s message this week addresses the challenge of dealing with difficult people in our lives—people we cannot trust. Below is a portion of that newsletter. I think his words help us (family members) know how to best deal with someone in our lives who has shown (often over weeks, months and even years) that they cannot be trusted. I guess that even among the monks “every day is not a hot fudge sundae.”
~ Joe

THE PRACTICALITY OF CUTTING SOMEONE OUT OF ONE’S LIFE (AT LEAST FOR A TIME).
~ Excerpt from Abbot Philip’s newsletter

“. . . In the long-run, whatever we do—presuming that we allow such a person to remain in our lives—is going to require huge amounts of energy from us, so we must be prepared for that, if we choose to continue to relate to the person. READ MORE . . . (and to see photos of Christ in the Desert Monastery)

To read more on the subject of detachment, read Joe’s very popular article “Detachment. How Can I?“

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Detachment Monastery Detachment Tough Love Detachment Monastery Detachment Tough Love

 

 

 

January 15, 2011 by jherzanek | No comments

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